I have low self-esteem. It's something I've struggled with for a long time, probably because no achievement was ever good enough for my parents or my ex-wife, IOW, the most important support system you're supposed to have, except mine was constantly moving the goal posts on me instead of giving me atta boys.
Anyway, this morning, a woman I had matched with on Tinder sent me a message that was vaguely insulting and instead of confronting it (and her), I just "unmatched." It's my move - avoid confrontation. An hour or so later, when I was more awake, I thought about what could have been an adult, but not mean, response, but by then, much like the "jerk store" episode of Seinfeld, it was too late.
My mood turned this afternoon when I solved a problem at work for a colleague. This particular colleague is a bit of a cold fish, and the fact that I not only solved his problem but that he showed uncharacteristic graciousness, had me feeling better, like almost high, on the fact I had done this thing. That lasted all of an hour when one of the partners I report to kneecapped me on an email with a client and I sat at my desk stewing for a good 20 minutes wanting to reach through the computer and strangle him with his own self-importance. And away I went down the familiar shame spiral of feeling unworthy and useless, so that was fun.
Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy
I hear what you are saying about the roots of your self-esteem. I hope you might realize and meditate on reasons that you should have a more moderate level of self-esteem. Possibly you should find a livelihood where you can have a better self-worth, or find a way to feel better in your current environment.
ReplyDeleteI too, have low self-esteem sometimes. I just want to share one thing that helped me. One thing that was a cornerstone of my low self-esteem was the fact that I gave other people too much control over how I felt about myself. You did something awesome? KNOW it's awesome, and don't let anyone take that away from you - even if they are convinced otherwise. I work for a govt agency and things get catty sometimes - people are always jockeying for a pat on the back or a moment in the spotlight. I used to clamor for that, too, but I KNOW I'm good and the backbone of my department team. It's nice to have the recognition sometimes, but I don't need it for validation. So, I'm much better regarding self-esteem than I used to be. I always have room to grow, but for the most part, I'm good at what I do and no one can tell me otherwise :) Rooting for you, Scarylawyerguy!
ReplyDelete