March 31

Today is the second day in a row I have been able to work from home. It is doing wonders for my stress and anxiety levels.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 30

Morning weighs heavily on me. Laying in bed it feels like a heavy blanket is pressing me into the mattress. The dread of all this is hard to quantify or explain. It is omnipresent but invisible, a threat you cannot see but you know is all around you. A lot of people on TV predict a quick bounce back once we are on the other side of this but I do not see it. The scant minutes I spend in public, I see the same fear on the faces of others. The days I go into the office and the few of us who are there tiptoe around each other like we are highly contagious. I do not see how you undo that quickly.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 29

I apologize in advance to the 5 people who will read this because what I'm about to say is incredibly petty and dumb, but I am feeling particularly resentful today of my neighbors. I have lived next door to them for 15 years and never passed a pleasant word to them. I HATE them going back to how they let their kids run around in my backyard when my ex wife and I first moved in and I went over to (politely) ask that they not do so (we put up a fence the following spring in case they missed the message). 

The dad is a loser piece of shit gym teacher who doesn't work summers and spends that time drinking beer in his backyard. The mom is a sloppy part-time teacher's aide who walks their dog in her PJs with her tits hanging down to her knees and no shoes on. Their kids are dopes. So right now, mom and dad are on a paid vacation of indeterminate length and will ALSO get a nice fat check from the federal government because there is no way they make $199,000 between them (I'm pretty sure they don't make $99,000 between them). 

So, to summarize, these pieces of shit who are sitting on their fat asses every day getting paid by the school district *I* pay property taxes for (even though I have no kids!) and will get ANOTHER check from the federal government while I, a hard working lawyer who has not had a day off since March 1st, is working seven-days-a-week (most of the time IN THE OFFICE!!), will get nothing because I have the temerity to earn a better living than them. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 28

The last couple of days have not been great. I am still going into the office on most days, which is its own challenge. The building is pretty quiet but I am trying to limit my movement in the building to a bare minimum - basically, to use the bathroom and heat my lunch - but even that is fraught with peril. I breathe a big sigh of relief when the day is over, but home is no respite. The phone keeps vibrating late into the night with new work emails, each buzz a little jolt of stress to my body. The cats still need to be cared for and all of it exhausts me to the point I am in bed by 8:30 on most nights. I have worked some part of the last two weekends as well. I am really not sure how much longer this can go on.

Follow me on Twitter @scarylawyerguy

March 26

Today is my first day working from home and I am very pleased. It is not just being able to work in my PJs and not having to shave, it is the comfort of knowing I do not have to be out in public, potentially being exposed to a deadly virus. It has upturned our society in ways I could not imagine and it really is frightening.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 25

I went to the grocery store this morning. The experience was *much* better than the past two weeks. First, there were far fewer people there at 6 am when the store opened. Second, the shelves were better stocked (though good luck finding hand sanitizer or toilet paper). Third, I moved swiftly to get what I needed and lucked out that the one checkout line (still?!) was empty. So, the whole thing took 20 minutes and I'm good for a week. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 24

Are there silver linings to the coronavirus? I will try to find a few. For one, I did a bunch of stuff before everything hit - renewed my driver's license, my car registration, and filed my federal/state taxes - so I'm all good. For another, because the library is closed, I have two great books to read that I would not have otherwise been able to finish in the three-week timeframe I would have otherwise had to read them. Finally, because I'm so focused on avoiding getting sick, I haven't been able to focus on all the OTHER things that make me depressed!

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 22

So I had a 20 minute panic attack this morning, which was fun. I went out to take photos this morning in the very cold weather and was not dressed warmly enough and when I got home the air temperature was like 68 degrees so I turned the fireplace on but started shivering. I of course assumed it was the beginning of coronavirus and a full panic attack ensued until the house warmed up (as did my body temperature) and now I am fine. This is going to be a long couple of weeks/months.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy

March 21

I made it through the week. Looking back, it all seems like a blur of stress and fear and praying I did not get sick. I went grocery shopping yesterday morning. It was not fun, but it was tolerable. Maybe I am just getting accustomed to being in a free for all with other highly stressed out people. My food stock is now much better, so going forward, I will not need to buy as much, which will also lessen the amount of time I am in the store, which will hopefully lead to less stress.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy

March 19

Life has taken on a different kind of routine. I still get up every morning to take care of the cats. I still shower and shave and put on a suit and tie. I still (!) drive into my office (against my will). But now, I close the door and sit in my office quietly doing my work, only getting up to use the bathroom until it is time to leave. It is unnerving and stressful to be in *any* public space and those of us who are still coming in provide one another wide berth if we run into each other in the halls, but it is basically like being in quarantine, only getting paid to do it. At the appointed time, I leave and come home. Thankful to have survived another day.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 18

My one and only concern in life is these two fur balls. My biggest fear with coronavirus is not catching it per se, but getting it so bad I would be in a hospital. I have very few people I can rely on in this world and the idea of imposing on them to keep P and G safe devastates me. P and G truly are my world. I would (and do) anything to keep them safe and protected. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 17

I survived Shop Rite. It was surreal. I have shopped at this grocery store for 15 years and I had never been there that early (5:55 AM), inside as they turn on the lights but shoppers are already busy picking over what is left. Some things were in short supply (predictably, fresh meat, all paper products) while other things were readily available (all the red peppers you could want!). It was crowded and they only had one check out lane open (baffling); however, they had the self-checkout open and even though I was that asshole who had well more than 30 items (albeit a lot of small ones like cat food), I went for it. I was in and out in about 30 (stressful) minutes, but felt much better that my stock of food is more robust in the event things get worse.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 16

I tweeted about this, but my office allows people with kids to work from home, no questions asked, while the rest of us have to come in. And I do not work in a small office, there are a lot of people in my building and the risk of exposure is far greater than if you're sitting at home with little Jimmy watching the Teletubbies or whatever is hip these days. It is really pissing me off. I don't have family up here who can help me. I don't have friends who can look after my cats if god forbid something happened to me. It's JUST ME. Why shouldn't I be allowed to work from home? 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 15

I took a coronavirus break today. I broke out my camera to take some pictures of the (very) early blooms. I changed the sheets on my bed. I cleaned the house. It was a nice diversion.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 14

I had a long chat at work yesterday with an old friend of mine. As we talked, it dawned on me that I am no longer trying to climb the ladder. It is an odd thing because as far back as when I was at the White House in my 20s, my boss there (who is now the AG of the District of Columbia) observed that I was a young man in a hurry. No more. I am in middle age and content with my station in life. I am just running out the clock until I can retire and get the fuck out of New Jersey.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 13

A rare positive post. I had what was probably my best day at work in the last ... three months? six months? Definitely the best day of 2020. For once, I am being put in a role I am good at, that I thrive at, that I know how to do. Why it takes the people I work for so long to utilize me in this way baffles me. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 12

This coronavirus outbreak is exhausting. On the one hand, it's the sky is falling on TV (not to mention the grocery store where, at 7 am this morning, it was waaaay more crowded than it usually is and people were panic shopping) and on the other, we still go into work and interact with people literally having no idea who is infected and who is not. It is really strange.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 11

A co-worker cried in my office today. It was so awkward. I had to deliver some bad news to her and she did not take it well. I think I get asked to do jobs like this because I'm dead inside and therefore do not react to people expressing strong emotion in front of me. Still, I tried to comfort her a little but it just did not go well. Finally, she asked me about my cats (I have pictures of P and G on the wall) and that seemed to ease the tension. Once she calmed down a little, I shuffled her out of my office.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 10

It looks like Bernie is going to lose and lose BIG tonight. Which pleases me. Calls for him to drop out will intensify and I suspect even if he does not drop out (because he's a stubborn prick) his support will go down because voters are not here for a repeat of 2016, resulting in his ultimate defeat looking worse, which will please me even more because I fucking hate that guy.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Bill

The first thing you notice about Bill the Fitness Instructor is his thinness. Bill is thin in the way men sometimes become thin in their later years (if I had to guess, I’d say he’s north of 60) - the muscle definition is not quite there and the skin sags, but objectively he is thin. He is also a tick over 6 feet tall with a mostly-still-there head of grey hair swept into a quasi-pompadour that gives away his Jersey roots. The product he uses, along with a head band and microphone that wrap around his head, ensure not a hair will move during the next hour of vigorous exercise. Bill is also a true believer. While members set up their spots with mats and weights, his pre-class banter often focuses on how few people take the time to take care of their bodies and how our society is in an epidemic of obesity and preventable disease like diabetes. 

I will admit, the first time I attended one of Bill’s total body conditioning classes, it was difficult to take the man seriously. The house music he pumps through the sound system gives the room a night club vibe and as he begins to gyrate his lanky frame along to the beat, the smart ass in me had to suppress a chuckle. Five minutes in, I was grabbing my shorts and sucking wind. 

It is easy to dismiss a man who looks like a Sopranos character from the neck up and a bean pole from the neck down, but when he is putting you through a routine with no breaks, when you are using all your major muscle groups in tandem and simultaneously, and doing so for 45 minutes, you grudgingly hand him your respect. Twenty minutes in, after we have used the sliders to do mountain climbers, the 10-pound weights to do shoulder presses (while bopping to the beat), the 8-pound weights to do hammer curls, and on and on and on, I find myself looking at the clock asking “how much longer.” 

Each exercise is done for 2 minutes nonstop. And Bill is no sideline cheerleader. He is in the mix right there with you, huffing and puffing even as barks encouragement - COME ON … COME ON he bellows, as if willing a child out of its mother’s womb - and gentle pushes to pick up the heavier weights, that failure is success (because if you push yourself to failure and then try again, you are succeeding), and that what we are doing is hard and that we should feel good about doing it. Little by little the whole experience permeates your body. You keep time with the beat. You squeeze a little more toothpaste out of the tube. You fail again and again. And then you go right back to it. 

By the time Bill tells those wearing heart monitors to shut them down, everyone is drenched in sweat and gasping for air. So is Bill. Taken in full, it is A LOT. At the end of the first class I took, Bill walked around handing out index cards. I had no idea what he was doing, so I bounced. It was only after a few more classes that I stuck around to see what was written on those cards. As it turns out, they are motivational sayings - “Dream big and dare to fail,” and “It never gets easier. You just get better at it,” are two that I received recently. I put them on my refrigerator eagerly awaiting the next class and the next message.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 8

Another dispatch from the dating world .... On Friday, I went on a second date. While mentioning how had I moved out of my house when I got divorced, I would have never had Pumpkin and Ghost she interjected and said "Oh, I can't wait to play with them." To which I responded "Oh, that will never happen." I did not mean to say she would never meet them, just that they don't respond well to people who are not me. Of course, the way it came out made it sound like I would never invite her to my house and I immediately explained that was not what I meant, but in any event, it definitely put a damper on things. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 7

I have many ~ thoughts ~ about the state of politics, of which I share most of them on Twitter. But one of the things I miss about blogging more seriously is fleshing out ideas. I want to get back to that, but I also believe, at bottom, whether Trump wins or loses in November will be based mostly on whether the people who hate his guts are a greater number than the people who think he walks on water. I want to believe the majority of the nation sees him as I do - as a venal huckster, a con man, and a danger to democracy - but I also know that there are millions out there (not to mention deep pocketed evil corporate types) who revere him. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 6

It looks like I will be able to turn off the central heat this weekend. It is by far the earliest I have done so since I moved into this house 15 years ago. Part of it is because I now use the gas fireplace more, but part of it is this has been a very mild winter with the added benefit of no snow. If you told me winter would be like this all the time, I would not leave New Jersey when I retire, but I think this was an anomaly.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 5

In the hellscape of social media, there was a small moment of levity yesterday. A Stern Show caller started a hashtag #unfollowbobo2020 (later amended to #unfollowbobo) because Bobo complained that the show did not follow him on Twitter. Bobo lost about 4,000 followers and those of us who needed a good laugh received one.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy

March 3

Things look good for Biden tonight and I am pleased. Look, Biden was not my first choice (or my second choice) but the idea of having to vote for Bernie in November did not fill me with joy. I have no idea if Biden will win, he has obvious liabilities (age, his son, etc.) but the fact he is winning primary states with no organization, no advertising, and little fundraising suggests that the loathing of Trump is so great, none of it will matter.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 2

Random "scenes" from the past 24 hours ... I hear Dirty Laundry on the radio and am struck by how much the lyrics resonate in today's culture even though the song is almost 40 years old ... Midday I fall asleep on the couch watching a rerun of the Better Call Saul premiere ... When I get into bed the same thought crosses my mind - how those few minutes before I go to sleep and Ghost is at the foot of the bed grooming himself are the happiest time of every day ... I wake up at 1:58 a.m. in a sweat over a dream I have about my ex-wife threatening to sue me if I don't give her things (I don't remember what) she left here almost 10 years ago ... 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

March 1

I had a lovely first date today. I have no idea if it will go anywhere, but for 90 minutes, I had a lovely time with a smart, attractive woman who had interesting things to say. That's it, that's the post.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy