It's Been A Minute

I haven't posted in a long time. I don't really have an explanation or an excuse, it's just that 2026 has been without a doubt the most challenging year I've had to go through in a long time. As I mentioned in my one and only post earlier this year, I herniated a disc in my back in January. It was a severe herniation, like I could barely walk for several weeks, was in constant pain, could not even stand up to use the bathroom (or shower) for over a month, and still had to function at work (although my employer was nice enough to let me work from home), take care of the cats, manage doctor's appointments, etc. all while we went through a 10 day stretch right after I hurt myself when the temperature didn't even break 32 degrees. 

It took three months before I was able to do even the lightest exercise, which was by far the longest I had gone without working out in more than 20 years. I had also packed on 10 pounds because I was so depressed, and of course, working off that weight has been an additional challenge. Even now, almost seven (!) months after the incident, my right leg is still messed up. I can't put full weight on it (likely caused by nerve damage that may take months longer to heal or might never fully heal at all!) and any time I feel even the slightest pain in my back I freak out for fear I might re-injure myself. It is basically like living a nightmare. Every time I bend over to pick something up or lift a bag of cat litter or have to stop myself short and lead with my (weaker) leg, the panic just washes over me. I am able to work out now, which is good, but there are a lot of exercises I just can't do - burpees, lunges, squatting with anything more than like 10 pounds, etc. Just completely off limits and that also frustrates me, I am used to being very active and athletic and I have had to dial down my workouts considerably to manage my rehabilitation. 

On top of all that, I have a whole thing going on with my stupid health insurer who all the way back in February denied my doctor's request that I have an MRI to determine why I was in so much pain. I went ahead and had the MRI done (which confirmed the diagnosis of a herniated disc and was needed for me to do any physical therapy, apparently I was supposed to just writhe in pain for six freaking weeks before even getting the MRI if my health insurer is to be believed!) and it cost more a little over three thousand dollars. So I appealed the denial and am still waiting to get a decision back. It is handy to have a law degree. At the first appeal, I got the denial of my back MRI overturned and am now on the second appeal of my hip MRI (which was denied at the first appeal stage). It is easier for me than I'd assume it is a layperson to marshal evidence, an argument, and a conclusion in a way that is both easy to read and persuasive, so we'll see. 

It is just very hard to stay positive. I wake up every morning hoping to feel improvement in my leg and it does not come. I feel a pinch in my back and immediately feel anxious. I spend a lot of time asking why this happened to me and how unfair it feels and it does not do any good because there is no reason, it is not like the universe singled me out, but I do feel like I'm being tested - mentally, psychologically, and physically - and I am just trying to do my best to make it through each day. 

You Drive

When I was in college, my sister was in a really bad car accident. She spent several weeks in the hospital with a fractured pelvis and even after she was released, her rehab took a long time. I was home for winter break while she was recovering. Physically she was improving but she could not get over the mental hurdle of getting behind the wheel again. But one day I needed to make a run to 7-11 for something, I don't remember what, and she asked to come along. I said sure, but "you drive." And she did. I think it was a combination of needing someone to believe in her and also give her the gentlest nudge.

Back in January, I suffered a serious injury - I herniated a disc in my back. The rupture was significant and for 2-3 weeks after it happened, I could barely walk, was in constant pain, and feared I would need surgery to repair the disc. Worse still, this all happened during a particularly bad cold spell (like 10 days when the temperature never rose above freezing), while I was also trying to navigate work, taking care of my cats, doctor's appointments, fights with my health insurer, etc. I was doing all this on my own because I don't have any family or close friends nearby to help. My sleep suffered because I could not find a comfortable position and was waking up every hour or two in excruciating pain. 

There were some very dark days and my mental health suffered almost as much as my physical health. To go from working out six days a week to barely being able to go up a flight of stairs much less being able to stand up to use the bathroom (or shower) was a real gut punch on top of the constant pain and feeling like my physical health would never improve. Slowly but surely, it did and six weeks after I sustained the injury I was well enough to go back into the office a couple of days a week. I could walk well enough, my pain had subsided, and was (finally) able to stand up to pee. Small victories. 

I'm now a little more than three months out from the incident and while I am now logging 10,000 steps a day and even doing about 15 minutes of light cardio a couple of days a week, I've easily put on 10 pounds and every little tweak or pinch I feel in my back sends me into a spiral of fear that I might re-injure myself. It's not ideal. And it is hard to be your own cheerleader when what you really want (or need) is someone to say they believe in you but also give me a nudge to keep pushing toward a more normal life and no one is here to do that.