This week on Succession … Roman buys some photos, Greg has a drink, and Gerri goes on a date. And now, the Power Rankings:
1. Logan Roy (last week: 5): Like an old grandmaster you saw five moves ahead of everyone, moving your chess pieces around the board knowing the final outcome. While we focused on the shiny objects you were quietly suing for peace with Stewy and Sandy. When you needed to reel in Kendall, you had his godfather make the call and explain the way the world works. And when your overly eager daughter tried to ditch the kids table and muscle around two guys who were negotiating deals while she was still in diapers, you put her in her place. Could it all still blow up in your face? Sure, but you see the endgame in sight, some slaps on the wrist and a big payout, and the match ending the same way it started - with you in charge.
2. Gerri Kellman (last week: 4): Logan may grudgingly acknowledge your talent but we here at the Power Rankings are big fans. Just a superb week for our acting CEO. On the professional front, you are working behind the scenes with Karl and Frank to make Stewy and Sandy disappear while simultaneously strategizing with Laurie between courses of your lunch date on the best way to handle your boss’s legal predicament. On the personal front, you told Roman in not so many words that he will need to look elsewhere to work out his sexual kinks, but if he gets past the disappointment you also imparted some exceptional advice when it comes to decision making in the Waystar Royco universe - “how does this advance my personal position?”
3. Shiv Roy (last week: 3): You worked in politics long enough to know that there is a direct connection between being part of the decision making process and the power you wield. And so it is easy to understand why your wires got crossed with Logan. After all, you were the one sitting in the room strategizing with him and you were the one he gave marching orders – to flip ATN’s coverage of the President, make sure Connor is still on lockdown, and birddog the settlement negotiations. When the first task turned out to be slightly harder than you expected, owing to your husband’s sudden obsession with ancient Roman history, you went directly to the source and explained how things would be to Mark Ravenhead. When it came time to talk to Connor, you laughed off his request to be brought into the company for a little a résumé polishing and instead, offered him the chance to expound on his hyper decanting skills on a wine tasting show no one would watch. Connor may have dismissed you as playing post office stamping imaginary mail, but with everyone else in the fold, we doubt your dad is going to give him the sucky suck on his dicky dick he thinks he deserves. And when you saw Karl and Frank lollygagging, ketchup smudges on the settlement docs and seemingly in no hurry to resolve the non-disparagement clause, you got over your skis a bit. We do not take Logan’s reprimand that “everything everywhere is always moving forever” as anything other than a tough love life lesson, but you would be well served to appreciate that the shit shovelers in the office kind of know what they are doing. For now, if you get past the fact that your marriage is in shambles, you have compromised your ideals, and are now one of the public faces of a company embroiled in a major federal investigation, you put in a solid week at the office.
4. Josh Aaronson (last week: NR): Are you just some putz who got lucky at the casino one night? Maybe, but that 4 percent stake gives you the power to summon Logan and Kendall to your beachside mansion in Montauk for a meeting of the minds. Ken’s Go Joe pitch did not exactly blow you away and you really had to pull teeth to get Logan to say anything nice about his wayward number one son, but it seemed like you were ready to stick with the home team until Logan made that not-so-subtle coffee and bagel jab. You decided to fuck with the old man and wander around the brambles to see if his ticker could take it. When he finally tapped out, you had your answer (and revenge). As Kendall fumes in his private jet, you are bro hugging Stewy, already counting that three hundred fifty mil you expect to recoup once all this messiness is resolved.
5. Roman Roy (last week: 6): Every time we think about bumping you up a few rungs on the ladder, you have a performance like this which reminds us why we are reluctant to do so. We get it, your kink is humiliation, but it is just the flip side of the sadistic streak you show over and over again. The first time you offered someone a million dollars, it was the son of one of your dad’s servants, who you dangled that hefty payday in front of if he could hit a home run. When he got tagged out at home (by a mile) you took a bit too much pleasure in his failure. Now, another million is on offer to a formerly homeless man whose forehead you, Kendall, and the rest of his bachelor party posse used as a Post-It note fifteen years ago but you now see as a way to pile on your brother. Just not a good look and, as Gerri helpfully pointed out, not a way to advance your own position, except you are so hyped up at the idea she is dating an age-appropriate man, you cannot see the wisdom in her counsel. Our suggestion? See if Tabitha would be open to the eunuch besties arrangement you had last season and be your acceptable arm candy for public-facing social events. Behind closed doors, we get that you may need the frisson of being insulted by your actual boss, but since that window has closed, track down one of the many professionally trained dominatrixes in New York City who will gladly call you a slime puppy and tell you that you are worthless while you nut in the corner. You are clearly backed up, but once you have released the poison you might realize Gerri is trying to give you a hand (just not in the way you want her to).
6. Kendall Roy (last week: 2): When you are in your command pod surrounded by your entourage and a view of New York City most of us can only dream of, you see yourself as Techno Gatsby, a visionary who will leapfrog tech and turn Waystar into the information hub of the future. But the moment you bump up against the real world, you are Little Lord Fuckleroy, cosplaying your dad in a black baseball cap and upturned denim jacket, getting the polite brush off when you try to show Josh your vision for the company’s future and then told you need to shut down the outrage shop and lay down your arms. You see right through Logan’s lie to Josh that it really could be you one day and then have to shift into crisis mode when it looks like your dad is going to keel over in an anonymous spot in the Hamptons. Your allies have been compromised, Logan’s pressure campaign against the Raisin is threatening to derail any investigation, and even if it goes forward, he’s got an all-star team of ex-DOJ muckety mucks who will make it all go away, even if you have the goods to show he is implicated in the cruise line scandal. You overplayed your hand and now you are getting the blame for Logan’s near death experience to boot. You may need some quality father/son (Face) time with Iverson and that overfed rabbit while you consider next steps.
7. Cousin Greg(ory) (last week: 9): You were not quite the sturdy birdie you promised you were to Kendall. You had a little leverage, and that strong rum and coke Kerry poured stiffened your spine just enough to actually blurt out the words “what’s it worth” to one of the most powerful men in the world. It may be that the bright lights and big city - not to mention vetting Nazi-adjacent ATN hosts, testifying before Congress, and human foot stooling - have become too much for you. You would not be the first person New York City has chewed up, spit out, and sent back to middle America. Perhaps a mid-level gig at a theme park in Buffalo is more your speed, but I would not hold my breath that Comfry will join you out in the sticks, and when Roger Pugh finds out you signed that joint defense agreement, he is going to choke on his double black eye.
8. Shakespeare Frank Vernon (last week: NR): We were beginning to worry, Frank. Perhaps you have been too busy boning up on the latest books on the New York Times bestseller list or you just wanted to avoid getting too close to the flames, but until now, you have spent this season as a quiet presence, lingering in the background without much to do. But when Logan needed someone he knew Ken would trust to explain the importance of locking down Josh’s support without suspecting he was being set up, you got off the bench, grabbed your bat, and hit it out of the park.
9. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 8): Things have taken a very dark turn, (Terminal) Tom. It is bad enough you are spending your day comparing the relative merits of various federal correctional facilities and noodling over jailhouse moonshine recipes, but when your wife barges into your office and lords her power over you, it is no wonder you are feeling impotent and want to use Greg as a punching bag. And when you try to reassert yourself and tell Shiv that Ravenhead won’t go along with her request to go on the offensive against the Raisin, she just undermines you further by going over your head and making him do it anyway. We hope you enjoy that chilled glass of white wine (while you still can).
10. Kerry (last week: NR): Being Logan’s personal assistant should come with hazard pay, but every now and again you get a small perk, like riding in the corporate jet and eavesdropping on a conversation as your boss has a good laugh listening to the President of these United States have a temper tantrum.
Not Ranked: Connor Roy. Willa. Marcia Roy. Hugo Baker. Karolina. Karl. Michelle-Anne, the Pantsuit Barnacle. Jess Jordan. Colin. Remy. Stewy. Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphilis). Sandi (with an “i”) Furness. Mark Ravenhead. Montgomery Clift. Henry Kissinger. Tattoo Man. Nero and Sporus. Gourmando. Kosher vending machines. The Sgt. Pepper of Broken Corporate America. Prison Blogs. Toilet Wine. Deep Fried Deck Shoes. Courtesy Pastries. The Westchester Judge Fuckers.
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