This week on Succession … Kendall visits HQ, Roman does an interview, and Shiv gives a speech. And now … the Power Rankings:
1. The FBI (last week: NR): There are certain things you do not mess with. The coronavirus. Natural disasters. A search warrant from the Federal Bureau of Investigation. When you get Logan Roy to go from “tell them to fuck off” to “we are cooperating” faster than you can say “no real person involved” you will be rewarded with the top spot in the Power Rankings.
2. Kendall Roy (last week: 2): How is your headspace now, Ken? The thing about living in a bubble of wealth and privilege that allows you to walk away scot free when you do everything from killing another human being to literally shitting in a bed is that you think you are untouchable. When you are cruising in your stretch limo like a kid at prom playing GOOD TWEET/BAD TWEET or get asked for your autograph before appearing on a talk show, prank your sister as she tries to rally the troops and give a keynote at the Committee for the Protection and Welfare of Journalists gala, you can gin up a lot of false bravado. You confuse being part of the conversation with being an object of ridicule. And when your ego is tissue thin, it does not take much to have it deflated. After your sister fillets you like a fish monger and Sophie Iwobi dismisses you as a jar of mayonnaise in a Prada suit, you are shell shocked and in need of help. So what are you doing near the top of the Power Rankings? Once you get past the shriveled up ball of insecurity crumpled in a heap looking like his dog just got shot, who would you rather be right now? Logan, with an army of blue jacketed FBI agents about to insert a probe up Waystar’s ass, or Ken, whose attorney is negotiating an immunity deal? Yes, the law is people and people are politics and it does not hurt when you can bend the ear of a senior White House aide at the snap of your fingers, but at the end of the day, the kidzzz may chuckle at Oedipussy, but the only consequence is snickering behind your back. If the feds decide to shut you down, it’s game over.
3. Shiv Roy (last week: 5): We cannot say Ken did not have it coming. His crude dismissal of your teat-based value (girls count double!) after you rejected his proposal to team up did not sting any less after he apologized for it, but it was his little stunt that interrupted your first public appearance as a high-ranking Waystar official that caused you to go nuclear instead of just spitting in his day planner. After spending so many years in politics, your not-in-anger-but-in-sorrow open letter exposing all of Ken’s shortcomings was something you probably wrote in your sleep, but it did not make a lot of sense because your years in politics also made you skeptical of the story your dad tried to spin minimizing all the “salty moves” in the cruise line division. If your decision to do that oppo dump on Ken was the simple calculus of knowing each man’s flaws and deciding Logan was a better bet, you may end up being the busted flush. Ken may need Comfry to generate some good social media buzz to boost his spirits, but that is a far easier task than explaining away an FBI raid as a “move along, nothing to see here, folks” situation.
4. Gerri Kellman (last week: 3): It is too bad Logan has never seen you as anything other than a name on a piece of paper to use as a full chemical and biological hazard suit to protect his daughter through the shit storm because he might realize you actually know what you are doing. When you told him to cool it with the White House back channel, he went ahead and button holed Michelle-Anne anyway. When he refused to accept service of a subpoena, you tried to explain that is not how the game is played. When that decision resulted in a swarm of federales banging on the front door with a search warrant, you were proved correct. When he wanted Kendall handcuffed if he tried to enter the office, you counseled discretion – let Ken come in, ignore him, and let HR do what HR does instead of handing the DOJ a gas can. Again, he blew you off and instead of a seamless (and soulless) company town hall, Shiv got heckled off the stage by Nirvana blaring “RAPE ME” out of some surreptitiously placed speakers. If Logan treats you this way when you are right, what do you think is going to happen to you when you are wrong?
5. Logan Roy (last week: 1): One nice thing about running a company Rhea Jarrell called a "dumpster fire pirate death ship" is you become adept at crisis management. You're back in the C suite strategically deploying your troops. Karolina and Hugo have pulled out the PR 101 playbook, sending Roman off for a soft focus interview and have teed up a full page ad ("We Get It" > "We Here For You"). Tom is doing the grimmier work of leaning on a potentially damaging witness and hey, you even tossed Gerri a small bone by signing off on that Israeli machine learning operation sale. But your most important assignment - neutralizing Ken - has been handed to your newly minted President of Domestic Operations, who you needed to do a hard sell on to convince your hands, while not entirely clean, are not covered in NRPI blood. And for most of the episode, things looked promising. Everyone did their somersaults for you, bending to your will and carrying out your orders. But you could not quite leave well enough alone. You did not take the hint contained in the strategic dead air from 1600 PA Avenue when Gerri called Michelle-Anne en route to Sarajevo and so, while your interests and the Raisin’s may be aligned, the folks in the Southern District are unamused.
6. Roman Roy (last week: 4): Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. You may dismiss your older brother behind closed doors as an expert in self-destruction, but you are smart enough to know that putting your name on it publicly takes things to a place you are not comfortable going. There was no use getting in the middle of Shiv and Ken’s rock fight when you could score some easy points with the old man by repackaging a fond childhood memory you shared with Connor as one you shared with him.
7. Sophie Iwobi (last week: NR): We are here for it, Sophie. ALL OF IT. Snitchy Rich. Caucasian Rich Brain. Wokestar Royco. Benedickhead Arnold. Paranoid Kendroid. There are few targets easier to hit than a rich white man who flashes gang signs outside Jean-Georges, so tell your writer’s room to empty the chamber of every sick burn they can came up with, knowing full well Roman will recycle each and every one at Thanksgiving dinner.
8. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: NR): We sympathize, Tom. It is not fun being the last eunuch in the Forbidden City. You were a mid-western meat puppet who got seduced by the trappings of wealth afforded to you when you started dating the daughter of one of the most powerful men in the business world - the chartered jets, the chauffeured rides, the human foot stools - were all there for the taking. It was easy to ignore the obvious red flags, like when Bill handed you that air gapped computer with all the cruise line dirt on it or when your soon-to-be wife asked for an open marriage the night before your wedding, or the ease with which Logan was prepared to shitcan you in order to secure Nan Pierce’s agreement to the merger with PGM. Of course, the mess you are in is also mostly of your own making. You did melt like feta cheese in front of the U.S. Senate, you are witness tampering and you should not be surprised when you tell a lawyer about a theoretical John Doe division head who directed the destruction of incriminating documents that the lawyer does not see an ending where that theoretical John Doe does not end up in jail. Whether it was when Shiv agreed that falling on your sword and going to the clink would be a good move or Logan trying to convince you no one would actually end up there, it appears you finally wised up, are seeking independent counsel and perhaps a deal that will save your bacon.
9. Cousin Greg(ory) (last week: 8): We like you Greg, but the Power Rankings are not a popularity contest. There is an old saying in Texas that the only things you find in the middle of the road are yellow lines and dead armadillos, an axiom it appears you are proving true. Trying to keep one foot in Team Logan and one foot in Team Kendall is not going well. In the office, Tom is literally shoving you in a utility closet; after hours, you are getting dared into dropping coin you do not have on a watch you do not need. While you might be self-conscious about your wrists (in addition to your not-aesthetically pleasing toe nails) the feds will have a pair of handcuffs that fit just fine because you destroyed evidence and (may have) lied to Congress.
10. Comfry (last week: NR): If you showed the same level of skill in prepping Ken for his media appearances as you did in getting Greg to relinquish forty thousand of his hard earned dollars, we might consider bumping you up a few notches in the Power Rankings. For now, your presence is largely due to a dearth of other options. Don’t get cozy.
Not Ranked: Connor Roy. Willa. Marcia Roy. Ewan Roy. Shakespeare Frank. Karolina. Hugo Baker. Lisa Arthur. Roger Pugh. Stewy. Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphilis). Sandi (with an “i”) Furness. Michelle-Anne, the Pantsuit Barnacle. Rex Hendon. Colin. Mondale the Dog. The shaved fennel salad. Blur Face and Who Cares. Rebooting Pinocchio. Nate. The Times New Roman Firing Squad. Fly fishing in Montana. Cyanide pills. Ugly rocks. Stalin.
Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy
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