Thursday, May 30, 2019

May 30

Last night was not great. After making it through work even though I had been up since three o'clock in the morning, severe weather came through the area. Luckily, I ducked out a little early and beat the worst of it, but about 10 minutes after I got home, it looked like the end of the world. It was borderline pitch black and rain came down in sheets. The TV told me there was a tornado warning and both my phones starting buzzing with emergency alerts. It was pretty scary. If the shit had gone down, Ghost would have survived because he lets me pick him up and I deposited him in the basement. Pumpkin will be on her own because I could not corral her. They are both fine, and I fell asleep before nine and slept through the night until a little past four. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

May 29

I have been up since three o'clock this morning. Not ideal, although I did go to bed at nine last night, so a solid six hours but it was too hot in my bedroom last night and I should have slept down in the basement where it's nice and cool (or god forbid, turn on the air conditioning, it is summer after all). 

Anyway, I tossed and turned for about 45 minutes and then got up. The cats followed me downstairs and I stared at the TV until about five o'clock. Yesterday, the landscapers came to dig up my backyard, level it out, and resod it. $1500 and a daily watering responsibility for me later. It was one of those things that was long overdue, so when I look at the money, it basically comes out to (roughly) $150 a year since it has been about 10 years since it should have been done. 

I had breakfast and went to the grocery story at about 6:45. Gotta love New Jersey drivers as there was almost a three-car crash because a car did not yield to me and the car behind me was tail gating. I swear, you take your life into your own hands every time you leave the fucking house in this shit state.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

May 28

First day back in the office was fine. Honestly, not as bad as I anticipated. I spent most of the morning catching up on email, had a meeting right before lunch, then reviewed some files in the afternoon. Very low key. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Monday, May 27, 2019

May 27

Ugh. Today is the last day of my vacation and I am simultaneously pissed because I feel like I wasted the last 10 days and pissed because I do not want to go back to work tomorrow. I am trying to reset my body so it is back in "work" mode - I will try not to nap today, I will do my lunch meal prep, and all the rest. It is just SO dispiriting knowing there is nothing to go back to tomorrow that is in any way interesting or exciting. 

As I was going to sleep last night I was thinking about how if you live to 75, turning 50 means you have lived exactly two-thirds of your life. It bummed me out.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Saturday, May 25, 2019

May 25

I really cannot express how frustrated I got this morning when my *new car* with less than 900 miles on it, flashed the dreaded low tire pressure signal. I went into a full-throated rage monster mode, like how the fuck could this happen when I just bought this car a month ago ... it is a holiday weekend ... why does this bullshit keep happening to me ...  blah blah blah blah blah. 

Even after putting air in the tires, the light stayed on. When I got home and googled how to handle the light on a Subaru, I found out basically you just drive it around (which I had done). So, I took it to the local tire shop (who had helped with my Jetta back in February) and they checked it out. They reinflated all the tires to the manufacturer specs and the light went out. On the bright side, they did not charge me and I ran into a co-worker who I had a nice chat with and calmed me down. Ultimately, much ado about nothing, but in the moment, I was furious. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy

Friday, May 24, 2019

May 24

My vacation week is drawing to a close. I had big plans for it but ended up watching TV and going to the gym. It feels like a waste. The weather has been good, I like being outside when it is warm, but yet, I spend hour after hour mindlessly surfing the couch (and cable). Oh well.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

May 22

I was going to do a bunch of day trips this week and take nature photos, but instead, I have spent most of it napping and watching The Office re-runs. Win?

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

May 21

Having read ALL THE TAKES on the series finale of Game of Thrones I have just a few thoughts. First and foremost is the question of whether the broad strokes comport with Martin's final vision for his own work. If they do, then what people are complaining about is a failure of TV to capture the fine details. 

Of course, *had* Martin finished his series we would know the answer, but to some degree, that he has not may end up ginning up more interest in his final two books. Readers (and some show viewers who became readers after the show started) are now even more incentivized to buy those books so all the unanswered questions (and those specific, point of view details) can be filled in. 

My second thought is that a show that came into the home stretch teasing us that its main character would break the wheel ended up being ground down by it. In an alternate universe, if the show ended with the season six finale The Winds of Winter (for all the criticism of seasons 7 and 8, this episode also exists after the end of Martin's book runway, so give Benioff and Weiss some credit) leaving to viewers (and Martin) the opportunity to wrap up the story some time in the future. I would have been fine with that ambiguity. 

Instead, the wheel breaker adopted the tactics of the wheel spinners and ended up being snuffed out because of it. Dany ended up ignoring the advice of some ("be a dragon" said Lady Oleanna) and continually stepped on the rakes laid out by others (most notably, her closest advisor Tyrion). When she rebelled against all of it because two of her dragons and two of her closest friends both died, and nuked the world she wished to inherit, she gets a blade in the chest for it. Ultimately, the wheel simply continues to spin, with some old people and some new people filling the seats deciding how to build sewers, replenish fleets, and all the rest. 

Finally, it is important to remember that this is all fleeting. Even writing less than 48 hours after the series finale feels dated. By next week, it will be forgotten. For as intense as all of the publicity seems in the moment, its half-life is vanishingly short once the story ends.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Monday, May 20, 2019

May 20

Today is the kind of day I envision my retirement being. Getting up. Taking care of the cats. Eating breakfast. Going to the gym. Coming home. Showering. Eating lunch. Taking a nap. Lather, rinse, repeat, until I die. I really do just want a simple life without any responsibility, I just hope I live long enough to have one.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy

Sunday, May 19, 2019

May 19

In a lengthy (and largely unrelated) post, the writer Drew Magary said the following: 

I am a 42-year-old father of three. My entire goal in life is to be left the fuck alone.
I don't wanna do anything. I don't wanna go anywhere. And I sure as shit do not
wanna talk to anyone. All I wanna do is sit in my chair. 

Fam, that is me, for real (without the kids). I am at the point where I have restricted the time I spend away from my home to the bare minimum. Work. The gym. Errands. The energy it takes nowadays just to do those things is substantial, forget doing anything above and beyond that. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Friday, May 17, 2019

May 17

I am off for the next eleven days and it is glorious. Not because I will go on some fancy trip, but simply because I will not have to go to work. That I will be able to run dumb errands I never seem to get around to and nap, and hang with my cats, and just relax. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy

Thursday, May 16, 2019

May 16

The Wedding Singer was on TV this weekend. Aside from the spot on 80s homage and Jon Lovitz's absolutely classic scene-stealing version of Ladies Night, there was a scene toward the end hit a wee bit too close to home. Robbie (Adam Sandler) is at the bar drowning his sorrow at losing Julia (Drew Barrymore) and has the following conversation with his friend Sammy (Allen Covert):

  • Robbie That's it, man, starting right now, me and you are going to be free and happy the rest of our lives! 
    Sammy I'm not happy. I'm miserable. 
    Robbie Wha - what? 
    Sammy See... I grew up idolizing guys like Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino because they got a lot of chicks. You know what happened to Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino? 
    Robbie Yeah, I read that Fonzie wants to be a director and Barbarino, I think... the mechanical bull movie? I didn't see it yet. 
    Sammy Their shows got canceled. Because no one wants to see a fifty-year-old guy hitting on chicks. 
    Robbie So what are you saying? 
    Sammy What I'm saying is all I really want is someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be all right. 
    Old man in bar [Comes up behind him and hugs him]  Everything is going to be all right.

I will be 50 next year and I really do just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be ok. Dating is exhausting. Trying to find someone feels like a quest that will never end (much less in success). It is pathetic and lame, but when it is laid out in such basic terms, it feels like a slap in the face and a cold reality. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

May 14

I watched the Veep series finale last night. It was fine, a little surprising that Selina threw Gary under the bus in service of being elected, but it was fine. The show was fine. In truth, it was at its most interesting about 4 seasons ago, and became a dueling-banjo insult show that lost any sense of internal consistency a few seasons back, but it was funny anyway.

Regardless, the thing about series finales is how most are anti-climactic. I have watched shows obsessively only to basically forget about them 48 hours after they stop airing. TV show universes expand early and then start contracting as they near the end. It is why fans end up getting frustrated. They want characters to have arcs that differ from those they see on the screen or they start picking on how they arrive at their climactic finish. Relationships rarely end well and because a series finale puts a period on the story being told and there is no way to reach closure other than what you see, you are left to ponder what was done right and what was done wrong, or, you just forget about things and move on with your life.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Monday, May 13, 2019

May 13

Whew. Four days until vacation. Just going to keep my head down, get through my days, and then walk out the door for 11 days.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Sunday, May 12, 2019

May 12

It was six years ago to the day (and date) that I got ready for my first trip to New York City in many years. I was meeting Special Lady Friend and her family for Mother's Day. I still remember the day vividly and it makes me sad. There was an air of possibility that is hard to describe. I had met this amazing woman and she wanted to introduce me - me! - to her family, an unmistakable sign that this was something meaningful, something serious. 

The day itself was lovely. She, her mom, brother, and sister-in-law met me at Penn Station, we took the subway to the Village, where we met her dad, her sister, brother-in-law (and three kids) for brunch. I felt like I belonged, that I was accepted. 

I won't get into how things went to shit, but today is going to be cold and rainy, so I am laying low at home, under a blanket, with my own haunted memories to keep me company and wondering if she thinks about that day too.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Saturday, May 11, 2019

May 11

Days like today are why I started using the blog more as a diary than anything else. I moved around a bunch of stuff during the week so I could make my first trip to van der Goot garden, which is an about 45-minute-drive from my house. So, I got up super early today, had a diner breakfast, and then, as I was leaving the grocery store came <this close> to running right into my ex-girlfriend or, someone who looks exactly like her. I was still shaking when I got home and then, after shlepping all the way out to Somerset, found gardens that were not yet in bloom. A whole morning wasted. I was super annoyed. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Friday, May 10, 2019

May 10

Today is Friday. I have a week left of work and then I am taking a vacation. I am LIMPING into that week off, just trying to keep my head above water until I can peace out for 10 days. Last night, I was in bed at 8:30 and asleep by 9. I need time off just to recharge my batteries, to get the energy necessary to get through life for a few more months. I am very much looking forward to this time off.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

May 8

As I sit here typing this, it is just past 8 p.m. I have basically been going non-stop for the past 15 hours. I woke up at a few minutes before 5 a.m. got the cats fed, their boxes cleaned, fed myself and was out the door by 6:30 a.m. to the grocery store. I got home about 7:15 a.m. put the groceries away, showered, shaved and was out the door and on my way to work by 8:15 a.m. I was at my desk by 8:30 a.m. and worked all day, with about 30 minutes for lunch. I went directly to the gym after work, got the tar beat out of me in a boot camp class and got home at 6:45 p.m. I fed the cats, cleaned their boxes, showered, and had dinner. And now this. I will maybe squeeze 30 minutes of down time before heading to bed and starting the whole thing all over again tomorrow. It is exhausting.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

May 7

The older I get, the more irritable I have become. Today, I was sitting through a continuing legal education class (these are mandatory in New Jersey) and the man sitting next to me was clearing his throat and coughing CONSTANTLY through the entire presentation. I kept inching my chair a little further away from him each time he let loose (in fairness, he pretty much covered his mouth). Thankfully, I was sitting at the end of the aisle, so I could sort of lean away from him even more, but I swear to God I sprang up as soon as the presentation ended like my chair had an eject button on it. 

So annoying.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Monday, May 6, 2019

May 6

"People tell us who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be." It is a foundational line from Mad Men (uttered by Don Draper in the fourth season episode The Summer Man) but there was no better example of it than last night's Game of Thrones. Arya is an assassin, not a lady. Cersei is a monster, not a compassionate mother-to-be. Jaime is addicted to his sister's love, not a knight and a hero. Sansa is a clear-eyed leader, not a little bird.

These lessons are learned by those who tried to turn them. Naive Gendry, thinking a castle and lands will matter to a woman whose body count now includes Littlefinger, Walder Frey (and all his male heirs), and, of course, the Night King. Tyrion, perhaps the worst hand in history, continuing to give the <period> worst <period> advice ever, and yet, still alive somehow? And Brienne, noble and now knighted, the one person to whom Jaime let his guard down, experiencing heartbreak in a crushing scene. 

For all the machinations that define the show, the human elements revealed last night were the toughest. 

A few random notes: 

  • The show runners have moved a lot of pieces around the board, knee capping a putative queen who had a large army, ships, and three grown dragons into an underdog who has lost two dragons, most of her army, and her ships (not to mention several of her closest allies) and turning a weak queen besieged by her enemies standing atop the capital's gate ready to inflict a final blow. 
  • I really like the Arya/Hound cop-buddy decision. Some of the best parts of Seasons 3 and 4 were the scenes between these two and how that relationship morphed over time. The Hound, dishing out unemotional lessons about the horrors of the kingdom and Arya absorbing those lessons, perhaps a bit too much and the two now at peace with their own destinies.
  • For all the complaints about a not-impressive body count last week, the out-of-nowhere killing of a second dragon and the savage beheading of Missandei should shut people up ... for at least an hour or two. 
Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Diamonds in the Rough - The Grateful Dead in 1986

Ask a deadhead what they think is the band’s best year of performances and the answers you get will vary greatly. Some will point to a primal year like 1968; others love the jazz-era of 1973 or 1974; 1977 and its mind-bending level of proficiency will always rank near the top, and other years, like 1979 (after Brent joined the band), 1981, and 1990 are likely to garner some votes too. 

On the other hand, ask a deadhead what they think is the band’s worst year of performances and the answer you get will almost uniformly be the same - 1986. [1] It was a year of low points. Shows that lasted less than two hours were played with little vigor or life. Jerry, having cleaned up for much of 1985, relapsed and, combined with his ballooning weight and poor health, was barely a presence on stage most nights. He missed lyrics left and right, his playing was subpar at best and downright awful at worst. He and Weir were rarely on the same page and many nights sounded like the band was simply going through the motions (and quickly!). 

1986 also saw the final Lost Sailor (3/24/86), a less-than-six-minute Terrapin (4/13/86), and one of the worst-rated shows in the band’s 30-year history (6/26/86). The capper was Jerry collapsing three days after the end of the band’s summer tour and lapsing into a diabetic coma that nearly killed him.

But even in the worst of times, the Dead were able to produce moments of sheer brilliance. Having combed through this fallow part of the band’s musical canon, I found a few performances worth a spin or two (in ascending date order, click on the song name for a link to the show at archive.org):

1. Visions of Johanna (Hampton Coliseum, March 19, 1986): The band’s first crack at this Dylan classic is letter perfect. Garcia has it all going on, from the lyrical phrasing to his guitar leads. It is apparent the band put the time in the studio to get this song “just exactly perfect.”

2. Uncle John’s Band (Hampton Coliseum, March 21, 1986): Closing out a strong three-night run in Hampton, the Dead opened the second set with this neat little version of UJB. Sure, Jerry flubs some lyrics, but the musical phrasing, particularly the outro-jam that starts at around five minutes, is well articulated, with Weir pushing a Supplication Jam line hoping Jerry will bite (he does not). The Terrapin>Playin’ that follows is not shabby either. 

3. Playing in the Band (Cal Expo, May 4, 1986): At this just-over-two-hour show, the band coughed out only two songs before the drums/space segment in the second set, but one of them was this super spacey 15-minute version of PITB. Garcia is not just present throughout but leading the band into dark corners of the musical universe. Lesh bops along, matching Jerry note-for-note while Brent embellishes the jam with his twinkling keys and Weir tosses out his own unique rhythmic phrasing. 

4. Fire on the Mountain (Greek Theater, June 22, 1986): This is probably my favorite version of Fire other than Cornell. It is a stand alone version that opened the second set with a slinky groove, that signature Dead anachronism (Weir coming in early on the chorus, a wildfire burning in the distance) and hypnotizing Mydland keyboard work. 

5. (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction (RFK Stadium, July 7, 1986): Had Jerry not made it, this would have been the final song the band ever performed, and a fitting ending it would have been because this is a deeply weird version of the Rolling Stones classic. The song is played at a frenetic pace with Phil dropping bombs left and right. Toward the end, Weir ad-libs band introductions, referring to Brent as a man of “much action but very few words,” referring to Jerry as “old Jer,” (who throws out a  few chords in appreciation) and Jerry returning the favor in his reedy voice by describing Bobby as “one of my favorite people in the whole world.” It is just SO Grateful Dead.

If there is a silver lining, once Jerry came out of his coma, relearned the guitar, and started taking care of himself, the come back shows at the Oakland Coliseum in mid-December 1986 heralded a new era in the band’s history. I do not consider the handful of post-coma shows as even part of the same year as the pre-coma shows, because it really is like listening to two different bands. 

If you want a sense of the euphoria fans felt that Jerry had survived his brush with death, I suggest you listen to Candyman (Oakland Coliseum, December 15, 1986). When Jerry hits the “hand me my old guitar” line, the eruption from the crowd will send chills up and down your spine. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

END NOTE


1. I know, I know. Some of you are going to argue for 1984, others for 1994 and/or 1995. A few points. While Jerry’s appearance in 1984 was appalling, his playing was still at a high level, and indeed, as I wrote here, the year in toto is highly underrated. By 1986, not only did he look terrible, his playing had fallen off as well. On the other hand, while Jerry was flagging in those last two years, the rest of the band consistently elevated their collective game to make up for his shortcomings. Not so in 1986, where the whole band was limping along. 

Friday, May 3, 2019

May 3

I feel like I am constantly scrambling to find extra time. It seems ridiculous considering I do not have a wife or children, a stable job with (relatively) consistent hours, and yet, I struggle to carve out even an hour to just "veg" out. It is part of the reason I value my weekends so much and why I also am so wary of dating - the calculus of exchanging a precious commodity (limited free time) for the low likelihood that a random stranger I am meeting will turn out to have been worth that expenditure is rarely a winner. And yet, I spend so much time bemoaning the fact I can't "find someone." It's quite the Catch-22.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Thursday, May 2, 2019

May 2

When I got home from work yesterday, the lawn was mowed. I chuckled. For more than a decade, my ego did not allow for the idea that I would pay someone else to do something I was perfectly capable of doing myself. And yet, my first thought upon seeing that this annoying chore had been taken care of by someone I had decided to pay money to was "why did I wait this long?" One less thing I am responsible for.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

May 1

What people do not understand about depression is how crippling it can be. How it just saps all of your energy and leaves you barely able to function. Yesterday, I just could not with work. I shut the door and sat at my desk and did the bare minimum to keep things moving. That was all I could muster. I got home, took care of the cats, and then collapsed on the couch until it was time for bed. Some days, that is all I can do. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy