January 31

Today was lining up to be a run-of-the-mill day, which is to say, mostly shitty but as soon as I got to work, my old assistant came by my office. To her credit, she has been helping my new assistant get acclimated to the job but she is also talking shit about the new assistant basically non-stop. 

I am not here for the drama swirl and it ends up getting me wound up because there are few things in life I hate more than someone complaining about something for which there is not a solution. Is the new assistant great? No. Is she as good as the old assistant? No. Am I going to make a big stink about it? No. I just show up and (sort of) do my job. I do not want to get involved and to listen to 10 minutes of complaining about something that I do not care about and there is nothing that can be done is a waste of my time. 

On top of it, she wound me up about the office in general and it quickly devolved into triggering my own annoyance and frustration about the way things run as it relates to me and when that happens it just sets me off on a rage spiral that basically makes it impossible for me to think rationally. I just get consumed with how shitty I get treated and it makes me want to quit, which I can't do. So, not only do I get irrationally angry over something that will not change, it diverts me from doing work that might take my mind off of how pissed off I am.

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January 30

An honest dating profile: Everything in the house is covered in cat hair. All the toilet seats are in the upright position. I am usually in bed by 9 p.m. Most public places make me uncomfortable and I spend my weekends grocery shopping and watching TV. 

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January 29

I have been thinking about this guy Brian a lot lately. Brian was one of my gym classmates for years. When I say we sweated together, I am not exaggerating. We would usually partner up to spar, to box, when intervals would require a partner for things like buddy push ups and the like. I knew him, which was to say we chatted for a few minutes before class and not much else. He was a good guy. He was about 12 years older than me so when we first met I was in my mid 30s and he was in his mid 40s. I noticed as the years passed he would not be as consistent or regular in coming to class as he once was and he would tell me how it gets harder to stay motivated as you age. He was right. I am really struggling right now to stay motivated to go to the gym, which is unheard of, considering I have been a regular gym-goer for 20 years.

Most of it is the lingering ailments, just not feeling myself. Part of it is my diet which has been terrible for the past few months -depression eating induces lots of cravings for salty snacks and chocolate apparently- and I am struggling to get my motivation back to where it should be. Brian's demise was tragic - he collapsed a couple minutes after class one night and was dead before they got him to the hospital, which was only like 3 minutes from the gym. He was 55.

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Kobe Was (Probably) A Rapist

Kobe Bryant's untimely death at age 41 has led to a mass outpouring of mourning in the sports world and beyond, but let's be clear, the man (probably) got away with raping a 19-year-old woman in 2003. Others have written at length about this, but today's New York Times did a nice job summing things up. The screen shot below points out that the case was pretty open and shut - the victim reported the incident immediately, there was significant tearing and blood in/near her vagina, and both she and Kobe had blood on their clothing. Kobe never denied the sex, he just claimed it was consensual, but based on what the prosecutors had and his full-throated attacks on her, I think we all understand what has happening. 

What Kobe did is what ever rich and powerful man has done - he vilified his victim through his lawyer, who slut shamed her in court and "outed" her by name, resulting in unrelenting media attention, threats to her and her family and a very sensible decision to accept what I assume was a multi-million dollar settlement in lieu of cooperating with the prosecution. Everyone who is outraged over Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby and Matt Lauer and Charlie Rose and on and on, this is as bad, if not worse. Kobe may have been an all-time great basketball player, he may have learned from this incident and become a great father and mentor, but he was (probably) a rapist.

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January 28

The #MeToo theme is apparent in Curb Your Enthusiasm's tenth season but the early returns suggest a tone-deafness that is suggestive of male comedians whose moment has passed and could easily morph into reactionary conservatism.

The premiere episode had Larry questioning his assistant about a tattoo on her forearm while hovering over her in the office. He then reached over to use part of her blouse to clean his glasses. In real life, this kind of behavior would, at a minimum, get you a meeting with human resources, and possibly more. Later on, Larry engages with a catering server at a party, grabbing her clumsily while trying to take food off a tray. 

The actions are murky. Larry does not respect boundaries, so it may be that using an assistant's clothing to clean his glasses was not gender-specific, but rather, just a show of his cluelessness, and the server scene resulted in his hand on her breast when his aim was the food on her tray. But the second episode crossed a line that I am surprised has not received more attention. There was a clunky scene that attempted to comment on consent culture by having Larry record himself as he sought permission from his date to place his hands on her and kiss her. The scene was uncomfortable not in the typical Curb way, but was just regular old icky. 

And while TV Larry usually falls on the right line of satire and commentary, the closing scene, where Larry meets his ex-assistant for lunch in an effort to amicably resolve their differences (as lawyers would say) crossed the line when he grabbed her arm - forcefully - to keep her in place as Larry "side sat" her so Ted Danson could see that was something Larry did not just with Danson's girlfriend (and Larry's ex wife) but with everyone. 

This was the second time in the season's two episodes where David went beyond social commentary and crossed into what would be described by most as criminal conduct. When you have built a career and a brand on shock it may be easy to elide this type of behavior. After all, Curb has struck against many sacred cows - religion, sex, handicaps, and more - but here, seeing that invasion of space felt wrong. 

Curb is one of my favorite shows but the blind spot is glaring. Earlier in the episode, Larry bemoans the idea of dating - he is old and bald, but Jeff points out that Larry is rich and rich beats old and bald any day. Sadly, the same is true of grabbing people against their will. Rich beats guilty any day. 

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January 27

I still feel like shit. This cough/congestion I went to the doctor for is not clearing up with antibiotics, so I will need to go back or have tests run. Great way to start the week ...

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January 26

I was going to write a review of Joker today but I just could not focus on it. I watched it yesterday, it is amazing that you can now just push a button on your TV and watch what is essentially still a first run movie in the comfort of your home. 

Anyway, I liked it. It had its problems of course, there were like nine different things the director was trying to get at - mental illness, alienation, marginalization, abandonment, celebrity culture, among others - but one thing that did resonate with me was a scribbling Arthur makes in his journal. He writes, "the worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave like you don't." Otherwise, I did think the entire thing happened in his head while he was in the asylum. More if/when I can spend enough time to put together a coherent review.

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January 25

Today is the birthday of one of my oldest friends in the world. He died a year or so ago, we had lost touch long before. I heard vague rumors of drug addiction and divorce but I never did get the full story. One of the down sides of adopting Don Draper's philosophy that my life only moves in one direction - forward - is that you lose the thread of people's lives who were once important to you. 

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January 24

There is a good profile of Larry David in this month's GQ. I love Curb and, as he calls himself, "TV Larry." The writer of the profile made a good point that explains why I like the show so much - TV Larry does not follow the social contract. He speaks his mind even if it offends people about precisely the small shit that we all swallow most of the time in service of keeping societal harmony. In this way, Curb is escapist, it allows us the fantasy of what it would be like if we could everyone exactly how we feel but never do.

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January 23

As awful as yesterday was, it did end on a bit of a higher note. At my boot camp class, a woman who was a regular but had not been in class for a while showed up. We had a nice chat before class started, which made me feel a little better. 

Overnight, I woke up around 2 AM (combination of being too hot and having to pee) and spent a few minutes petting Pumpkin in the upstairs hallway. I always try to make time for P and G, regardless of the time, because I do not want to regret not spending that time when they are gone. I know it is a morbid thought, but I want to spend every minute I can with them and when they want my attention they get it, even in the middle of the night. For Pumpkin, there is always a little nostalgia in this little ritual. When she was a wee one, and just starting to spend nights in the house, she would wake me up and sort of circle me in the hallway, getting a sense of me, rubbing up against my leg and letting me pet her for a few minutes and then scooting off to another part of the house. She is a little sweetie and I do love her more than anything.

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January 22

Depression is particularly acute today. I am so unhappy at work. Every day is a misery. I hate my job and there are days when I just shut the door to my office and do nothing because I am so miserable. Today, I came home for lunch just so I could get away from the fuckery for a little while. I am also exhausted by my nagging little ailments and (physical) sickness. I am lonely and just want someone to help me and care for me and love me and it is pathetic and weak but I really just want to bury myself under the covers for a few months until this passes.

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January 21

I finally broke down and went to the doctor today. It was fine. My doctor is fine, if a bit chatty and a bit stingy with the meds. I have had a dry cough and trouble catching my breath for about a week. He said my chest/lungs sounded good and I do not have a fever. He prescribed me an antibiotic and some cough medicine, we will see if they work. I of course did not mention the pain in my side that never went away from last summer or that I've been stress eating or depressed because hey, why would I want to take advantage of my very good health insurance?

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January 20

Inauguration Day is a year from today. I hope, with all my heart, that the person putting their hand on the Bible at noon, January 20, 2021 is not Donald Trump. I do not know if it will happen, but if it does not, I really do think our country will be changed forever (and not in a good way).

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January 19

I took the day off from life today. I am not leaving the house, I am not doing anything, I am just staring at the TV and numbing myself.

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January 18

I am sick on top of sick. It is weird. I coasted through most of adulthood in very good health, like sure, a random cold here or s flu bug there, but by and large, from my 20s to early 40s, good health was something I took for granted. Over the last five years, it just feels like every few months, it is one thing of the other. Now, I have a dry cough and a catch in my breath that I think is either walking pneumonia or some dust I inhaled (construction is being done in my building). I even tried to get a doctor's appointment but my doctor's office was closed Friday afternoon because reasons? I will go next week if this keeps up even though I hate going to the doctor.

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January 17

Well, "the dizzies" are back. Came out of nowhere last night when I got home from work. The dizzies are something I started getting a few years ago. For a few days, or maybe a week, and out of nowhere, I will get dizzy if I bend down or lean over for more than a second or two. It's not great. The first time it happened I had a battery of tests that resolved precisely nothing. Since then, every few months, maybe a little longer, they come back and then go away. 

It seems like modern medicine is good at basic shit - you have the flu or a kidney stone or cancer, but you have random dizzy spells out of nowhere and they shoulder shrug emoji and can't give you an answer. 

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January 16

The nickname "Scary Lawyer Guy" does not have anything to do with the manner in which I practice law. In fact, I am a pretty amicable attorney. I do not get into pissing matches with opposing counsel or throw tantrums in front of judges. To be honest, the adversarial nature of litigation is my least favorite part of being a lawyer. I am far more comfortable working in the shadows, advising, counseling, explaining to clients how to get themselves out of messes of their own creation.

No, the nickname arose of all places, at my gym. When I first moved to New Jersey and joined a local gym, I began taking a variety of classes and over time, coalesced around a few that had a number of regulars. I did not talk much then (or now) but over time (like, literally years) I did get to know a few of my classmates (one of whom died tragically minutes after one of our classes, another story for another time) and learned that before they got to know me, they referred to me as "scary lawyer guy" because all they knew about me was 1) that I was a lawyer and 2) that I was really intense in class. So that is that story. 

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January 15

A funny thing happened last night. Usually, when I go upstairs, Ghost follows me up and plops himself down on the bed. Last night, for reasons that are only explicable to cats, Ghost was on the bed in one bedroom, Pumpkin was on the bed in one of the other bedrooms, and I was in the bedroom I sleep in. It was the closest it will ever be to how a family organizes itself as far as this house is concerned. It leavened my annoyance that someone in the neighborhood had kindly left a literal bag of dog shit in my driveway for me to discover when I got home from work. 

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January 14

Comedy Central basically runs old episodes of The Office on a loop. This weekend, a bunch of Season 3 episodes were on. I like this era of the show very much. One of the episodes is The Initiation. The A story is about Dwight and Ryan going on a sales call together, but part of the B story (or maybe it was the C story) is Jim's assimilation with the crew in Stamford. He calls the Scranton office after hours assuming he will get the automated system, but Pam is there and answers. After a moment or two of awkwardness (Jim had professed his love for her, and when she rejected him, he left town), they fall quickly into easy conversation that goes on and on.

I related strongly to this scene. After my ex-girlfriend and I broke up, or more accurately, after she dumped me, the Pam-Jim scenario above happened *a lot* because we still (sort of) worked together. She would call me or I would call her on what should have been a quick, 30 second matter and an hour later, the conversation would still be alive and well. When we would eventually hang up, I would think to myself "how does she not see this?" There was no one I enjoyed talking to more and she would literally shoo people out of her office if they interrupted her while we were talking. In the fictional world of The Office, Pam and Jim lived happily ever after. I am left with these bittersweet memories and a recognition there is no such thing as a Hollywood ending.

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January 13

I do not know if this is textbook-definition OCD, but I have this weird fetish about the cleanliness of my car. Not the entire car (though I do try to keep it clean), no, just the hatchback area. I hate when it is dirty. The feeling of road grit or water that has dried on the back bumper or dirtied the back windshield. I clean that area almost compulsively, like anytime it rains or, now that it is winter, the road grime that builds up. My neighbors probably think I am crazy.

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January 12

Nothing much to report today. It is unseasonably warm, which is nice. I went to my weekly boxing class this morning, which was also nice. I have to go back to work tomorrow, which is not so nice.

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January 11

I underestimated the value of children. One of the assistants in my office was out all week because one of her kids was sick. ALL WEEK. By way of comparison, all of last year I took a total of 9 hours of sick time. NINE. And yet, no one questions taking an entire week off to take care of a kid, but if you do not have a kid, you are just expected to limp into work every fucking day, no matter how shitty you feel physically (or mentally). Great system.

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January 10

It is Friday. This weekend the weather is supposed to be spring-like, high 60s both days. A nice treat. I try to think about getting through winter as making it to March 1st. Granted, March can be shitty, but sun angles and longer days make even those bad days (usually) not quite as bad. So, with above average temperatures through the end of next week, we have 45 days of possibly shitty winter weather before March starts. It seems manageable. 

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January 9

I turn 50 in 9 months. It is amazing how quickly time moves. 3 months goes by in the blink of an eye. All I do is waste time. It is life's most precious commodity and yet I squander it, every day. Days blend into weeks which blend into months which blend into years and before you know it, your entire life has gone by and you (and by you, I mean I) have ZERO to show for it. 

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January 8

Why do people keep their (outdoor) Christmas lights up well into January? Is it not enough that you get an entire month (at least) *before* Christmas to celebrate the birth of your lord and savior? Do you REALLY need another two weeks *after* Christmas too? I mean, I get a couple days after Christmas, maybe even up until New Year's, but that should be the cutoff. We do not live in a Christian theocracy (yet), you already get PLENTY of time for holiday cheer, take your fucking lights down.

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January 7

Elizabeth Wurtzel died today, she was 52. When I first saw the news, I assumed she had committed suicide in light of her history of mental health issues, but it turned out she died of breast cancer. I felt bad. I wrote a pretty scathing critique of a New York magazine cover she wrote a few years ago and now she is dead. The twin fears of suicide and cancer made it that much worse - I assume one of those is how I will meet my own fate.

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January 6

Sports are a funny thing. "Real men" idealize football as a battle of wills, a test of manhood, etc etc while mocking something like figure skating as an exhibition because judges make wonky decisions that reward the wrong contestants. And yet, last year, the Saints were screwed by a no call in the NFC Championship Game so egregious, the league changed the rules to address such a situation. Flash to yesterday, an exact situation the rule was intended to address - in a game the Saints were playing no less - is not used. How is that any different than the "East German judge" giving that 10 for a lousy routine. Like, if you hand the decision about who wins and who loses to referees (i.e. "judges") is there really any difference? 

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January 5

The Patriots lost last night. That pleased me. I am not as into sports as I was when I was younger, but it's enough with the Patriots. Like, EVERYONE outside of New England is rejoicing and no one will ever question Brady's greatness or the singular achievement of winning six titles in 19 years, but just go away. You cheated, you were underhanded, you exploited loopholes in the rule book. Your legacy is, let us just say, mixed. Your starting quarterback is a MAGA-hat wearing cyborg. Your head coach has been caught cheating, repeatedly. Your owner is a multi-billionaire who is so cheap he went to a jack shack not once but twice instead of finding a discreet escort who could have taken care of him in the privacy of his own home. And now, he's throwing high priced lawyers at the problem to keep the video of his jerk off sessions hidden from public view instead of admitting his guilt. But you had your run, your fans should be able to live the rest of their lives simply saying "scoreboard." Good bye.

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January 4

Not to be overly dramatic, but I think I am dying. I have had a pain in my side for months now and I am convinced it is a cancerous tumor, so that's fun. I know what you're saying - see a doctor. I did. I had a CT scan (he thought it was kidney stones) which did not show anything. Nevertheless, I have convinced myself that this pain will kill me. I know what else you are thinking - why don't you go back to your doctor. I should, but I feel like walking in there to complain about the same thing will make me look crazy. I know, it is weird - fearing looking silly instead of confirming this thing is not actually killing me is a weird way to do life, but that is part of what it is like to feel great anxiety and PTSD. So shut the fuck up.

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January 3

We killed an Iranian general named Soleimani last night. For the MAGA cult, this is a U-S-A, U-S-A moment that will make their fervid support of Trump even stronger. It reminds me a lot of Reagan, the idea of this Rambo President who takes no shit. I admit, I was surprised that Trump did this. I had him pegged as an all-talk-no-action type, but he escalated things considerably.

One of the reasons I named Rise and Kill First one of my two books of the year last year was because the author spent chapter after chapter examining what happens in the aftermath of an action like this. Usually, a targeted assassination does not have the hoped-for result, which is deescalation. What usually happens is the whole situation becomes more unstable, not less, largely because someone else bubbles up to take the deceased's place and partly because leaders take advantage of these escalations to further inflame the passions of the people. 

Of course, Trump is schooled in pro wrestling, where back in the 1980s it was easy to identify the heels - the Iron Sheik chanting IRAN NUMBER ONE makes for an easy foe while wrapping yourself in the red, white, and blue is always a smart decision. Politics does not do nuance, does not do analysis or long-term, it is sound bite driven and dumbed down. To question Trump, Republicans will say, is to question America itself (this worked to great effect after 9/11 too!) We are the infallible force for good in the world (according to them) so assassinating a general of a country we are not technically at war with is of no moment. 

I have no idea how this all works out. No one on TV does. No one in the Pentagon does. And sure as shit Trump does not, but I would bet a dollar he does not care. All he cares about today is that he will be greeted rapturously by his fans while his detractors hand wring. 

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January 2

Hi ho, hi ho, it is back to work I go. Ugh. I am dreading my first day back in the office. For one thing, I know I have to talk to my assistant. She is not great, but she has a connection in the office and therefore, has to be dealt with delicately and cannot be fired. I *hate* having to do this. She screws up basic stuff -- and is always apologetic -- but nevertheless. It is not helpful that my normal tone of voice is usually read by people as being hostile or antagonistic (and often it is). I fucking hate this.

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January 1

I was in bed last night at 9 p.m. I was up at midnight because some fuck nuts in my neighborhood thought it would be HILARIOUS to set off fireworks at that time. I am now the "get off my lawn" old person and was highly annoyed. Anyway, I fell back asleep and woke up around 5:30. I am going to the gym this morning (because I am that asshole) and will then spend the rest of the day on the couch, awaiting the return of anxiety, which went on vacation too, but will be back with a vengeance as I stress out about going to work tomorrow. 

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