Succession Power Rankings - What It Takes

This week on Succession … Logan makes a pick, Kenny takes a trip, and Greg makes new friends. And now, the Power Rankings:

1. Logan Roy (last week: 4): You do not spend fifty years on top of the heap without having a few tricks up your sleeve. The cruise line scandal torpedoed your acquisition of PGM and posed an existential threat not just to your control of the company, but your liberty as well. While your go to maneuver is bluster and a gruff “fuck off,” you are also not unfamiliar with the tactical retreat. And here, you played things brilliantly. You slowly but surely drew the family back into your orbit. You drowned the DOJ in a billion pages of document production knowing it will take them years to find anything. You pivoted your coverage of the President hoping he would call off the DOJ’s investigation. When the Raisin folded his tent, you got to take a lead role in picking his replacement. Now, your biggest concern is not another FBI raid, it is whether your ticker will hold up the next time you and Kerry go for a romp in the hay. 

2. Roman Roy (last week: 3): Last season, Naomi Pierce dismissed you as an out-of-your-depth neophyte who thought he could buy her family’s company like he was ordering dinner from Uber Eats. Your dad sent you packing to management training, where you slung kettle corn and had to pitch ideas like you were some normie trying to work his way up to middle management, but all that work is starting to pay dividends. You have polished your deal making skills under duress in Turkey, tip toed around the delicate work of crisis management as the cruise line scandal exploded, and were in the mix when the shareholder vote hung in the balance. You were paying close attention when your dad said he did not care about ideological purity in picking a presidential nominee, he simply wanted someone who gets it and pops on TV. And so, when Jeryd pinged your sadism g-spot with some flirty chat about summer camps with beatings, displayed a heterodoxy that is capacious enough to include Saint Thomas Aquinas and Travis Bickle, you saw his telegenic good looks and willingness to fight as the right fit for a new version of ATN heavy on e-girls taking drags off vape pens in between promoting conspiracy theories. Of course, you may think there is no price to pay when you expand the Overton Window to include neo-fascists with a Hitler fetish, but once you let that genie out of the bottle, it will be awfully hard to put it back in.

3. Jeryd Mencken (last week: NR): You came into the Freedom Forum Summit as a dark horse and walked out with the endorsement of a man you described as no longer relevant and his news channel as a pudding cup for nursing home residents largely because you seduced Logan’s youngest son into believing you can sell your racism and xenophobia as populist solutions for white people. What you might lack in traditional Republican policy positions you make up for in understanding the internal dynamics of the Roy family. Bring dad a Coke. Flirt with one of the kids. Show your fangs, but let them know you will play ball and voilà, the road to the White House is paved with sriracha, bone broth, and dick pills. 

4. Kerry Castellabate (last week: NR): The Power Rankings are not the morality police, so if you want to sleep with your boss, we say god bless. Just know that the heady air of corporate jets, horning in on meetings with high ranking government officials, and chiming in on important decisions has an expiration date and when it arrives, you are done. 

5. Shiv Roy: (last week: 2): You were in politics long enough to do a quick analysis of the men who would be king. Mencken? A YouTube provocateur. Boyer? Yesterday’s news who will get blown out on a change message. Connor? Yeah, no. So you tried to push Salgado as the best of a lousy bunch even though you actually think the political winds are blowing in the Democrats’ direction and ATN should pivot accordingly. But your instinct for compromise is out of step with your dad’s bull-in-the-china-shop way of doing business. You look for middle ground, he doubles down. Your consultant’s gig was dismissed as running a DC lemonade stand and your dad does not do gold stars, even if you did save the company. If you were not so deep in your own feels, you might even notice your husband is withering on the vine and an alternative play is one phone call to the self-styled puppet master away. 

6. Connor Roy: (last week: 5): Your hype man referred to you as a fighter with a brand name, a war chest, and populist appeal. Your siblings know you as the family dipshit who pisses away money on curios like Napoleon’s shriveled penis and pipe dreams like your fake girlfriend’s off-Broadway play. And yet, you were in a Final Four of sorts pitching yourself as a legitimate contender for leader of the free world. That European cable gig is a nice consolation prize and who knows, Willa might actually learn how to write while you are there. 

7. Cousin Greg(ory): (last week: 9): Your physical length allows you to reach, but suing Greenpeace for liking an internet comment about you is a bit much. We get it, obsessing over whether Ken is going to burn you has an icy grip on your innards and the idea of another man wiping his backside on your pillow case is not something any of us would want to think about. Here’s the thing, Greg. Your gramps told you to start taking yourself seriously, but all you keep doing is looking for ways to avoid responsibility.

8. Kendall Roy (last week: 10): If you put the same amount of effort into figuring out how to wrest control of the company from your dad as are you in planning your 40th birthday party, you might not be holding clandestine meetings at a greasy diner in the middle of the night and then acting like a jilted lover when a guy looking at prison time rebuffs your request that he switch sides. While your dad is playing kingmaker, holding court in his hotel suite for potential nominees for President of the United States, you are trying to get the family bottom feeders to flip via text message and looking quizzically at Tom’s fluency with the DD’s menu. That press conference looks more and more like a fleeting moment in the sun before your inevitable crash and burn. You are flailing around focusing on all the wrong things. There is no grand plan, just a guy who misses the irony in the historical references he cites, is more concerned about the guest list at his birthday bash then how it looks when he fires top notch legal talent, and has spent this entire season becoming less and less relevant. 

9. Lisa Arthur (last week: NR): You thought Ken wanted a lawyer who would give him wise counsel and help navigate the treacherous waters of negotiating an immunity deal, but he really wanted a DJ who takes requests. Your withering after action analysis of his interview with the DOJ revealed your legal acumen, but sharing it openly to someone with Ken’s level of insecurity suggests you do not read people nearly as well. 

10. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 7): We admire the attention to detail, Tom. You have done a deep dive into the prison blogs, learned the finer points of fermenting toilet wine, and you even retained your very own prison consultant. You are now taking things to a whole other level, getting invaluable tips like the barter value of mackerel tins and prepping your gastrointestinal system for the never ending diet of salty gym mats and camel’s labia that will clog your colon and make you pine for the biodynamic funk and earthy notes of that spätburgunder you and Shiv sampled in your hotel room. You have lost all hope, are letting baubles of corporate malfeasance dangle from your branches, and we are pretty sure Shiv will be looking for some stray cock while you are gone. Are you sure you do not want to wriggle? 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy. Willa. Ewan Roy. Gerri Kellman. Hugo Baker. Jess Jordan. Ron Petkus. Dave Boyer. Panhandle Pete. Maxim Pierce. The Freedom Forum Summit. Glyn, The Brexit Pervert. Caroline Collingwood. Peter Munion. Martin Van Boring. Zadie Smith. Chuck D. The Fuck Fuck Donkey Gang. Antibiotic Resistant Super Bugs. Plato. Hamilton, The Musical. Señor Dickless, Captain of the Tampa Bay Cuckaneers. Dr. Honk, The Man Who Could Talk To Cars. The Griddle Hero with Double Hash Browns (fully loaded) A Plain Waffle and A Large Glass of Room-Temperature Water.

Retired Janitors of Idaho 

Lion In The Meadow

The Disruption

Mass In Time Of War

Secession

Complete Season Two Power Rankings

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Succession Power Rankings - Retired Janitors Of Idaho

This week on Succession … Roman takes a call, Shiv cuts a deal, and Connor gets a job. And now, the Power Rankings:

1. Sandy Furness, Sandi Furness, and Stewy Houssani (last week: NR): Your financing was wobbly and your leader even more so, but you kept pushing and the other side kept folding. At the end of the day, you benefited from two things. First, you understood that while the shareholder vote was teeter-tottering, losing the family business was simply not a gamble the Roys were willing to make when their odds of winning were slightly worse than a coin flip. Second, you got a small bit of good luck. Logan is a worthy adversary who smelled something fishy in all the back and forth. After all, why agree to the same deal Stewy walked away from in Greece? But when he left the field, the terrain became more favorable. As Sandy and Stewy learned early on, the Roy kids are that unique combination of insecure, incompetent, and inexperienced, making them easy prey for savvier negotiators. By the time the old man came to and started grumbling to Shiv about the terms of the deal, it was too late. Is there another shoe to drop? Color us expectant. While nothing much in Ken’s performance suggested he is pulling many strings, that he is ready to serve up Greg to the DOJ suggests something else is afoot.

 

2. Shiv Roy (last week: 3): For someone who resisted coming into the family business for so long, you have certainly made your presence felt now that you are there. We cannot fault you for making concessions when the shareholder vote looked like it was going the wrong way. A leadership vacuum existed and you stepped in to fill it. Were you too cute by half in coughing up that fourth board seat in exchange for an extra one you expected would be yours? Perhaps, but that type of horse trading comes naturally to someone steeped in the grimy world of politics. You triaged a bad situation the best way you knew how, but inevitably, you came up short in your father’s eyes. Lots to mull over while Tom is waiting for you to fill his commissary card so he can load up on goodies from the kosher vending machines at the federal penitentiary in Otisville.

 

3. Roman Roy (last week: 5): We are not sure which compliment turned your head more, when Gerri called you Bootleg Logan or a visionary, either way, she sure has a weird way of flirting with you. Your concern for your father was a nice touch and you (mostly) kept your wits about you while the negotiations dragged on. We just have a hard time getting a handle on you, Roman. On the one hand, you are smart enough to know you can’t tell the President “blow me” but on the other, you will hand a cool mil to a formerly homeless man for the sole purpose of embarrassing your older brother. Pick a lane, dude.

 

4. Logan Roy (last week: 1): Your penchant for secrecy and compartmentalizing information stops making sense the moment you go from Master of the Universe to Piss Mad King of England. The inopportune timing of your collapse resulted in an agreement you knew you got chiseled on as soon as you were feeling better. That, plus the news that your pivot on the Raisin did not have its intended effect put you in a foul mood, but taking out your frustration on Shiv when you have no one to blame but yourself is a very bad look.

 

5. Connor Roy (last week: NR): For someone who flushed one hundred million American dollars down the toilet on a quixotic quest for the White House and nine tons of sand for his sugar baby’s failed off-Broadway play, you played this hand remarkably well. You had leverage and a reasonable ask. Instead of a no show gig at Gourmando and an eponymous wine tasting show, it’s off to Europe to polish your CV. Before you leave, you may want to do a quick check in with the Conn-Heads at the Institute For A Competitive America, just to let them know to keep their powder dry for your next run at the presidency.

 

6. Karl Muller (last week: NR): Every office has a Karl. You know, the guy who assiduously avoids doing the shit work like vamping in front of the shareholders while a deal is worked out only to elbow everyone out of the way to announce the good news when the deal is done. That you interrupted a video presentation featuring the three highest-ranking female executives at Waystar talking about how women are valued in the company was just the icing on the cake. Well played, sir.

 

7. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 9): There was a time not so long ago when life was pretty good. You have fond memories of that nature walk at Argestes and who could forget when your wife dangled a no-guilt threesome in front of your face? Unfortunately, it has pretty much been downhill since. That odor coming off you is not the aroma of fruit and ketchup you are experimenting with for your prison toilet wine, no, it is desperation. You feel it all slipping away – the cushy job, the chilled white wine, and most importantly, your marriage to a woman who has not only zoomed past you on the org chart but is totally creeped out that you are tracking her menstrual cycle to calculate the most opportune time to impregnate her with Baby Wamgsgans.

 

8. Greenpeace (last week: NR): Thanks to Greg’s fuck up (see below), you are in line for a $250 million bequest, just ignore the irony that your enrichment is due to the market value of a company whose leader your donor described as a “whore for the climate deniers.”

 

9. Cousin Greg(ory): (last week: 7): It is easy to forget that you were once the family black sheep, catching a buzz in your beat up old Subaru before bombing out of your first (and only day) of employment at a Waystar theme park.  But, as the saying goes, your eyes got too big for your stomach. You thought you were a player in this game of chess, but it turned out, you were simply a pawn that could be burned (by Ken), disinherited (by Ewan), and ignored (by Comfry). Grandpa Grumps is right, it is time to take yourself seriously, kid.

 

10. Kendall Roy (last week: 6): Speaking of someone we cannot take seriously … it is hard to look at you as some Machiavellian puppet master scheming from up on high in your eagle aerie when you might have accidentally killed your daughter’s pet rabbit and then tried to solve the problem by sending a doctor who treats people, not pets, to fix things. You could not even crash the shareholder meeting properly. Your mic got cut, your virtue signaling was met with crickets from the audience, and in a final bit of humiliation, you were left stranded in some dumpy windowless hotel room while your dad ghosted you. The only reason we have not bumped you off the Power Rankings is our perhaps (?) unrealistic belief that you are back channeling with your old college pal Stewy, the documents you turned over to DOJ are damaging, and Greg’s reevaluation of his position might get you back in the game.

 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy. Ewan Roy. Willa. Gerri Kellman. Shakespeare Frank. Hugo Baker. Karolina. Jess Jordan. Kerry. Roger Pugh. Cyd Peach. The Raisin. Michelle-Anne, the Pantsuit Barnacle. Maya. Sophie Roy. Bianca. Megathump. Comfry. The Tabasco Suppository. Belligerent Zucchini. The Sermon On The Marriott. What Moscow and Washington Are Thinking. 

Lion In The Meadow

The Disruption

Mass In Time Of War

Secession

Complete Season Two Power Rankings

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Succession Power Rankings - Lion In The Meadow

This week on Succession … Roman buys some photos, Greg has a drink, and Gerri goes on a date. And now, the Power Rankings:

 

1. Logan Roy (last week: 5): Like an old grandmaster you saw five moves ahead of everyone, moving your chess pieces around the board knowing the final outcome. While we focused on the shiny objects you were quietly suing for peace with Stewy and Sandy. When you needed to reel in Kendall, you had his godfather make the call and explain the way the world works. And when your overly eager daughter tried to ditch the kids table and muscle around two guys who were negotiating deals while she was still in diapers, you put her in her place. Could it all still blow up in your face? Sure, but you see the endgame in sight, some slaps on the wrist and a big payout, and the match ending the same way it started - with you in charge. 

 

2. Gerri Kellman (last week: 4): Logan may grudgingly acknowledge your talent but we here at the Power Rankings are big fans. Just a superb week for our acting CEO. On the professional front, you are working behind the scenes with Karl and Frank to make Stewy and Sandy disappear while simultaneously strategizing with Laurie between courses of your lunch date on the best way to handle your boss’s legal predicament. On the personal front, you told Roman in not so many words that he will need to look elsewhere to work out his sexual kinks, but if he gets past the disappointment you also imparted some exceptional advice when it comes to decision making in the Waystar Royco universe - “how does this advance my personal position?” 

 

3. Shiv Roy (last week: 3): You worked in politics long enough to know that there is a direct connection between being part of the decision making process and the power you wield. And so it is easy to understand why your wires got crossed with Logan. After all, you were the one sitting in the room strategizing with him and you were the one he gave marching orders – to flip ATN’s coverage of the President, make sure Connor is still on lockdown, and birddog the settlement negotiations. When the first task turned out to be slightly harder than you expected, owing to your husband’s sudden obsession with ancient Roman history, you went directly to the source and explained how things would be to Mark Ravenhead. When it came time to talk to Connor, you laughed off his request to be brought into the company for a little a résumé polishing and instead, offered him the chance to expound on his hyper decanting skills on a wine tasting show no one would watch. Connor may have dismissed you as playing post office stamping imaginary mail, but with everyone else in the fold, we doubt your dad is going to give him the sucky suck on his dicky dick he thinks he deserves. And when you saw Karl and Frank lollygagging, ketchup smudges on the settlement docs and seemingly in no hurry to resolve the non-disparagement clause, you got over your skis a bit. We do not take Logan’s reprimand that “everything everywhere is always moving forever” as anything other than a tough love life lesson, but you would be well served to appreciate that the shit shovelers in the office kind of know what they are doing. For now, if you get past the fact that your marriage is in shambles, you have compromised your ideals, and are now one of the public faces of a company embroiled in a major federal investigation, you put in a solid week at the office.

 

4. Josh Aaronson (last week: NR): Are you just some putz who got lucky at the casino one night? Maybe, but that 4 percent stake gives you the power to summon Logan and Kendall to your beachside mansion in Montauk for a meeting of the minds. Ken’s Go Joe pitch did not exactly blow you away and you really had to pull teeth to get Logan to say anything nice about his wayward number one son, but it seemed like you were ready to stick with the home team until Logan made that not-so-subtle coffee and bagel jab. You decided to fuck with the old man and wander around the brambles to see if his ticker could take it. When he finally tapped out, you had your answer (and revenge). As Kendall fumes in his private jet, you are bro hugging Stewy, already counting that three hundred fifty mil you expect to recoup once all this messiness is resolved.

 

5. Roman Roy (last week: 6): Every time we think about bumping you up a few rungs on the ladder, you have a performance like this which reminds us why we are reluctant to do so. We get it, your kink is humiliation, but it is just the flip side of the sadistic streak you show over and over again. The first time you offered someone a million dollars, it was the son of one of your dad’s servants, who you dangled that hefty payday in front of if he could hit a home run. When he got tagged out at home (by a mile) you took a bit too much pleasure in his failure. Now, another million is on offer to a formerly homeless man whose forehead you, Kendall, and the rest of his bachelor party posse used as a Post-It note fifteen years ago but you now see as a way to pile on your brother. Just not a good look and, as Gerri helpfully pointed out, not a way to advance your own position, except you are so hyped up at the idea she is dating an age-appropriate man, you cannot see the wisdom in her counsel. Our suggestion? See if Tabitha would be open to the eunuch besties arrangement you had last season and be your acceptable arm candy for public-facing social events. Behind closed doors, we get that you may need the frisson of being insulted by your actual boss, but since that window has closed, track down one of the many professionally trained dominatrixes in New York City who will gladly call you a slime puppy and tell you that you are worthless while you nut in the corner. You are clearly backed up, but once you have released the poison you might realize Gerri is trying to give you a hand (just not in the way you want her to).

 

6. Kendall Roy (last week: 2): When you are in your command pod surrounded by your entourage and a view of New York City most of us can only dream of, you see yourself as Techno Gatsby, a visionary who will leapfrog tech and turn Waystar into the information hub of the future. But the moment you bump up against the real world, you are Little Lord Fuckleroy, cosplaying your dad in a black baseball cap and upturned denim jacket, getting the polite brush off when you try to show Josh your vision for the company’s future and then told you need to shut down the outrage shop and lay down your arms. You see right through Logan’s lie to Josh that it really could be you one day and then have to shift into crisis mode when it looks like your dad is going to keel over in an anonymous spot in the Hamptons. Your allies have been compromised, Logan’s pressure campaign against the Raisin is threatening to derail any investigation, and even if it goes forward, he’s got an all-star team of ex-DOJ muckety mucks who will make it all go away, even if you have the goods to show he is implicated in the cruise line scandal. You overplayed your hand and now you are getting the blame for Logan’s near death experience to boot. You may need some quality father/son (Face) time with Iverson and that overfed rabbit while you consider next steps.

 

7. Cousin Greg(ory) (last week: 9): You were not quite the sturdy birdie you promised you were to Kendall. You had a little leverage, and that strong rum and coke Kerry poured stiffened your spine just enough to actually blurt out the words “what’s it worth” to one of the most powerful men in the world. It may be that the bright lights and big city - not to mention vetting Nazi-adjacent ATN hosts, testifying before Congress, and human foot stooling - have become too much for you. You would not be the first person New York City has chewed up, spit out, and sent back to middle America. Perhaps a mid-level gig at a theme park in Buffalo is more your speed, but I would not hold my breath that Comfry will join you out in the sticks, and when Roger Pugh finds out you signed that joint defense agreement, he is going to choke on his double black eye. 

 

8. Shakespeare Frank Vernon (last week: NR): We were beginning to worry, Frank. Perhaps you have been too busy boning up on the latest books on the New York Times bestseller list or you just wanted to avoid getting too close to the flames, but until now, you have spent this season as a quiet presence, lingering in the background without much to do. But when Logan needed someone he knew Ken would trust to explain the importance of locking down Josh’s support without suspecting he was being set up, you got off the bench, grabbed your bat, and hit it out of the park. 

 

9. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 8): Things have taken a very dark turn, (Terminal) Tom. It is bad enough you are spending your day comparing the relative merits of various federal correctional facilities and noodling over jailhouse moonshine recipes, but when your wife barges into your office and lords her power over you, it is no wonder you are feeling impotent and want to use Greg as a punching bag. And when you try to reassert yourself and tell Shiv that Ravenhead won’t go along with her request to go on the offensive against the Raisin, she just undermines you further by going over your head and making him do it anyway. We hope you enjoy that chilled glass of white wine (while you still can). 

 

10. Kerry (last week: NR): Being Logan’s personal assistant should come with hazard pay, but every now and again you get a small perk, like riding in the corporate jet and eavesdropping on a conversation as your boss has a good laugh listening to the President of these United States have a temper tantrum.

 

Not Ranked: Connor Roy. Willa. Marcia Roy. Hugo Baker. Karolina. Karl. Michelle-Anne, the Pantsuit Barnacle. Jess Jordan. Colin. Remy. Stewy. Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphilis). Sandi (with an “i”) Furness. Mark Ravenhead. Montgomery Clift. Henry Kissinger. Tattoo Man. Nero and Sporus. Gourmando. Kosher vending machines. The Sgt. Pepper of Broken Corporate America. Prison Blogs. Toilet Wine. Deep Fried Deck Shoes. Courtesy Pastries. The Westchester Judge Fuckers. 

 

The Disruption

Mass In Time Of War

Secession

Complete Season Two Power Rankings

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Succession Power Rankings - The Disruption

 This week on Succession … Kendall visits HQ, Roman does an interview, and Shiv gives a speech. And now … the Power Rankings:

 

1. The FBI (last week: NR): There are certain things you do not mess with. The coronavirus. Natural disasters. A search warrant from the Federal Bureau of Investigation. When you get Logan Roy to go from “tell them to fuck off” to “we are cooperating” faster than you can say “no real person involved” you will be rewarded with the top spot in the Power Rankings. 

 

2. Kendall Roy (last week: 2): How is your headspace now, Ken? The thing about living in a bubble of wealth and privilege that allows you to walk away scot free when you do everything from killing another human being to literally shitting in a bed is that you think you are untouchable. When you are cruising in your stretch limo like a kid at prom playing GOOD TWEET/BAD TWEET or get asked for your autograph before appearing on a talk show, prank your sister as she tries to rally the troops and give a keynote at the Committee for the Protection and Welfare of Journalists gala, you can gin up a lot of false bravado. You confuse being part of the conversation with being an object of ridicule. And when your ego is tissue thin, it does not take much to have it deflated. After your sister fillets you like a fish monger and Sophie Iwobi dismisses you as a jar of mayonnaise in a Prada suit, you are shell shocked and in need of help. So what are you doing near the top of the Power Rankings? Once you get past the shriveled up ball of insecurity crumpled in a heap looking like his dog just got shot, who would you rather be right now? Logan, with an army of blue jacketed FBI agents about to insert a probe up Waystar’s ass, or Ken, whose attorney is negotiating an immunity deal? Yes, the law is people and people are politics and it does not hurt when you can bend the ear of a senior White House aide at the snap of your fingers, but at the end of the day, the kidzzz may chuckle at Oedipussy, but the only consequence is snickering behind your back. If the feds decide to shut you down, it’s game over.  

 

3. Shiv Roy (last week: 5): We cannot say Ken did not have it coming. His crude dismissal of your teat-based value (girls count double!) after you rejected his proposal to team up did not sting any less after he apologized for it, but it was his little stunt that interrupted your first public appearance as a high-ranking Waystar official that caused you to go nuclear instead of just spitting in his day planner. After spending so many years in politics, your not-in-anger-but-in-sorrow open letter exposing all of Ken’s shortcomings was something you probably wrote in your sleep, but it did not make a lot of sense because your years in politics also made you skeptical of the story your dad tried to spin minimizing all the “salty moves” in the cruise line division. If your decision to do that oppo dump on Ken was the simple calculus of knowing each man’s flaws and deciding Logan was a better bet, you may end up being the busted flush. Ken may need Comfry to generate some good social media buzz to boost his spirits, but that is a far easier task than explaining away an FBI raid as a “move along, nothing to see here, folks” situation.

 

4. Gerri Kellman (last week: 3): It is too bad Logan has never seen you as anything other than a name on a piece of paper to use as a full chemical and biological hazard suit to protect his daughter through the shit storm because he might realize you actually know what you are doing. When you told him to cool it with the White House back channel, he went ahead and button holed Michelle-Anne anyway. When he refused to accept service of a subpoena, you tried to explain that is not how the game is played. When that decision resulted in a swarm of federales banging on the front door with a search warrant, you were proved correct. When he wanted Kendall handcuffed if he tried to enter the office, you counseled discretion – let Ken come in, ignore him, and let HR do what HR does instead of handing the DOJ a gas can. Again, he blew you off and instead of a seamless (and soulless) company town hall, Shiv got heckled off the stage by Nirvana blaring “RAPE ME” out of some surreptitiously placed speakers. If Logan treats you this way when you are right, what do you think is going to happen to you when you are wrong?  

 

5. Logan Roy (last week: 1): One nice thing about running a company Rhea Jarrell called a "dumpster fire pirate death ship" is you become adept at crisis management. You're back in the C suite strategically deploying your troops. Karolina and Hugo have pulled out the PR 101 playbook, sending Roman off for a soft focus interview and have teed up a full page ad ("We Get It" > "We Here For You"). Tom is doing the grimmier work of leaning on a potentially damaging witness and hey, you even tossed Gerri a small bone by signing off on that Israeli machine learning operation sale. But your most important assignment - neutralizing Ken - has been handed to your newly minted President of Domestic Operations, who you needed to do a hard sell on to convince your hands, while not entirely clean, are not covered in NRPI blood. And for most of the episode, things looked promising. Everyone did their somersaults for you, bending to your will and carrying out your orders. But you could not quite leave well enough alone. You did not take the hint contained in the strategic dead air from 1600 PA Avenue when Gerri called Michelle-Anne en route to Sarajevo and so, while your interests and the Raisin’s may be aligned, the folks in the Southern District are unamused.  

 

6. Roman Roy (last week: 4): Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. You may dismiss your older brother behind closed doors as an expert in self-destruction, but you are smart enough to know that putting your name on it publicly takes things to a place you are not comfortable going. There was no use getting in the middle of Shiv and Ken’s rock fight when you could score some easy points with the old man by repackaging a fond childhood memory you shared with Connor as one you shared with him. 

 

7. Sophie Iwobi (last week: NR): We are here for it, Sophie. ALL OF IT. Snitchy Rich. Caucasian Rich Brain. Wokestar Royco. Benedickhead Arnold. Paranoid Kendroid. There are few targets easier to hit than a rich white man who flashes gang signs outside Jean-Georges, so tell your writer’s room to empty the chamber of every sick burn they can came up with, knowing full well Roman will recycle each and every one at Thanksgiving dinner. 

 

8. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: NR): We sympathize, Tom. It is not fun being the last eunuch in the Forbidden City. You were a mid-western meat puppet who got seduced by the trappings of wealth afforded to you when you started dating the daughter of one of the most powerful men in the business world - the chartered jets, the chauffeured rides, the human foot stools - were all there for the taking. It was easy to ignore the obvious red flags, like when Bill handed you that air gapped computer with all the cruise line dirt on it or when your soon-to-be wife asked for an open marriage the night before your wedding, or the ease with which Logan was prepared to shitcan you in order to secure Nan Pierce’s agreement to the merger with PGM. Of course, the mess you are in is also mostly of your own making. You did melt like feta cheese in front of the U.S. Senate, you are witness tampering and you should not be surprised when you tell a lawyer about a theoretical John Doe division head who directed the destruction of incriminating documents that the lawyer does not see an ending where that theoretical John Doe does not end up in jail. Whether it was when Shiv agreed that falling on your sword and going to the clink would be a good move or Logan trying to convince you no one would actually end up there, it appears you finally wised up, are seeking independent counsel and perhaps a deal that will save your bacon.

 

9. Cousin Greg(ory) (last week: 8): We like you Greg, but the Power Rankings are not a popularity contest. There is an old saying in Texas that the only things you find in the middle of the road are yellow lines and dead armadillos, an axiom it appears you are proving true. Trying to keep one foot in Team Logan and one foot in Team Kendall is not going well. In the office, Tom is literally shoving you in a utility closet; after hours, you are getting dared into dropping coin you do not have on a watch you do not need. While you might be self-conscious about your wrists (in addition to your not-aesthetically pleasing toe nails) the feds will have a pair of handcuffs that fit just fine because you destroyed evidence and (may have) lied to Congress. 

 

10. Comfry (last week: NR): If you showed the same level of skill in prepping Ken for his media appearances as you did in getting Greg to relinquish forty thousand of his hard earned dollars, we might consider bumping you up a few notches in the Power Rankings. For now, your presence is largely due to a dearth of other options. Don’t get cozy.

 

Not Ranked: Connor Roy. Willa. Marcia Roy. Ewan Roy. Shakespeare Frank. Karolina. Hugo Baker. Lisa Arthur. Roger Pugh. Stewy. Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphilis). Sandi (with an “i”) Furness. Michelle-Anne, the Pantsuit Barnacle. Rex Hendon. Colin. Mondale the Dog. The shaved fennel salad. Blur Face and Who Cares. Rebooting Pinocchio. Nate. The Times New Roman Firing Squad. Fly fishing in Montana. Cyanide pills. Ugly rocks. Stalin. 

Mass In Time Of War

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Season Two Power Rankings

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