May 31

There's a scene in a season six episode of Mad Men (I was too lazy to look it up) when Don is watching the news on TV and its awful and horrible and he just shuts it off and curls into a ball, basically shutting out the world. That is how the last few days have felt and believe me, I understand sitting in a nice home in the New Jersey suburbs with a work-from-home job I am in no position to complain. BUT, as every reporter has now pointed out, 2020 is a combination of the 1918 Spanish Flu, the 1929 Great Depression, and the 1968 riots all wrapped into one. It is not a great time to be an American and there is no guarantee this has a happy ending. Trump could very easily be reelected and we could be dealing with four more years of his Mad King routine. I think that is the one thing lost on us. We are Americans, we always figure it out is just the working assumption, but what if this time *is* different? What if we *do not* figure it out? What if things do get worse not better. Every Republican Administration since Reagan has left a successfully worse country behind than the one they found, but this hole is exponentially worse - the coronavirus death toll, the new multi-trillion dollar budget deficit, and of course, the continued stain of racism that (shocker) did not magically go away just because Barack Obama was elected President. Dark times, folks.

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May 30

Dan Zak wrote a good piece in The Washington Post today. The first few paragraphs sum up the idea that although the pandemic is not over, Americans are over it. It has a very last-days-of-Rome vibe to it. We are no longer a nation that sacrifices or does without. Two months of quarantine and we want to go back to our ways - the summer barbecues, the trips to the beach, bar hopping - all the banalities of modern life. I read a lot of history books. One I read recently, The Splendid and the Vile, talks about England during the Blitz, when the Nazis basically tried to bomb the country into submission. Now *that* was sacrifice, but god forbid we are denied our inalienable right to dying our hair or eating a Big Mac. It is beyond stupid. 

Of course, when its written about in the press, the failures are elided, the idea that 100,000 people died is just taken as a given, not a preventable disaster. By the same token, the trillions shoveled into the economy could have been done differently and in a way that did not spike unemployment to well past 20 percent. And, there are things that could be done *now* that mitigate damage yet untold. But we are clearly no longer a deferred gratification nation, no, we will fight for our right to party in Lake of the Ozarks because hey, why worry about the risk I might pose to others even if *I* do not get sick and die? Trump has given up (if he ever cared) and governors have decided (or realized) that at this point, the best they can do is encourage the masks and social distancing and the hand washing, test who they can, and hope for the best because people want this to be over even if it is not. This is America in 2020.

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May 29

Well, my streak of good night's sleep stopped at two. I did not sleep well last night. The house was hot (though the basement was cool) and Ghost was acting weird, I'm worried he might be sick (though you would not know it from his appetite - he is GINORMOUS). I knew I was going to turn the AC on today, which I am anxious about (again, DON'T ASK) and go to the grocery store, which is now an anxiety inducing experience. I woke up around 3:45 and tossed and turned for an hour or so. Pumpkin came down to see what was going on. Once I got out of bed and the day started (the AC is running fine) I calmed down a bit.

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May 28

A good night's sleep is one of life's underrated joys. I have had two in a row (sleeping in the nice cool basement even as the "muggies" are starting to creep into New Jersey). You just get up and feel better, better able to tackle the day, clearer in thought, more positive in mindset. I know it won't last that long, my anxiety will kick in when I start running the central air conditioning (don't ask) and there will be nights the cats (or my bladder) will wake me up, but for today (and yesterday) I feel good.

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May 27

My favorite episodes of The Office:

1. Business School

2. The Dundies

3. A Benihana Christmas

4. Dinner Party

5. Booze Cruise

6. Casino Night

7. The Merger

8. Scott’s Tots

9. Night Out

10. Product Recall

11. Diversity Day

12. Murder

13. Ben Franklin

14. Business Trip

15 (tie). Broke & The Michael Scott Paper Company

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May 26

The Amy Cooper story has me mad. I won't be able to properly articulate the many reasons I am angered that a white woman asked to leash her dog as required by law thinks it is ok to call the cops on the person who makes the request and manufacture a LIE about being threatened by him. She is getting rightly dragged on social media, but for instances like this to mean anything, there needs to be some punishment. As Walter Sobchak said in Lebowski, AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE RULES AROUND HERE? 

Why isn't she being cited for making a false police report? Why is her employer dragging its feet on shitcanning her? These are not hard calls. True, the cops exercise discretion all the time - you were 20 miles over the speed limit and the cop writes you a ticket that you were only going 10 miles over the speed limit, or gives you a warning when you could have gotten a ticket - but what kind of message are we sending when a white woman can wield her privilege in this way. As others who have far more first hand experience than me have observed, a call like that can get the person against whom it is being made killed. A faux apology is just not enough. Decisions have consequences and the ones available against her are pretty obvious. 

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May 25

Memorial Day (or just another day in quarantine). There was an opinion piece in the New York Times today by a writer complaining about summer camps being closed. I have never read so much privileged garbage than during quarantine or parents openly writing about how annoying they find it to parent. I mean, read the room. You're an opinion writer for the most prestigious newspaper in America, do you think anyone gives two tiny shits that you can't have a maid clean your house or camp counselors to give you a reprieve? That you <gasp> have to COOK YOUR OWN MEALS. Oh, the horror!

I would like to think I have enough self-awareness to keep my privileged mouth shut right now. I get to work from home. I can afford the things I need. I have money saved if I lose my job. I can workout in my (finished) basement. Like, I've got it pretty good and sure, it would be nice to have a Five Guys burger or take a day trip to one of my favorite photography spots, but I cannot do that right now. And that is ok. Lots of people have it A LOT worse than me. 

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May 24

I struggle with whether it is better to do one BIG shop or two smaller shops. It is mostly about bulk - like, I go through A LOT of cat litter and loading up on it is a hassle under normal circumstances, but as I am trying to minimize my time in the grocery store, I really struggle with whether to do separate shops for my cats (I know, crazy cat dad) and me. Today, I opted for doing so. I loaded up on cat litter and cat food at Target. Plus, going on a weekend was good in the respect that I think it is important to get re-accustomed to public spaces with more density. I mean, I cannot live a hermit's life forever. 

So, I went to Target about 8:45 this morning. It was definitely busier than when I usually go, which is the same time, but on a weekday. Thankfully, everyone was wearing a mask and because I knew exactly where I was going and what I needed, I was in and out in less than 5 minutes. We will see how my normal shopping goes mid-week.

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May 23

I took a nap at like 8:30 this morning. Is there even a word for this? I did not sleep that well last night but I thought I had banked enough time to not fall asleep three hours after I woke up. Oh well. I was very alert for my GRIT class later this morning!

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May 22

Is it even Memorial Day weekend? The days really do just bleed into each other at this point. I did watch a decent social media meltdown. I cannot believe people do that. It is the worst combination of public performance and tantruming I can think of. Like, one, have a little self-respect and two, do you think it's going to matter? 

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May 21

Last night is what passes for just exactly perfect around here. I got into bed around 8:45 with Ghost tailing behind me. I read for about 15 minutes and after I turned out the light, Pumpkin hopped on the bed too. I was asleep a few minutes later. I woke up about 1:30 to pee but P & G did not stir. I got back into bed and fell back asleep to their low key snoring (which is adorable). I woke up again about 4:45. No cat fights, no cold sweats, no alarm clocks. Oh, and I had a dream about french fries, which was nice.

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May 20

I was thinking today how Memorial Day weekend is just a few days away. Ordinarily, I would be taking a week-long vacation around this time of year, but this year, what is the point? I'm working from home, so I don't have nearly the stress I ordinarily have and if I did take time off, all I would be doing is staying at home. I'm going to have a lot of vacation time for later this year, maybe I will just take the entire month of December off? 

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May 19

I am working out in my basement now. At first, it was weird - running 20 foot laps back and forth from one end to the other and then following along to a class on my computer screen, but I have come to be ok with it. It is not ideal, but it gets the job done. I think A LOT about what I am going to do with gyms open again. It is one of those places that is almost impossible to avoid germs and ~ respiratory droplets ~ and my gym has been nice enough to make these online classes I am now taking free of charge, which I assume will end once gyms are allowed to reopen. I may think about bailing on the gym and subscribing to the Les Mills program (which is the one my gym uses). It affords more flexibility for when I work out, eliminates the commute, and allows me to avoid interactions that might make me sick.

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May 18

I spent more time than normal on the phone today doing work-related stuff. A few chats extended beyond the business purpose and felt more like office chit chat, which was nice. All these horribly depressing blog posts notwithstanding, I am mostly content being at home all the time, but it is nice to get a little human contact. 

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May 17

I stayed up until almost 11 o'clock last night. I did not think I was capable of doing it, but a long afternoon nap probably helped. I watched Joker on HBO. It was the second time I had seen it and it is a tough movie to get through. There is a lot to criticize about the movie and a lot to laud, each of which has been done in equal parts by people who do that much better than I do. But beyond the gore and the subtle-as-a-sledgehammer messaging about everything from white male privilege to childhood trauma was this:

THE WORST THING ABOUT HAVING A MENTAL ILLNESS IS THAT PEOPLE EXPECT YOU TO ACT LIKE YOU DON’T HAVE ONE. 

That is something I think about a lot - I thought about a lot the first time I saw the movie some months ago. If you have anxiety or depression or PTS or even more serious (or chronic) conditions, you are still demonized in a way that no longer happens if your disability is physical. To be sure, it is not an excuse to put a pillow of your mother's face or stab a former co-worker in the head with a pair of scissors, BUT, the number of times I have sidestep conversations or duck out of things without revealing what I struggle with mentally is long and lengthy. There is no ~ conversation ~ to be had about this, it is just the reality of the world we live in. 

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May 16

After almost 15 years in this house, you would think I would know better than to do what I did last night. To wit, yesterday was the first really hot day in New Jersey this year. It topped out at about 85 degrees. In my house, that means the upstairs gets uncomfortable (even with cross breezes and ceiling fans) the main level remains comfortable, and the basement is unaffected (remaining about 65 degrees). Instead of doing what I knew I should do - sleeping in the basement, which is finished and has a queen size bed - I gave it a go upstairs. Sure enough, even with just a bed sheet, I tossed and turned, and while I did fall asleep, it was not a deep sleep and I ended up waking up at about 12:30 and trudging down to the basement for the rest of the night.

This morning, I went to Shop Rite. It was somewhat busy even at an early hour (6:45 AM) and I got in and out of there as quickly as possible. Everyone wore a mask (though there was a bit more talking among the workers than I would have liked). I won't have to go out again until Thursday. Even as the restrictions get lifted, I fully plan to stay in lock down as long (and as much) as possible. 

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May 14

I went to the doctor today (non-COVID related matter). It was surprisingly not that stressful. I was one of only 2 people in the waiting room (we socially distanced). Everyone (including me) was wearing a face mask. The nurses could not keep 6 feet distance, but did try to limit close contact. Even better (and surprisingly) my weight was 154 lbs. I thought it would be closer to 160 and my blood pressure was 120/84. The doctor said he thinks my back pain (both sides) is in fact back pain and not kidney pain as I feared because 1) I would not be getting kidney pain in both kidneys at the same time; 2) I winced when he palpitated the spots I pointed out, suggesting muscle tenderness; and 3) that I'm spending hours in a not-very ergonomic chair and laying on the couch a lot is not helping. He encouraged me to do back stretching exercises and try to move around a little more, focus on posture, and not hunch over. I hope he's right and am relieved as I was expecting much worse news.

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May 13

I finally broke down and made an appointment to see my doctor about this back (kidney?) pain I've had for the last week. I really debated whether to do it, but the pain has gotten to the point where I need to go. I've had kidney stones, and I do not think that this is it, of course, internet research suggests the options after that are not great, so, fingers crossed.

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May 12

I like sports. I grew up watching sports (and even playing a few). I am active. I like exercise. What is interesting to me is how we have realized sports are frivolous. Like, the NFL, MLB, NBA, etc are all multi-billion dollar businesses that if they went out of business tomorrow would adversely affect society precisely ZERO. Yes, people would lose their jobs, but in the big scheme of things, we don't need sports. I say this because it informs why both baseball and football are moving heaven and earth to underscore their necessity in society even as their relevance is nil. We survived without March Madness and Spring Training and I assume we will get by if the NFL does not come back either, but it will. As will baseball. As will college football. Why? Because there is too much money at stake. There is too great a risk to too many rich people that if the thing they have either made their fortunes on or took those fortunes and invested in this thing called sports was exposed as unnecessary, that would be bad for them. Meanwhile, states will lay off teachers and cops and sanitation workers but we will tune in every weekend to see Lamar Jackson and Pat Mahomes and we will gawk at Aaron Judge's home runs and Max Scherzer's strikeouts.

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May 11

I shaved this morning. I know, not exactly a newsworthy mention, but in quarantine, I will admit, my personal grooming has been a bit more casual than when I was going into the office every day. This is the first time in more than 20 years I have not had to put on a suit and tie every day and shave, so yes, I am taking advantage of it. Don't @ me.

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May 10

Do you remember the Seinfeld episode when Kramer got bullied for not wearing an AIDS ribbon during a fundraising walk? I was thinking about that episode yesterday as more "WE SUPPORT OUR FRONT LINE WORKERS" yard signs popped up in my neighborhood. Do you now? My neighbors, almost all of whom are working from home (or are stay at home mothers who don't work to begin with), have all their shit delivered by Amazon or Fresh Direct or Target, and outsource their yard work, house cleaning, and other menial labor to others, "support" our front line workers? Seriously. It is virtue signaling at its worst - the kind of empty gesture meant to make the person expressing it feel better about themselves while doing precisely nothing for the people to whom the support is expressed. 

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May 9

La La Land is back on HBO. I know, it is a quintessential "stuff white people" like kind of movie (in fact, there is a great line from the short-lived FOX TV show LA to Vegas where a black flight attendant tells a white flight attendant he did not like the movie because he "did not need Ryan Gosling to whitesplain jazz to me") but I still love it. Less so because I care anything about jazz (I don't) but rather in the small moments that beguile me. The quasi meet cute at the outdoor party, Mia, recognizing Sebastian as having brushed past her months before right after he got fired from his Christmas-season piano gig, but now slumming it in a cheesy 80s Brit Pop cover band (complete with key-tar and multi-zip leather jacket) requesting I Ran and watching him squirm through the first verse. Their banter afterwards, "I was curt ..." "Curt?" and the rest of their romance. 

It really is a rom com mixed with a musical with a dollop of drama. It captures the struggle that artists go through, the sacrifices we make for others thinking we are doing the right thing but not realizing what we are missing, how we often talk past each other and how our goals change. How we are often unkind to those we care about the most and how often that behavior is simply projection of our own insecurities. It is ironic that a movie that is a paean to Hollywood denies the thing we have come to expect - the Hollywood ending. The boy does not get the girl in the end. Each gets what they want (Mia, a fabulous movie career, a husband and a child; Sebastian, his jazz club) but they do not get each other. The alternate timeline montage at the end breaks my heart every time I watch it. The idea that there is some sliding door universe where Mia and Seb are together and parents and having an equally happy, albeit different future, is a poignant touch.

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May 8

When I go into the office now (which is rare) it is VERY early in the morning. Today, I pulled into our parking lot at 5:30 A.M. I just cannot cope with being around people now, so this is the compromise I make. I was out by about 8:00 A.M. just as a few folks were trickling in and that was totally fine. The one thing I have not been in need of in quarantine is human contact. If anything, I am more skittish around people now, so the fewer people I interact with (even ones I know!) the better. 

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May 7

Apropos of nothing, my 10 favorite Radiohead songs:

10. Jigsaw Falling Into Place

9. Packt Like Sardines In A Crushd Tin Box

8. Morning Bell/Amnesiac

7 (tie). Lucky

7 (tie). The Tourist

5. High and Dry

4. Where I End and You Begin

3. The National Anthem

2. How To Disappear Completely

1. Paranoid Android

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May 6

I did not expect to be running my fireplace in May, but here we are. The weather has been lousy for the last few days with highs in the 50s. Since I am basically locked inside 24/7, it can be easy to forget Memorial Day is three weeks away, but it would be nice to have some time between winter and summer.

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May 5

I have to say, the grocery shopping experience has improved significantly. For one, the shelves are much better stocked now. If anecdotal evidence means anything, the fact that there were name brand paper towels and toilet paper (albeit not in great amounts) on the shelves today suggests the supply chain has caught up and/or people are not doomsday shopping. At my grocery store today, everyone had some sort of face covering on and were generally deferential to the idea of social distancing. Don't get me wrong, I still moved as quickly as possible to get in and out, but my anxiety was lower. 

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May 4

I had a relatively good day today. Work was pretty steady for most of the day. It is an extra challenge navigating our office's system on my Mac, so I find myself emailing things back and forth and formatting is always a little wonky, but somehow I make it work.

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May 3

Martina Navratilova retweeted me yesterday. This is not a "flex" as the kids say, just an occasional reminder that leaves me shaking my head that the idea someone I watched on TV as a teenager is now within my (virtual) reach thanks to social media. I do not think teenage me would have understood the democratization of the world in this way. It is pretty cool. As is my practice, I keep quiet about such things (a few "blue check" journalists also follow me and I NEVER acknowledge it) because the other side of the coin is that I do not think you should be measured on twitter by your celebrity or follower count.

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May 2

My back is feeling better (three Aleve) but my kidneys are still in pain. Sometime, I really wish someone would just put a pillow over my head and end things. 

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May 1

I did not have a good day today. My body is rebelling against me. My back is tight and sore. I pulled a core muscle a week ago and it is still barking. It is exhausting before even dealing with the day-to-day stress of corona and working from home (which is not nearly as cushy as it sounds). Glad for the weekend.

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