This week on Succession … Ken gets a gift, Logan takes a trip, and Marcia rejoins the family. And now, the Power Rankings:
1. Logan Roy (last week: 4): To paraphrase your now out-of-favor number one son, your other kids saw his plan, and decided your plan was better. What is your plan, exactly? Who knows. You have survived so many crises your henchman have short hand references for them, and the state of play for this one looks remarkably better by the end of the episode than the depressing shot of you pawing at that wilted green salad midway through would have suggested. While you grudgingly coughed out a non-apology apology to Connor and went full Don Draper trying to win Betty back by telling Marcia you had been “distracted,” you can’t quite open your mouth to eat shit. Instead, you fell back on your core belief that money wins and poof, Marcia’s nest gets feathered, perhaps Connor’s sand problem goes away, and all of the sudden two potential land mines have been defused. But you also know that when you drop bombs, you can get burnt. Could you sink Kendall by revealing his role in the death of Andrew Dodds? Of course. But to do so would expose your own role in the cover up (not to mention encouraging Kendall to drop his own WMD - the documents that show your role in the cruise line scandal). For now, you are content in knowing Kendall helpfully handed Shiv and Roman all the intel on his plans and far from slinking back into the good old US of A, you strode triumphantly down the airstairs with a juicy new role for your only daughter and a how ya doin’ slugger greeting for your youngest son. Has the storm passed? Hardly, but the skies are starting to clear and you earned your return to the top of the list.
2. Kendall Roy (last week: 1): They say speed kills and we here at the Power Rankings admired your decapitation plan. Hit your dad when he is at his weakest: put up a united front with your three siblings, call for him to step aside, then hand him a revolver and show him to his office. Everyone, even Gerri, agreed that if you pulled it off, it would have been lights out. There was only one problem. None of your siblings bought into your vision for the company’s future. *You* may want to kill your dad, but your siblings are a bit more ambivalent about the whole patricide idea. Why would Shiv or Roman give up a chance to inherit the whole kingdom for a sphere of influence with you on top? Why would Connor tear up the credit line he hopes Logan will float him in order to back your coup attempt? Appealing to your siblings' better angels when you lie about needing to go hug your kids is not a solid foundation to build a strategic partnership, even if you think you possess the one truth. Now we admit, this version of Kendall struck us better than Cocaine Kendall from last week who was stepping all over his PR people, looking to his ex-wife to fill his bottomless well of need, and showing his belly to his new lawyers. Yes, you are still leaning a bit too heavily on the C-suite jargon (the spoiled milk, detoxifying the brand, the omni-national repositioning) and you are right - your father’s company is a rotten cabal, a dying empire within a dying empire, but can we pump the brakes on the Alexander the Great references? Save that shit for your TEDx talk, ok? When all was said and done, the cleansing you tried to convince your siblings was what the company needed was really a projection of your own desire to wash away the guilt you feel and the absolution you need for your own mistakes. Carpet bombing them with insults when they passed on your verbal slide deck was not a good look and taking out your frustration on Jess was even worse. You’re going to need thicker skin if you’re going to pull off this palace revolt because the terrain has shifted from blitzkrieg to trench warfare.
3. Gerri Kellman (last week: 2): If you are going to be a Pope with an asterisk, best memorialize that moment when your name crossed the ticker as the new CEO of Waystar Royco. Of course, your actions suggest you are not interested in being a mere figurehead. Offering Roman a spot on the quarterly earnings call did not turn his crank, but when you needed to seal his loyalty, explaining that open warfare before the board would guarantee only one thing - that he would not end up as CEO - before reminding him you are a dangerous enemy not to be fucked with, your slime puppy fell into place. With Logan back in the States and Shiv now hovering over your shoulder, putting more responsibility on your little dick (sort of) paramour may be a bridge too far. We shall see.
4. Roman Roy (last week: 5): A reassessment of you is in order, Roman. A Romaneissance has been taking place right under the Power Rankings’ noses and we missed it entirely. To be fair, for the better part of the first two seasons you were a fire hydrant spewing out cultural insensitivity and sperms and it was easy to get lost in your blizzard of insults, sick burns, and sexual peccadilloes. But something clicked while you, Jamie, and Karl were being held hostage in Turkey. You found your stride and you gained your father’s confidence. The early returns from Season Three look sort of promising. Your dismissal of Ken’s documents as fake or not real or who even cares showed a Logan-esque toughness; your scathing assessment of your older brother as a bitter fuck up who specializes in self-immolation was harsh, but spot on. Little do you know that Lisa Arthur thinks your proposal to stonewall a DOJ investigation is literally the worst idea in the world and Gerri demurred at your suggestion of an executive committee, but you were clear eyed and open about being your dad’s spy when you met with Ken and yet, he still spilled the tea on his plans in hopes of winning you over. Instead of joining the revolution, your apprenticeship with Gerri is about to begin and your star is on the rise with your mercurial father. Just know Shiv was not wrong, eventually you are going to need to fuck something.
5. Shiv Roy (last week: 7): For someone who came up in politics, we do not understand the waffling. On one level, we get your desire for plausible deniability. You want to be light on your feet so you can decide which horse to back. If that means sneaking a peek at the confidential docs Kendall claims to have and sussing out his ideas for a post-Logan world, so be it. But your wobbly loyalty only raises more questions. You are not honest enough to admit Ken called you on your shit - you do know he did the right thing, at least that is what you would have had Kira believe when you talked her out of testifying before Congress by telling her you wanted to kill the men who perpetrated the cruise line scandal. If it was all a big charade to prove your worth to your dad, Kendall is right (again), you’re not a good person. He is offering you a clean broom to go in and sweep up the mess that your dad left behind, the lone concession being you do not get to rule the kingdom. Instead of saying yes and starting a new era at Waystar, you accept what might end up being a suicide mission from a guy whose avatar on your phone is Saddam Hussein that will dump you into the heart of a shit storm he (and you) may not survive. Seems dumb.
6. Ewan Roy (last week: NR): You told Greg that your estate attorney Roger Pugh is “incredibly intransigent,” a description that could just as easily apply to you. In Dundee, you dismissed your brother as morally bankrupt, a whore for climate deniers, and possibly even worse than Hitler. Your regard for Kendall is not much higher. A self-regarding popinjay airing the family’s dirty laundry in public is your stinging assessment of the man who would be king. You have not lost your desire to tear down the institution that has padded your lifestyle and now, you may be able to use your pliable grandson as a wedge to do it.
7. Marcia Roy (last week: NR): Bonsoir, Marcia. Nice to have you back in the fold for the low low price of solidifying your position in the family trust, having your two kids taken care of, and your financial position “improved.” Leave the details to Celeste while you get in a few twists of the knife and silently gloat over the apology Logan (kind of) proffered.
8. Cousin Greg(ory): (last week: 3): Remember back at Argestes when you needed a bump of the old cocaine to boost your confidence in the presence of all those tech moguls and super models? Well, when everyone else is armoring up with $2000/hour lawyers, you need to do better than a 1L who is still learning proper citation format and has to text her professor for answers to basic legal questions if you are going to sit at the high roller table in this version of Game of Thrones. Grandpa Grumps might have hooked you up with a lawyer, but the likelihood he will take care of you is about as high as the chances you are going to avoid another visit to Congress.
9. Stewy Hosseini (last week: NR): The trojan horse was a nice touch. Ken is already offering you the same deal you turned down in Paxos and he is desperate for your support, the only question is how long you, Sir Sandy, and Sandi want to keep him dangling before cutting him loose. We only ask, are you sure this is all worth it?
10. Roger Pugh (last week: NR): We like the cut of your jib, sir. The rumpled demeanor, the messy office, the obscure references (hello, Charlie Babbage’s difference engine) gave your brief time on screen the same punch as that double black eye (strong filter, double espresso) you slurp to get yourself going in the morning. We are less sure you gave Greg the actual order of your priorities because Ewan is far less interested in Greg’s well being than he is in exposing the structural contradictions of capitalism as reified in the architecture of corporate America.
Not Ranked: Connor Roy. Tom Wamgsgans. Willa. Karl. Shakespeare Frank. Jess Jordan. Lisa Arthur. Hugo Baker. Karolina. Celeste. The Unbalanced Love Portfolio. Deli Sushi. Rava’s Dog Walker. Oliver Noonan. Leah. Operation Thumb Twiddle. The Old Stetson. Snake Linguini. 323 B.C. Arbuthnot Weiss. The Danish Cinnamon Things. Relevant Donuts (that we are 98% sure are not poisoned).
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