Previous Power Rankings
This week on Succession … Logan and Kendall go to Congress, Roman takes a trip, and Shiv visits a playground. And now, the Power Rankings:
1. Logan Roy (last week: 1): You are plausible and appealing even when you are lying. Karolina and Hugo drafted a great opening statement for your testimony in front of the Senate, not a single word of which was true. You sent off Roman to search for your white knight sovereign wealth fund savior while telling Rhea all was good in the world. This is what you do, this is who you are. But in that quiet moment when the ATN anchors are flooding the media bloodstream with your preferred spin and it looks like you are in the clear, you are honest enough with yourself (and your suddenly back-in-favor youngest child) to know that tossing a middle manager like Bill to the wolves will not be enough. No, you are about to go biblical, sacrificing your number one boy at the altar of public opinion to save yourself and avoid losing control of the company you have run for a half-century.
2. Shiv Roy (last week: 3): In the shitstorm of conflicting interests swirling around that hearing room, you knew just what to do. There was no saving your helpless husband from a verbal beatdown by your former boss, but that was just a sideshow. The real action was taking place behind the scenes. In D.C., everything is transactional. Gil did not accept Bill as the scalp to hang on his wall because he thought he had your dad over a barrel in the form of a second whistleblower who would put a human (and more importantly, female) face on the dirty dealings in the cruise line division. But you outmaneuvered Gil. It may have been soft skills lady duty shit work, but you wove a story with just the right amount of believability, earnestness and faux sincerity to a frightened witness who knew she was in over her head. Is that dinosaur cull you promised at Argestes going to happen? Probably not. But in that moment, when you needed to sell it to a vulnerable woman unsure of her next move, you made it sound believable.
3. Kendall Roy (last week: 4): Our number one boy has come a long way from that stuttering "dad's plan was better" appearance on TV at the beginning of the season. Then, Ken was still in shock over the life he had taken (not to mention the spa treatment that was so rudely interrupted). Now, he has the chops to go mano-a-mano with a candidate for President of the these United States and walk away with his head held high. Of course, they say no good deed goes unpunished, a lesson it appears he is about to learn. Kendall's reward for trying to clean up the cruise line division while he was in charge and then taking charge when Logan started to mumble incoherently during his testimony will be serving as the sacrificial lamb to the shareholders in order to put down Sandy and Stewie’s takeover attempt once and for all. But hey, at least Naomi showed up to support him. Better not mention you have been drowning in pussy Kendall, she will either be jealous or want phone numbers.
4. Roman Roy (last week: 6): People like you Roman. You are the kind of guy who can keep rich white men loose during a hostage situation, sorry, administrative action function, with a quick game of “fuck/marry/kill.” And while no one will mistake you for Vince Lombardi when it comes to giving pep talks to football players (football, soccer, do you even know the difference?) your dad got you hyped up enough to convince you that you can stick your little dick into the right hole and have $10 billion fall out of it. Assuming you make it out alive, you may be able to tell your dad you got laid, even if it had nothing to do with actually having sex. One step at a time.
5. Connor Roy (last week: 10): Just a steady week for our Don Quixote of Iowa, tilting at straw polls. Sometimes it is enough to be there for moral support and not-so-subtle fist pumps when your half-brother shish-kebobs a stuffed-shirt Senator while low key eyeballing the domain you wish to rule. If there is time, you might even duck into a Conn-Head meeting before flying back to New York hoping ticket sales for Willa's play have improved.
6. Gerri Killman (last week: not ranked): When the bear is chasing two people, you do not need to outrun the bear, just the other person it is chasing. For someone who everyone agrees is neck deep in the shit, you keep walking away smelling like a rose. From Boar on the Floor to the halls of Congress, nothing sticks to you. Now that you have escaped D.C. unscathed, it is time to go home, pour yourself a martini, and wonder why Roman has not called for his nightly verbal humiliation.
7. Rhea Jarrell (last week: 2): Well, it was fun while it lasted. You did not really believe you could seamlessly shift from being CEO of PGM to Waystar Royco, did you? Nan’s company is Shakespeare and star gazing. Logan’s is a dumpster fire pirate death ship constantly teetering on the edge of disaster. At your first meeting with Logan you told him you had a delicate tummy, making a joke that the one thing they eat at PGM is Pulitzer, but it was clear you had no stomach for doing the dirty work required to keep the good ship Fuck Off churning along. When it came time to put the screws to Kira, you begged off, and now you get to start a new chapter in your life working at a telephone company. Hey, it’s all gravy, right?
8. Gil Eavis (last week: not ranked): That brief moment in the sun when you worked Tom like a speedbag is providing this temporary return to the Power Rankings, but when it came time to tangle with Kendall and Shiv, you were the one knocked on your ass reaching for your mouthpiece. Instead of taking the easy win - a bad guy to pin the blame on (Bill) and covering fire from ATN, who would go after your political opponents, you did what you always do, you overreached. You are the kind of guy who thinks quoting Emerson makes you smart, but when the gloves came off, they had knives and you had a book on philosophy.
9. Cousin Greg(ory) (last week: 8): You fucked up the easiest game of "Let's Make A Deal" in history. Behind Door #1 was a quarter of a billion dollars. Let me repeat that. A. Quarter. Of. A. Billion. Dollars. All you had to do was quit your job vetting ATN on-air talent for Nazi sympathies and not spend your Thanksgiving shredding evidence of corporate malfeasance. That is it. Behind Door #2 was a misguided belief your Uncle Logan would protect you and not throw you overboard faster than you can say "no real person involved" when the world found out you hitched your wagon to a guy who emailed you "you can't make a tomlette without cracking a few greggs" 67 times. Sure, you are still in line to inherit $5 million when your sturdy grandpa finally passes on, but that kind of money will make you un poco loco Gregory. It is not enough to retire on, but too much to force you to work. Instead of a quarter bil, you are now the world's tallest dwarf, the weakest strongman at the circus.
10. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 9): You earned that pithy B+ (bad plus terrible) grade Frank tagged you with. Did you really think a lack of preparation was the reason why you melted under the hot lights of the Senate committee room like the smirking block of feta cheese The Atlantic said you were? If you were not married to the boss's daughter, you would have been banished from the Power Rankings long ago.
Not Ranked: Marcia Roy; Willa; Naomi Pierce; Don Grundham and the Conn-Heads at the Institute for a Competitive America; Bill Lockhart; Karolina; Hugo Baker; Jamie; Eduard; Hearts FC; Dave the Security Guard; Colin; Stewy; Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphilis); the Brightstar Cruise Line; the Florida Gang; Senator Roberts; Nate; the Great National Latrine; Sandy's Six Shell Companies; The Cruise Ship Dirty Sex Cover-Up Party; Kira; James Weissel; Tabitha; Karl.
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