Previous Power Rankings:
This week on Succession … The Roys visit England and Tom and Greg have a cookout … Now, the Power Rankings:
1. Logan Roy (last week: 2): After last week’s humiliation, Sandy and Stewy are throwing sand in your eye with a cheeky little video to the shareholders. It is time to hunker down. Your inbox is the size of Argentina, so let's cross a few things off the list:
- Item One: Bolster support with major shareholders. No problem. Your ex-wife has 3% (or is it 4%, who can remember the minor details?) of the voting shares and while you cannot so much as bribe her for her support, you can re-open your divorce settlement and drop an eight-figure present into her lap. Coughing up $20 million and forgoing Christmas with your kids instead of relinquishing your $150 million Hamptons getaway was not a tough call.
- Item Two: Withdraw the CEO offer to Shiv. “Dinosaur-gate” was the final straw in a series of moves that made you sour on naming your daughter as your successor. Luckily, you have a new hatchet woman close by who can make that problem go away.
- Item Three: Corral your wayward sons. If one is getting a bit too mouthy about your extra curricular activities, a quick trip to visit the family mourning the loss of the guy he killed should snuff out his insolence (not to mention his happiness). If the other is owed an apology for having had his face meet the back of your hand, you just feign ignorance - did you even make contact?
2. Rhea Jarrell (last week: 8): Like you told Shiv at Argestes, you’re easy come go, easy go, but you backed up your surgical deconstruction of the Roy children with a deft move that handed Logan some breathing room from his hard charging daughter. You did not rise to CEO of a major media corporation by being a mere hummingbird. You know that corporate intrigue is like the game of thrones, you win or you die. For now, you could not have sketched out a better second act than riding shotgun on the Waystar corporate jet while Logan tells you to put together a list of potential CEOs who (coincidentally) will be impressive but flawed, resulting in his defaulting to you as his logical heir.
3. Caroline Collingwood (last week: not ranked): Being the mom to three Roy children is … complicated. You may have threatened to withhold support in the proxy battle to screw over their father or simply squeeze the kids for a visit and a few extra zeroes in your bank account. Regardless, you can handle the easy parts of motherhood like Roman’s tepid negotiating tactics and at this point, guilting Shiv is second nature. At the end of a pleasant meal, you're $20 million richer and will be hosting the kids for Christmas (let's hope you use some of that newfound wealth to hire a chef). But when it comes to the thornier aspects of motherhood, you know, the inconvenient moments when all you want to do is sip some tea and crawl into bed but your eldest son is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and wants to unburden himself, you beg off, promising to pick things up in the morning before predictably bailing on doing even the bare minimum of parenting. Mother of the Year, folks.
4. Cousin Greg(ory) (last week: 6): Like Greg’s ascent within the Waystar empire, this elevation is probably not entirely earned. After all, inviting some like-minded millennials to your lux condo for a confab on ~ the next wave ~ cannot mask your utter ineptitude when it comes to covering up corporate malfeasance. Pro tip Greg, if you are going to foil the polyglot geniuses looking to crack your code, do not label the folder with the highly incriminating documents “secret” and do not blurt out the conspiracy while your iPhone is rolling without getting the target to admit his culpability. Make no mistake, the haircut was a nice touch, but the only reason you have clocked a new high on the Power Rankings is the utter incompetence of the people surrounding you.
5. Roman Roy (last week: 10): First, the pluses. Well, plus. You got about as close to an apology as you will ever get from your dad after he went Ike Turner on you at Argestes. The rest? Not so great. Gerri considered your Rock Star/Mole Woman pitch seriously right up until her bottom feeding oppo researchers unearthed allegations like “jerked off by your trainer” and “face tattoo," to which you claimed a foggy memory. Sure, Rome. To add insult to injury, your mom does not respect you enough to negotiate her pay off for supporting your dad in the proxy fight, but, like Greg, you are benefitting from your siblings’ almost pathological ability to step on rakes. Oh, and Rhea thinks you have potential. I am sure she is thinking of a nice spot in the Parks division where you and Brian, he of the promiscuous intellect and work hard, play easy vibe, can develop that killer VR concept.
6. Shiv Roy (last week: 4): You spent the entire episode playing a game you cannot win - "What Does My Dad Think?" That mission statement with the large fonts, generous spacing, and affirming quotes from Thomas Aquinas and Amelia Earhart might work among the idealists you are used to working for, but it's raw meat for the school of piranhas on the Good Ship Fuck Off. For someone steeped in the dirty business of politics, how your Spidey sense did not go off when Rhea floated your name as a possible replacement for her at Pierce suggests her pithy assessment of you - not as smart as she thinks she is - was right on the money. Instead of seeing Rhea’s offer for what it was, a hidden hand move by your dad to get you off his back, you walked right into her trap. Now you are treading water, hoping for a team up with your brothers to take her down.
7. (tie): Stephon Strauss and Kenneth Chen (last week: not ranked): Whatever report you two cough up will probably never see the light of day, but it would be unfair not to reward your efforts in making Tom squirm under the most basic of questioning.
9. Kendall Roy (last week: 3): Just when you spy a glimmer of sunlight, the dopamine high of successfully navigating the logistics of taking a dick pic for your equally damaged girlfriend, you opened your big mouth and told your dad you thought Rhea might be playing him for the fool. Bad move. Instead of spending the afternoon at the Regent's Park Zoo, starring in your own little Simon and Garfunkel song, your dad turns on you with a vengeance, forcing you to do a walk of shame right into the home of the poor young man whose life ended at your hand on the rainy night of your sister’s wedding. No words were needed. The shellshocked expression on your face said it all. And when you were finally ready to unload the months of shame, when you needed to come clean to the one person in this fucked up world you thought might listen - your mother - she could not be bothered. And so, you are left shoving a few thousand pounds through the mail slot in the middle of the night to assuage your guilt before you hop on the company Gulfstream, hipster beanie firmly affixed to your head, and the embryonic makings of a sibling partnership to rid the family of a foreign invader afoot.
10. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 5): In football terms, you are a 3-13 team trying to convince the fan base the playoffs are right around the corner. That flaccid presentation at Argestes may be the high point to your season. You walked into your interview with the Blanch and Partners interrogators expecting a bubble bath and some softballs; instead, they smacked you across the face with a 2x4. You may have treaded water with your “do not recall” and old lady bladder routine, but there is a very good chance you are being set up as the holder of this bag of shit. Your wife can't be bothered to pay you any attention and even worse, while you were refilling your lighter, Cousin Greg was rebooting his blackmail scheme against you. We (not) here for you, Tom.
Not Ranked: Marcia Roy; Connor Roy; Willa; Gerri Killman; Shakespeare Frank; Karolina; Hugo Baker; Kerry; Stewy; Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphillis); Tabitha; Naomi Pierce; Serge, the overly chatty pilot; Bill, the Big Sperm Whale; Edward's Hell Hole in Mayfair; Jack the Ulsterman; the Museum of Wartime Foods.
Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy
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