Monday, December 20, 2021

2021 Year In Books

1. Bag Man, Rachel Maddow

2. Wow, No Thank You. Samantha Irby

3. 150 Glimpses of the Beatles, Craig Brown

4. Midnight in Chernobyl, Adam Higgonbotham

5. A World Beneath the Sands, Toby Wilkerson

6. Dannemora, Charles Gardner

7. Hooked, Michael Moss

8. The Twelve Lives of Alfred Hitchcock, Edward White

9. Rock Me On The Water, Ronald Brownstein 

10. King Richard, Michael Dobbs 

11. Never A Dull Moment, David Hepworth 

12. Last Best Hope, George Packer

13. Spark, Claudia Kalb 

14. Names of New York, Joshua Jelly-Schapiro 

15. Americanon, Jess McHugh

16. More Bad Days in History, Michael Farquhar

17. Three Days at Camp David, Jeffrey Garten

18. Forget the Alamo, Chris Tomlinson, Jason Stanford, and William Burroughs

19. Everybody Lies, Seth Stephens-Davidowitz

20. Icepick Surgeon, Sam Kean

21. The Bad Guys Won, Jeff Pearlman

22. The Sack of Detroit, Kenneth Whyte 

23. World Travel, Anthony Bourdain and Laurie Woolever

24. Eight Days in May, Volker Ullrich

25. The Year 1000, Valerie Hansen

26. The Case of the Murderous Dr. Cream, Dean Jobb

Tuesday, December 14, 2021

Succession Power Rankings - All The Bells Say

This week on Succession, Caroline ties the knot, the kids plan a coup, and Tom makes a move. And now, the Power Rankings:

 

1. Logan Roy (last week: 1): You left Dundee all those years ago and arrived in an America smelling of gold and milk. You built a business empire through force of will, grit, and trusting that feeling in your bones to know when it was time to make a deal. You handed your kids a life of comfort and privilege and the thanks you get is a half-assed attempt to knock you off your throne because you have decided it is time to cash out from the casino. But you have seen them each up close and found them wanting. You have cleaned up Kendall’s shit, had enough of Shiv chirping in your ear, and are aghast at Roman’s fear of pussy. You may love them in your own twisted way, but you resent them nonetheless. You built your pile of cash, let them go out and make their own. So you do what you always do and play musical chairs. Roman was in, now he’s out. Gerri was out, now she’s in. You put your trust in the seasoned pros who have helped you steer the Good Ship Fuck Off for decades even though you are jumping in a lifeboat and leaving them to tread water. And while the kids got wind of your plans, you had an ace up your sleeve. Having promised Tom you would not forget his offer to take the fall in the cruise line scandal, he hands you a crucial piece of intel to deploy the two word business philosophy you explained to Nan all the way back at Tern Haven – MONEY WINS. You give your second ex-wife (another) payout and suddenly your kids, who came in guns blazing, are holding sausages instead. Now all that’s left for you to do is sign on the dotted line, take that five billion Matsson is ready to give you, and fuck off to a comfortable retirement

 

2. Lukas Matsson (last week: 2): You are a Wall Street darling and your company’s valuation is a rocket ship while Logan’s is a sinking balloon. You caught our hairy old newsman at just the right moment. He is displeased with his children, concerned for his company’s future, and his eye is wandering. After a season of fighting off the DOJ, vetting fascist-adjacent politicians, and swallowing a deal Shiv negotiated with Sandy, Sandi, and Stewy, Logan is in a contemplative mood and in need of a nice ego stroke. So, when you kiss his ring, call him bulletproof, offer him some goodies that will allow him to maintain his dignity and not look small (not to mention five billion American dollars), the fact that you are going to shitcan his entire brain trust does not even phase him.   

 

3. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 10): It turned out you did not want to be the last eunuch in the Forbidden City. Those late nights reading Roman history really paid off! Perhaps you will never achieve the exalted title of emperor like Nero, but the broader message sunk in. You spent this season watching your wife zoom past you on the org chart while she humiliated you behind closed doors. When the best she could offer was a position somewhere “high” in the-post Logan version of Waystar, you decided it was time to flip and make sure Logan kept that “never gets fucked” streak going. You even dolled up your own Sporus to come along for the ride.  

 

4. Cousin Greg(ory) (last week: 7): The Power Rankings appreciate that you finally verbalized what you had already made clear – you have no soul. At the end of last season, you handed Ken the hot docs you thought would bring down Logan. At the end of this season, you are making a deal with that same devil. And we get it, when Tom offers you a ticket out of the endless middle to the bottom of the top with 20 Gregs of your own, that perch at Brightstar Buffalo does not look quite as enticing and betting your future on a woman eighth in line to the throne of a country roughly the size of Logan’s Summer Palace seems thin too. But let us stop pretending you are some bumbling fool and not a scheming ladder climber like the rest of the family.

 

5. Kerry Castellbate (last week: NR): With Logan downing that maca root to improve the motility of his baby batter, your future looks more and more secure: incubate precisely one bastard Roy and then let the hired help deal with the dirty diapers your offspring (or 80-year-old sugar daddy) soil while you never work another day in your life.

 

6. Caroline Collingwood (last week: 4): Well, you can pretty much forget about having any relationship with your children after you made them watch you fuck their father in front of them for a nest egg that will feather your golden years and gave your seat sniffing husband a leg up. We hope it was worth it!

 

7. Connor Roy (last week: 6): Your siblings dismiss you as an afterthought but this may be one time when that works to your advantage. Instead of being dragged into their cabal, your hands are clean, they are on the outs with the old man, and you are suddenly the last child standing (unless Logan adopts Tom or decides his love child with Kerry deserves a cut of your inheritance). Meanwhile, enjoy the ten years Roman thinks you have left married to a woman whose attitude toward being your wife is “fuck it, how bad can it be?”

 

T-8. Kendall Roy, Shiv Roy and Roman Roy (last week: 9, 3, and 5): After Rhea met you three last season, her assessment was spot on. Ken? Has all the shots but does not know how to play them. Shiv? Thinks she is smarter than she is. Roman? Could be good, but not ready yet. Where is the lie, as the kids say on the Internet? Ken had the initial idea to buy GoJo and a vision for Waystar’s future not dissimilar to the one Lukas sold Logan on but no one – Josh Aaronson, his siblings, or his father – believed he was the guy to make it happen. Shiv stepped into the breach when Logan fell ill to end the takeover attempt but did not see that humiliating her husband might backfire. Roman spent a lot of time this season improving his business acumen but could not resist juvenile hijinks like buying Tattoo Guy’s photos or sending dick pics to the company’s interim CEO. You belatedly realized that the best way to ensure you run the company was to work together instead of trying to undermine each other’s positions – a pitch Ken made earlier this season but was summarily rejected. But while you each took an enormous loss when Logan flipped his cards over to reveal his better hand, you also got something you needed that might just steel your spines for the fight ahead. Kendall was finally able to unburden his guilt and in doing so, unlock the explanation for his moribund state and get his head back in the game. Shiv needed a comeuppance for her glib dismissals of her husband and a-bit-harsher-than-it-needed-to-be wedding toast of her mother. Roman saw up close and personal the lesson that Ken and Shiv already learned, that trusting the old man is a fool’s errand. Your father sees you as feckless and weak, having never had to earn anything in your lives, but now that all-out war has been declared, we are going to see how you three do when the bullets start flying.

 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy. Iverson Roy. Sophie Roy. Gerri Kellman. Shakespeare Frank Vernon. Karl Muller. Willa Ferreyra. Comfry Pellits. The Bigot Spigot. Peter Munion. Larry Vansitart. Waiting Three Quarters of an Hour for a Gin and Tonic. 


Chiantishire 

Too Much Birthday 

What It Takes

Retired Janitors of Idaho 

Lion In The Meadow

The Disruption

Mass In Time Of War

Secession

Complete Season Two Power Rankings

Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Succession Power Rankings - Chiantishire

This week on Succession … Ken takes a dip, Roman sends a pic, and Shiv smokes a cig. And now, the Power Rankings:

 

1. Logan Roy (last week: 1): You can knock out any boxer but clowns are a different story. You do not negotiate via emoji and you need to know if Matsson is just some run of the mill social media panty flasher or a serious businessman. And while Roman reassured you he was the latter and not the former, his accidental text is now giving you second thoughts. You know things and you have been able to turn a buck for half-a-century by trusting your gut, but your radar is now unreliable. And in that moment, maybe a deeper reality hit you. For all your business acumen, all the musings about life being a number on a piece of paper or a knife fight in the mud, you cannot avoid the fact that you created four defective humans who watched you treat marriage as transactional, the law as irrelevant, and people as disposable. Is it any wonder you have reaped this whirlwind? You have three sons. The eldest is embarrassing himself by proposing marriage to his rent-a-girlfriend. The middle one drove a car off a bridge and left a young man to die. The youngest is sending pictures of his penis to your interim CEO. Your lone daughter is so damaged she thinks it is funny to ridicule her husband for the sin of loving her even though she does not love him. So, when you put your faith in these broken toys to give you business advice, do not complain about cleaning up dirty diapers when you never taught them how to wipe their own asses.

 

2. Lukas Matsson (last week: 3): You are at a level of wealth that requires someone to take a plane, helicopter, car, and boat just to see you and can afford to buy every mattress on Earth to figure out which one feels best on your body, and yet you possess that special flavor of Swedish ennui that manifests in shit posting on Twitter and sleeping on a mat instead. Do you really want this deal or are you just fucking with the old man to see if teasing him arouses any feeling in your deadened soul?

 

3. Siobhan Roy (last week: 6): Mother/Daughter relationships can be complicated and yours is no different. But if you look past the casual cruelty in Caroline telling you that motherhood might not be your jam, her observations about the family dynamics were spot on. For one, you inherited your father’s sadistic streak. After all, what is Tom but a dog you keep kicking to see if he will come back? You asked for an open marriage on the eve of your wedding. You encouraged him to let your dad know he was willing to go to jail if it would make the cruise line scandal go away and then rolled your eyes into the back of your head every time he tried to vent about his fear of prison. If all that was not enough, you are toying with his desire for children, kicking the can down the road like a minor work issue you would prefer to deal with at a later date. For another, you do tend to get your way. Sure, you have been on the outside looking in as Roman led the GoJo acquisition, but you pounced as soon as he sent that wayward dick pic, telling your dad Roman has a problem and submarining Gerri for good measure. You suddenly look like the safe option as Logan considers his next move.

 

4. Caroline Collingwood and Peter Munion (last week: NR): The marriage of a woman who told her only daughter she would make a lousy mother and a man who specializes in making a profit off old age homes by firing nurses is truly a match made in heaven. Caroline fears a dotage living off macaroni and memorial services (never mind the eight figure freshener Logan gave her last season) and Peter needs a steady stream of revenue for the ex-wives, child support, and shell companies he juggles while trying to avoid a fourth bankruptcy. It turns out there is a lid for every pot.

 

5. Roman Roy (last week: 2): We are reluctant to drop you too far down the Power Rankings if only because it is Gerri, not you, who will suffer the worst consequences of your texting faux pas. The hired help can always be fired, but you are family. You may be right to fume and try to shrug it all off as harmless shenanigans. I mean, is Logan a hypocrite by labeling your desire for an older woman “disgusting” but his dalliance with a much younger woman totally acceptable? Of course. Should Gerri fear for her job when Logan told you he does not want her hanging around like frozen piss? Also yes. For now, you are just going to have to take your lumps, hope your dad does not second guess every piece of advice you have given him this season and try to get the GoJo merger over the finish line.

 

6. Connor Roy and Willa Ferreyra (last week: 5 and 9): When this whole thing was just your routine ~ mutually beneficial arrangement ~ where Connor got some appealing eye candy (and what was surely unenthusiastic (and sporadic) sex) and Willa got a deep pocket to fund her dream of becoming a playwright, you could pretend you were not using each other for your own selfish purposes. But when you decide to make a run for President of these United States, a much different reality sets in. The Power Rankings believe that what happens between two or more consenting adults behind closed doors is no one else’s business, but the click bait merchants at Politico are not as libertine and want to do some basic vetting on a potential future First Lady. Putting a ring on it will not legitimize Willa’s murky past and she is smart enough to know that when it comes to your sugar hustle, discretion is always the better part of valor.

 

7. Cousin Greg(ory) (last week: 7): They say a man is only as loyal as his options, but that $40,000 time piece on your wrist is not a substitute for the game needed to flirt with another woman while your girlfriend lingers nearby. We are not unimpressed with your shamelessness Greg, but if you are going to reconsider your dating options every time “phone stuff” pops up for a woman under the age of 35 in today’s world, you are going to be a lonely man.

 

8. Gerri Kellman (last week: NR): Way back in Season Two, we noted our concern over the risk you were taking in helping Roman work through his kinks. And yes, we know you found yourself a solid (if stolid) age appropriate ~ companion ~ in Laurie and told Roman time and again that he needed to get his nut elsewhere. But you have worked for the Roys for long enough to know that they do not follow the rules and now you see exactly how messy things can get. The color draining from your face as Shiv gave you that little lecture on the sidelines of the banker meeting was an obvious tell it might be time to update the old résumé. For someone with a unique ability to avoid stepping on land mines, you walked right into this one.

 

9. Kendall Roy (last week: 10): You arrived in Tuscany with a fresh new buzz cut, a swagger in your step, and a plan to take your dad up on his offer to CASH OUT AND FUCK OFF with two billion (and a chunky asset) for your troubles. But like most situations in your life, your confidence was eggshell-thin and chipped away at from the moment you arrived. First, it was your mom telling you politely to make yourself scarce so as not to be in the presence of your father. Then, your PR flack mentioned some two-bit podcasting Woodward and Bernstein who are sniffing around the family’s dirty laundry and might discover how Andrew Dodds really died. Next, your younger brother physically blocked you from approaching Logan and acted as a half-assed intermediary for your one-on-one dinner. Finally, your small gesture of contacting Logan’s doctor to make sure your chef prepared a meal keeping with his dietary restrictions was met with suspicion, with Logan using your own son as a food taster to make sure you did not try to poison him. So it is no wonder that after all those body blows a cri de coeur spilled out of you about the world being corrupt and your dad being evil and monetizing black bile for silver dollars. While you belatedly realized you were no knight in shining armor, when you tried to get up on your high horse and claim you are better than your dad, he knocked you on your ass with a quick reminder of the blood you have on your hands. And now, it looks like you have reached the end of the road, resigned to a similar fate as that poor waiter, fished out of the bottom of a pool instead of a creek, another in a long list of rich scions who met untimely ends.

 

10. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 8): Just when things were getting back to normal, when you could tease Greg about being a thirsty man criticizing the mineral water and delete all those prison blog bookmarks, a bit of dirty talk in Sex Vegas has you shook because it confirmed a thing you have long suspected – YOUR WIFE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, TOM. The stuff you want out of a marriage – mutual support, love, kindness, a family – are just simply not on offer, so the choice is yours: stick around and revel in the lifestyle afforded to you by dint of being married to a Roy child but suffer constant emotional abuse or pull the plug and go back to farm country.

 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy. Iverson Roy. Sophie Roy. Shakespeare Frank. Hugo Baker. Karolina. Karl Muller. Maxim Pierce. Comfry Pellits. 


Too Much Birthday 

What It Takes

Retired Janitors of Idaho 

Lion In The Meadow

The Disruption

Mass In Time Of War

Secession

Complete Season Two Power Rankings


Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Succession Power Rankings - Too Much Birthday

This week on Succession … Ken sings a song, Shiv cuts a rug, and Tom does some drugs. And now, the Power Rankings:

1. Logan Roy (last week: 1): Your return to the helm of the Good Ship Fuck Off is, for all intents and purposes, complete. There are just two loose ends to tie up: a not insubstantial check to the U.S. Treasury to make the cruise line scandal go away once and for all and a much larger one for your now-shunned number one son to do the same thing.

 

2. Roman Roy (last week: 2): You are, as the kids say, smelling yourself. The buzz from your bravura performance at the Future Freedom Summit had not worn off before your dad looped you into a side deal to buy out Kendall and get him to fuck off from the family business. So it is not surprising that you thought your Bootleg Logan shtick would work when you leveraged your way into some one-on-one time with Lukas Matsson and assured him that an acquisition by Waystar would still give him free reign to work wherever he wanted while dealing with you and not the old man. But you may have misread the situation. When someone asks when you expect your father to die and then literally pisses on your company’s phone app, you might be confusing flirtation with disdain.

 

3. Lukas Matsson (last week: NR): It is nice to be wanted. You get access to the VIP section at exclusive parties. Your every whim, be it privacy, pussy, or pasta is taken care of. You can demand your suitor’s competing app be burned and their servers dunked in an acid bath. And at the end of the night, once you have relieved yourself on Roman’s phone, you can keep your options open, simply agreeing to a meeting without any guarantee you would sell GoJo to Logan.

 

4. Comfry Pellits: (last week: NR): You long ago realized Ken was not going to be an ally for female empowerment, yet you kept cashing that check even as you had a ringside seat to his self-immolation. But the final straw for you was not his ill-advised decision to appear on The Disruption, branding his birthday party by name checking the post-World War I German government that preceded the Nazi takeover, or even his plan to hoist himself up on a cross to do an ironic karaoke version of Billy Joel’s Honesty, no, your breaking point was a much more pedestrian concern familiar to any New Yorker – square footage. You are going to spend the next month on eBay selling off that floor-to-ceiling collection of 1980s lunchboxes that are sucking up all your living space so there is room for you and your (freakishly tall) boyfriend to bang.

 

5. Connor Roy (last week: 6): You lost that Norwegian wool coat at a fusion restaurant in Vancouver so IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR COAT ON, YOU ARE GOING TO KEEP YOUR GODDAMN COAT ON, GOT IT? But please Connor, you are at one percent in the polls. Maybe pump the brakes on the exuberant celebrations until you have won something, no?

 

6. Shiv Roy (last week: 5): Working in politics offered you the best of both worlds. You could benefit from the wealth generated by your father’s company without compromising your liberal ideals. But when forced to choose between an uncertain path to the White House with Gil Eavis and the possibility of running the family business, you chose door number two, threw in your lot with a gang that will send goons to stalk your niece, nephew, and their nanny, and have been erasing and redrawing the line of what you are willing to do ever since. You explained away the cruise line scandal as some bad acts by some bad apples long ago. You leaned on a victim whose confidence was wobbly so she would not testify publicly and torpedo Waystar for good. You torched Ken in an open letter, airing his dirty laundry in public for all to see. You even stood in a photo with a guy you dismissed as a wannabe fascist who would lead the country into a Russian Berlusconied Brazilian Fuck Pile because your dad told you to. And for all that (not to mention cutting that last minute deal with Sandy, Sandi, and Stewy to save the company) the thanks you get is the man club getting together and telling you to grab your knitting needles and have a seat in the corner. With Tom in the clear, you can’t even get some strange on the side. Tough week, Siobhan.

 

7. Cousin Greg(ory): (last week: 7): Perhaps Ewan was wrong. Maybe your life is a bagatelle because no matter how badly you fuck up, nothing seems to stick. Beneath the clumsy exterior and the awkward delivery, you are a human tapeworm who has fed on the Roy family (quite successfully!) while avoiding any accountability for your actions and yet, you are not going to prison and even though Ken tried to erect a church/state separation between his employee and your love life, you bagged yourself a drinks date with his do-it-all press flack.

 

8. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 10): Had your week ended with that meme-worthy release of pure joy at finding out you would not be the trout Logan had to clonk on the head and send up the river, you might have found yourself a bit higher in this week’s rankings. But you committed a classic party foul and messed up the sequence of your illegal drug consumption, turning your happiness into surliness and ruining what should have been a good time. Stick to that chilled glass of white wine after work and steer clear of the nose candy, ok Tom?

 

9. Willa Ferreyra (last week: NR): Dressing down Comfry when she got a bit too pushy and telling her to put some respect on your man’s name because he is running for President of the United States goes beyond standard sugar baby duties, but we liked it nonetheless. 

 

10. Kendall Roy (last week: 8): The Power Rankings did not grow up around money so perhaps our reaction to being handed a birthday card that effectively had a $2 billion check inside it would have been slightly different. But we get it. All that money cannot fill the Logan-sized hole in your heart because money has brought you no happiness. All you have ever wanted is your father’s approval and his curt message – CASH OUT AND FUCK OFF – along with a sterile one-page term sheet sends you out on an iceberg, forever removed from the family business. So your anger is understandable as you wade through a mountain of birthday presents you do not care about, slag your girlfriend for her lousy birthday present, and pull the plug on your ridiculous performance. When you first met Naomi at Tern Haven, it was you pitching her on the idea that taking the money Waystar offered would allow her to be free of the family business and start anew. Now, offered the same opportunity, you see betrayal, not liberation. Her assessment of you that first night appears more and more trenchant – a little nothing. You are just a broken boy curled up in his A-Team sleeping bag, hoping someone will make everything better.

 

 

Not Ranked: Marcia. Rava. Gerri Kellman. Hugo Baker. Karolina. Shakespeare Frank. Kerry. The Tiny Wu-Tang Clan. Shitty Jesus. Reece. Barry Schneider. The StarGo App. He-Man Lunch Boxes. 


What It Takes

Retired Janitors of Idaho 

Lion In The Meadow

The Disruption

Mass In Time Of War

Secession

Complete Season Two Power Rankings


Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy

Tuesday, November 23, 2021

Succession Power Rankings - What It Takes

This week on Succession … Logan makes a pick, Kenny takes a trip, and Greg makes new friends. And now, the Power Rankings:


1. Logan Roy (last week: 4): You do not spend fifty years on top of the heap without having a few tricks up your sleeve. The cruise line scandal torpedoed your acquisition of PGM and posed an existential threat not just to your control of the company, but your liberty as well. While your go to maneuver is bluster and a gruff “fuck off,” you are also not unfamiliar with the tactical retreat. And here, you played things brilliantly. You slowly but surely drew the family back into your orbit. You drowned the DOJ in a billion pages of document production knowing it will take them years to find anything. You pivoted your coverage of the President hoping he would call off the DOJ’s investigation. When the Raisin folded his tent, you got to take a lead role in picking his replacement. Now, your biggest concern is not another FBI raid, it is whether your ticker will hold up the next time you and Kerry go for a romp in the hay. 


2. Roman Roy (last week: 3): Last season, Naomi Pierce dismissed you as an out-of-your-depth neophyte who thought he could buy her family’s company like he was ordering dinner from Uber Eats. Your dad sent you packing to management training, where you slung kettle corn and had to pitch ideas like you were some normie trying to work his way up to middle management, but all that work is starting to pay dividends. You have polished your deal making skills under duress in Turkey, tip toed around the delicate work of crisis management as the cruise line scandal exploded, and were in the mix when the shareholder vote hung in the balance. You were paying close attention when your dad said he did not care about ideological purity in picking a presidential nominee, he simply wanted someone who gets it and pops on TV. And so, when Jeryd pinged your sadism g-spot with some flirty chat about summer camps with beatings, displayed a heterodoxy that is capacious enough to include Saint Thomas Aquinas and Travis Bickle, you saw his telegenic good looks and willingness to fight as the right fit for a new version of ATN heavy on e-girls taking drags off vape pens in between promoting conspiracy theories. Of course, you may think there is no price to pay when you expand the Overton Window to include neo-fascists with a Hitler fetish, but once you let that genie out of the bottle, it will be awfully hard to put it back in.


3. Jeryd Mencken (last week: NR): You came into the Freedom Forum Summit as a dark horse and walked out with the endorsement of a man you described as no longer relevant and his news channel as a pudding cup for nursing home residents largely because you seduced Logan’s youngest son into believing you can sell your racism and xenophobia as populist solutions for white people. What you might lack in traditional Republican policy positions you make up for in understanding the internal dynamics of the Roy family. Bring dad a Coke. Flirt with one of the kids. Show your fangs, but let them know you will play ball and voilà, the road to the White House is paved with sriracha, bone broth, and dick pills. 


4. Kerry Castellabate (last week: NR): The Power Rankings are not the morality police, so if you want to sleep with your boss, we say god bless. Just know that the heady air of corporate jets, horning in on meetings with high ranking government officials, and chiming in on important decisions has an expiration date and when it arrives, you are done. 


5. Shiv Roy: (last week: 2): You were in politics long enough to do a quick analysis of the men who would be king. Mencken? A YouTube provocateur. Boyer? Yesterday’s news who will get blown out on a change message. Connor? Yeah, no. So you tried to push Salgado as the best of a lousy bunch even though you actually think the political winds are blowing in the Democrats’ direction and ATN should pivot accordingly. But your instinct for compromise is out of step with your dad’s bull-in-the-china-shop way of doing business. You look for middle ground, he doubles down. Your consultant’s gig was dismissed as running a DC lemonade stand and your dad does not do gold stars, even if you did save the company. If you were not so deep in your own feels, you might even notice your husband is withering on the vine and an alternative play is one phone call to the self-styled puppet master away. 


6. Connor Roy: (last week: 5): Your hype man referred to you as a fighter with a brand name, a war chest, and populist appeal. Your siblings know you as the family dipshit who pisses away money on curios like Napoleon’s shriveled penis and pipe dreams like your fake girlfriend’s off-Broadway play. And yet, you were in a Final Four of sorts pitching yourself as a legitimate contender for leader of the free world. That European cable gig is a nice consolation prize and who knows, Willa might actually learn how to write while you are there. 


7. Cousin Greg(ory): (last week: 9): Your physical length allows you to reach, but suing Greenpeace for liking an internet comment about you is a bit much. We get it, obsessing over whether Ken is going to burn you has an icy grip on your innards and the idea of another man wiping his backside on your pillow case is not something any of us would want to think about. Here’s the thing, Greg. Your gramps told you to start taking yourself seriously, but all you keep doing is looking for ways to avoid responsibility.


8. Kendall Roy (last week: 10): If you put the same amount of effort into figuring out how to wrest control of the company from your dad as are you in planning your 40th birthday party, you might not be holding clandestine meetings at a greasy diner in the middle of the night and then acting like a jilted lover when a guy looking at prison time rebuffs your request that he switch sides. While your dad is playing kingmaker, holding court in his hotel suite for potential nominees for President of the United States, you are trying to get the family bottom feeders to flip via text message and looking quizzically at Tom’s fluency with the DD’s menu. That press conference looks more and more like a fleeting moment in the sun before your inevitable crash and burn. You are flailing around focusing on all the wrong things. There is no grand plan, just a guy who misses the irony in the historical references he cites, is more concerned about the guest list at his birthday bash then how it looks when he fires top notch legal talent, and has spent this entire season becoming less and less relevant. 


9. Lisa Arthur (last week: NR): You thought Ken wanted a lawyer who would give him wise counsel and help navigate the treacherous waters of negotiating an immunity deal, but he really wanted a DJ who takes requests. Your withering after action analysis of his interview with the DOJ revealed your legal acumen, but sharing it openly to someone with Ken’s level of insecurity suggests you do not read people nearly as well. 


10. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 7): We admire the attention to detail, Tom. You have done a deep dive into the prison blogs, learned the finer points of fermenting toilet wine, and you even retained your very own prison consultant. You are now taking things to a whole other level, getting invaluable tips like the barter value of mackerel tins and prepping your gastrointestinal system for the never ending diet of salty gym mats and camel’s labia that will clog your colon and make you pine for the biodynamic funk and earthy notes of that spätburgunder you and Shiv sampled in your hotel room. You have lost all hope, are letting baubles of corporate malfeasance dangle from your branches, and we are pretty sure Shiv will be looking for some stray cock while you are gone. Are you sure you do not want to wriggle? 


Not Ranked: Marcia Roy. Willa. Ewan Roy. Gerri Kellman. Hugo Baker. Jess Jordan. Ron Petkus. Dave Boyer. Panhandle Pete. Maxim Pierce. The Freedom Forum Summit. Glyn, The Brexit Pervert. Caroline Collingwood. Peter Munion. Martin Van Boring. Zadie Smith. Chuck D. The Fuck Fuck Donkey Gang. Antibiotic Resistant Super Bugs. Plato. Hamilton, The Musical. Señor Dickless, Captain of the Tampa Bay Cuckaneers. Dr. Honk, The Man Who Could Talk To Cars. The Griddle Hero with Double Hash Browns (fully loaded) A Plain Waffle and A Large Glass of Room-Temperature Water.


Retired Janitors of Idaho 

Lion In The Meadow

The Disruption

Mass In Time Of War

Secession

Complete Season Two Power Rankings


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Tuesday, November 16, 2021

Succession Power Rankings - Retired Janitors Of Idaho

This week on Succession … Roman takes a call, Shiv cuts a deal, and Connor gets a job. And now, the Power Rankings:

1. Sandy Furness, Sandi Furness, and Stewy Houssani (last week: NR): Your financing was wobbly and your leader even more so, but you kept pushing and the other side kept folding. At the end of the day, you benefited from two things. First, you understood that while the shareholder vote was teeter-tottering, losing the family business was simply not a gamble the Roys were willing to make when their odds of winning were slightly worse than a coin flip. Second, you got a small bit of good luck. Logan is a worthy adversary who smelled something fishy in all the back and forth. After all, why agree to the same deal Stewy walked away from in Greece? But when he left the field, the terrain became more favorable. As Sandy and Stewy learned early on, the Roy kids are that unique combination of insecure, incompetent, and inexperienced, making them easy prey for savvier negotiators. By the time the old man came to and started grumbling to Shiv about the terms of the deal, it was too late. Is there another shoe to drop? Color us expectant. While nothing much in Ken’s performance suggested he is pulling many strings, that he is ready to serve up Greg to the DOJ suggests something else is afoot.

 

2. Shiv Roy (last week: 3): For someone who resisted coming into the family business for so long, you have certainly made your presence felt now that you are there. We cannot fault you for making concessions when the shareholder vote looked like it was going the wrong way. A leadership vacuum existed and you stepped in to fill it. Were you too cute by half in coughing up that fourth board seat in exchange for an extra one you expected would be yours? Perhaps, but that type of horse trading comes naturally to someone steeped in the grimy world of politics. You triaged a bad situation the best way you knew how, but inevitably, you came up short in your father’s eyes. Lots to mull over while Tom is waiting for you to fill his commissary card so he can load up on goodies from the kosher vending machines at the federal penitentiary in Otisville.

 

3. Roman Roy (last week: 5): We are not sure which compliment turned your head more, when Gerri called you Bootleg Logan or a visionary, either way, she sure has a weird way of flirting with you. Your concern for your father was a nice touch and you (mostly) kept your wits about you while the negotiations dragged on. We just have a hard time getting a handle on you, Roman. On the one hand, you are smart enough to know you can’t tell the President “blow me” but on the other, you will hand a cool mil to a formerly homeless man for the sole purpose of embarrassing your older brother. Pick a lane, dude.

 

4. Logan Roy (last week: 1): Your penchant for secrecy and compartmentalizing information stops making sense the moment you go from Master of the Universe to Piss Mad King of England. The inopportune timing of your collapse resulted in an agreement you knew you got chiseled on as soon as you were feeling better. That, plus the news that your pivot on the Raisin did not have its intended effect put you in a foul mood, but taking out your frustration on Shiv when you have no one to blame but yourself is a very bad look.

 

5. Connor Roy (last week: NR): For someone who flushed one hundred million American dollars down the toilet on a quixotic quest for the White House and nine tons of sand for his sugar baby’s failed off-Broadway play, you played this hand remarkably well. You had leverage and a reasonable ask. Instead of a no show gig at Gourmando and an eponymous wine tasting show, it’s off to Europe to polish your CV. Before you leave, you may want to do a quick check in with the Conn-Heads at the Institute For A Competitive America, just to let them know to keep their powder dry for your next run at the presidency.

 

6. Karl Muller (last week: NR): Every office has a Karl. You know, the guy who assiduously avoids doing the shit work like vamping in front of the shareholders while a deal is worked out only to elbow everyone out of the way to announce the good news when the deal is done. That you interrupted a video presentation featuring the three highest-ranking female executives at Waystar talking about how women are valued in the company was just the icing on the cake. Well played, sir.

 

7. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 9): There was a time not so long ago when life was pretty good. You have fond memories of that nature walk at Argestes and who could forget when your wife dangled a no-guilt threesome in front of your face? Unfortunately, it has pretty much been downhill since. That odor coming off you is not the aroma of fruit and ketchup you are experimenting with for your prison toilet wine, no, it is desperation. You feel it all slipping away – the cushy job, the chilled white wine, and most importantly, your marriage to a woman who has not only zoomed past you on the org chart but is totally creeped out that you are tracking her menstrual cycle to calculate the most opportune time to impregnate her with Baby Wamgsgans.

 

8. Greenpeace (last week: NR): Thanks to Greg’s fuck up (see below), you are in line for a $250 million bequest, just ignore the irony that your enrichment is due to the market value of a company whose leader your donor described as a “whore for the climate deniers.”

 

9. Cousin Greg(ory): (last week: 7): It is easy to forget that you were once the family black sheep, catching a buzz in your beat up old Subaru before bombing out of your first (and only day) of employment at a Waystar theme park.  But, as the saying goes, your eyes got too big for your stomach. You thought you were a player in this game of chess, but it turned out, you were simply a pawn that could be burned (by Ken), disinherited (by Ewan), and ignored (by Comfry). Grandpa Grumps is right, it is time to take yourself seriously, kid.

 

10. Kendall Roy (last week: 6): Speaking of someone we cannot take seriously … it is hard to look at you as some Machiavellian puppet master scheming from up on high in your eagle aerie when you might have accidentally killed your daughter’s pet rabbit and then tried to solve the problem by sending a doctor who treats people, not pets, to fix things. You could not even crash the shareholder meeting properly. Your mic got cut, your virtue signaling was met with crickets from the audience, and in a final bit of humiliation, you were left stranded in some dumpy windowless hotel room while your dad ghosted you. The only reason we have not bumped you off the Power Rankings is our perhaps (?) unrealistic belief that you are back channeling with your old college pal Stewy, the documents you turned over to DOJ are damaging, and Greg’s reevaluation of his position might get you back in the game.

 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy. Ewan Roy. Willa. Gerri Kellman. Shakespeare Frank. Hugo Baker. Karolina. Jess Jordan. Kerry. Roger Pugh. Cyd Peach. The Raisin. Michelle-Anne, the Pantsuit Barnacle. Maya. Sophie Roy. Bianca. Megathump. Comfry. The Tabasco Suppository. Belligerent Zucchini. The Sermon On The Marriott. What Moscow and Washington Are Thinking. 


Lion In The Meadow

The Disruption

Mass In Time Of War

Secession

Complete Season Two Power Rankings


Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

Succession Power Rankings - Lion In The Meadow

This week on Succession … Roman buys some photos, Greg has a drink, and Gerri goes on a date. And now, the Power Rankings:

 

1. Logan Roy (last week: 5): Like an old grandmaster you saw five moves ahead of everyone, moving your chess pieces around the board knowing the final outcome. While we focused on the shiny objects you were quietly suing for peace with Stewy and Sandy. When you needed to reel in Kendall, you had his godfather make the call and explain the way the world works. And when your overly eager daughter tried to ditch the kids table and muscle around two guys who were negotiating deals while she was still in diapers, you put her in her place. Could it all still blow up in your face? Sure, but you see the endgame in sight, some slaps on the wrist and a big payout, and the match ending the same way it started - with you in charge. 

 

2. Gerri Kellman (last week: 4): Logan may grudgingly acknowledge your talent but we here at the Power Rankings are big fans. Just a superb week for our acting CEO. On the professional front, you are working behind the scenes with Karl and Frank to make Stewy and Sandy disappear while simultaneously strategizing with Laurie between courses of your lunch date on the best way to handle your boss’s legal predicament. On the personal front, you told Roman in not so many words that he will need to look elsewhere to work out his sexual kinks, but if he gets past the disappointment you also imparted some exceptional advice when it comes to decision making in the Waystar Royco universe - “how does this advance my personal position?” 

 

3. Shiv Roy (last week: 3): You worked in politics long enough to know that there is a direct connection between being part of the decision making process and the power you wield. And so it is easy to understand why your wires got crossed with Logan. After all, you were the one sitting in the room strategizing with him and you were the one he gave marching orders – to flip ATN’s coverage of the President, make sure Connor is still on lockdown, and birddog the settlement negotiations. When the first task turned out to be slightly harder than you expected, owing to your husband’s sudden obsession with ancient Roman history, you went directly to the source and explained how things would be to Mark Ravenhead. When it came time to talk to Connor, you laughed off his request to be brought into the company for a little a résumé polishing and instead, offered him the chance to expound on his hyper decanting skills on a wine tasting show no one would watch. Connor may have dismissed you as playing post office stamping imaginary mail, but with everyone else in the fold, we doubt your dad is going to give him the sucky suck on his dicky dick he thinks he deserves. And when you saw Karl and Frank lollygagging, ketchup smudges on the settlement docs and seemingly in no hurry to resolve the non-disparagement clause, you got over your skis a bit. We do not take Logan’s reprimand that “everything everywhere is always moving forever” as anything other than a tough love life lesson, but you would be well served to appreciate that the shit shovelers in the office kind of know what they are doing. For now, if you get past the fact that your marriage is in shambles, you have compromised your ideals, and are now one of the public faces of a company embroiled in a major federal investigation, you put in a solid week at the office.

 

4. Josh Aaronson (last week: NR): Are you just some putz who got lucky at the casino one night? Maybe, but that 4 percent stake gives you the power to summon Logan and Kendall to your beachside mansion in Montauk for a meeting of the minds. Ken’s Go Joe pitch did not exactly blow you away and you really had to pull teeth to get Logan to say anything nice about his wayward number one son, but it seemed like you were ready to stick with the home team until Logan made that not-so-subtle coffee and bagel jab. You decided to fuck with the old man and wander around the brambles to see if his ticker could take it. When he finally tapped out, you had your answer (and revenge). As Kendall fumes in his private jet, you are bro hugging Stewy, already counting that three hundred fifty mil you expect to recoup once all this messiness is resolved.

 

5. Roman Roy (last week: 6): Every time we think about bumping you up a few rungs on the ladder, you have a performance like this which reminds us why we are reluctant to do so. We get it, your kink is humiliation, but it is just the flip side of the sadistic streak you show over and over again. The first time you offered someone a million dollars, it was the son of one of your dad’s servants, who you dangled that hefty payday in front of if he could hit a home run. When he got tagged out at home (by a mile) you took a bit too much pleasure in his failure. Now, another million is on offer to a formerly homeless man whose forehead you, Kendall, and the rest of his bachelor party posse used as a Post-It note fifteen years ago but you now see as a way to pile on your brother. Just not a good look and, as Gerri helpfully pointed out, not a way to advance your own position, except you are so hyped up at the idea she is dating an age-appropriate man, you cannot see the wisdom in her counsel. Our suggestion? See if Tabitha would be open to the eunuch besties arrangement you had last season and be your acceptable arm candy for public-facing social events. Behind closed doors, we get that you may need the frisson of being insulted by your actual boss, but since that window has closed, track down one of the many professionally trained dominatrixes in New York City who will gladly call you a slime puppy and tell you that you are worthless while you nut in the corner. You are clearly backed up, but once you have released the poison you might realize Gerri is trying to give you a hand (just not in the way you want her to).

 

6. Kendall Roy (last week: 2): When you are in your command pod surrounded by your entourage and a view of New York City most of us can only dream of, you see yourself as Techno Gatsby, a visionary who will leapfrog tech and turn Waystar into the information hub of the future. But the moment you bump up against the real world, you are Little Lord Fuckleroy, cosplaying your dad in a black baseball cap and upturned denim jacket, getting the polite brush off when you try to show Josh your vision for the company’s future and then told you need to shut down the outrage shop and lay down your arms. You see right through Logan’s lie to Josh that it really could be you one day and then have to shift into crisis mode when it looks like your dad is going to keel over in an anonymous spot in the Hamptons. Your allies have been compromised, Logan’s pressure campaign against the Raisin is threatening to derail any investigation, and even if it goes forward, he’s got an all-star team of ex-DOJ muckety mucks who will make it all go away, even if you have the goods to show he is implicated in the cruise line scandal. You overplayed your hand and now you are getting the blame for Logan’s near death experience to boot. You may need some quality father/son (Face) time with Iverson and that overfed rabbit while you consider next steps.

 

7. Cousin Greg(ory) (last week: 9): You were not quite the sturdy birdie you promised you were to Kendall. You had a little leverage, and that strong rum and coke Kerry poured stiffened your spine just enough to actually blurt out the words “what’s it worth” to one of the most powerful men in the world. It may be that the bright lights and big city - not to mention vetting Nazi-adjacent ATN hosts, testifying before Congress, and human foot stooling - have become too much for you. You would not be the first person New York City has chewed up, spit out, and sent back to middle America. Perhaps a mid-level gig at a theme park in Buffalo is more your speed, but I would not hold my breath that Comfry will join you out in the sticks, and when Roger Pugh finds out you signed that joint defense agreement, he is going to choke on his double black eye. 

 

8. Shakespeare Frank Vernon (last week: NR): We were beginning to worry, Frank. Perhaps you have been too busy boning up on the latest books on the New York Times bestseller list or you just wanted to avoid getting too close to the flames, but until now, you have spent this season as a quiet presence, lingering in the background without much to do. But when Logan needed someone he knew Ken would trust to explain the importance of locking down Josh’s support without suspecting he was being set up, you got off the bench, grabbed your bat, and hit it out of the park. 

 

9. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 8): Things have taken a very dark turn, (Terminal) Tom. It is bad enough you are spending your day comparing the relative merits of various federal correctional facilities and noodling over jailhouse moonshine recipes, but when your wife barges into your office and lords her power over you, it is no wonder you are feeling impotent and want to use Greg as a punching bag. And when you try to reassert yourself and tell Shiv that Ravenhead won’t go along with her request to go on the offensive against the Raisin, she just undermines you further by going over your head and making him do it anyway. We hope you enjoy that chilled glass of white wine (while you still can). 

 

10. Kerry (last week: NR): Being Logan’s personal assistant should come with hazard pay, but every now and again you get a small perk, like riding in the corporate jet and eavesdropping on a conversation as your boss has a good laugh listening to the President of these United States have a temper tantrum.

 

Not Ranked: Connor Roy. Willa. Marcia Roy. Hugo Baker. Karolina. Karl. Michelle-Anne, the Pantsuit Barnacle. Jess Jordan. Colin. Remy. Stewy. Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphilis). Sandi (with an “i”) Furness. Mark Ravenhead. Montgomery Clift. Henry Kissinger. Tattoo Man. Nero and Sporus. Gourmando. Kosher vending machines. The Sgt. Pepper of Broken Corporate America. Prison Blogs. Toilet Wine. Deep Fried Deck Shoes. Courtesy Pastries. The Westchester Judge Fuckers. 

 

The Disruption

Mass In Time Of War

Secession

Complete Season Two Power Rankings


Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy