This week on Succession … Kendall meets a woman. Connor has a sand problem. Roman buys Logan a gift. And now, the Power Rankings:
1. Logan Roy (last week: 1): A dollar bill got you the fuck out of Scotland and on your way to becoming one of the richest, most influential men in the world. Your family, friends, and even some enemies have convened in your hometown to celebrate your life’s achievements but you are so preoccupied you do not see the walls are starting to close in. Your big brother did not fly in to reminisce about the birds you once spotted at the bandstand. No, he came to Dundee hoping to dance a little jig on your grave when all that dirty laundry you have threatened, cajoled, and paid people off to keep quiet about all these years goes public. Plus, you might have been a bit hasty in renegotiating your last divorce because Marcia has one foot out the door.
2. Rhea Jarrell (last week: 2): We see your game here at the Power Rankings and are not unimpressed. You lean into your smallness - a mere hummingbird, or perhaps a butterfly in the ointment - to mask your sharp elbows and taste for the jugular. The Roy kids tried a death-by-a-thousand-cuts move (have you been tested for STDs? is your mom a democratic socialist?!) and you countered with a little game of divide and conquer. On the surface, it seemed to work. Sure, Roman scoffed when you complimented his instincts and Kendall knows he is not getting out of the rock tumbler (or wearing the Big Trousers, s/o Tom Wamgsgans) anytime soon, but your fawning had its intended effect. They, and Connor (who has his own problems to deal with) bailed when Shiv issued her call to arms to take you down. But you have not been around the family long enough to see the error in your strategy. The kids are not going anywhere no matter how many wedges you try to insert between them. The real action is out in the stables, where the shit shovelers are failing to make the latest scandal disappear - precisely the type of intel an incoming CEO would want to know before accepting the job and having that bomb explode in her face.
3. Shiv Roy (last week: 6): Your dad made you an offer and you are going to redeem that coupon or go down swinging. Your brothers are unwilling to join the Resistance but that ended up accruing to your benefit. While Kendall is off with Jennifer, Connor is sweating his finances, and Roman is flirting with Eduard, Gerri, Frank, and the rest of the What The Fuck Are We Going To Do Committee looked to you for their marching orders. No one wants to tell Logan that the storm warning threat or the eight figure hush money offer failed to move the needle with the Weasel-Man. He is going to spill the cruise line's secrets publicly and whoever Logan announces as his successor at Dundee will get hit with the sharpnel. So, you play the double game masterfully. You keep the bad news away from your dad and, with every ounce of faux sincerity you can muster, tell him he needs to trust his gut, knowing he will go with Rhea, thereby sending her directly into the line of fire for what you hope will be the shortest CEO tenure in history.
4. Ewan Roy (last week: not ranked): If revenge is a dish best served cold, the plate you handed your younger brother must have been sourced somewhere north of the Arctic Circle. Sure, the quarter billion dollar inheritance you are dangling over your grandson’s head is there because of Logan’s hard work, but you cannot see past your own bitterness and resentment that he made it and you are living off his success. Are you the silent deep pocket funding the whistleblower? Maybe. Does it matter. Nope. You are seeing red, but when you call Logan morally bankrupt, accuse him of whoring for the climate deniers, and mock his empire of shit, you are really just projecting your own insecurity onto him. Give me Uncle Fun over Grandpa Grumps any day of the week.
5. Kendall Roy (last week: 9): Some lessons are harder learned than others. For most of the season, you seemed to understand that keeping your head down, your dad properly medicated, and your mouth shut was the best way to stay in the old man's good graces. Were there downsides? Sure. You know full well your barely-under-control drug habit and the messy little business with Andrew Dodds will forever keep you out of the top job, but a cozy perch in the C suite was a nice consolation prize. Unfortunately, you could not leave well enough alone. You stood up to Logan when he backhanded Roman at Argestes and you questioned his judgment in carrying on an affair with Rhea. So you got punished. A quick visit to the home of the young man you killed resulted in a predictable change in attitude. Instead of playing the game of thrones, you brushed up on your white man rapping skills (Ken-W-A in the mother fucking house, y'all) and engaged in some century-defining fucking with the star of Willa's will-not-even-make-it-to-opening-night play; and when she embarrasses you in front of your dad, you still have the good sense to ship her ass back to the City faster than she can say "awesome" (again).
6. Roman Roy (last week: 5): There is an old saying that you should not confuse motion with progress and for much of the season, Roman has been languishing in the middle of the Power Rankings pack, spinning his wheels but never actually going anywhere. This episode was a good example of why. If the Power Rankings were measured solely on who gets in the most sick burns, he would be our number one boy every week; but when it comes time to do the nuts and bolts of ladder climbing, he can never make it past the middle rung, largely because he skips the small details, like remembering the football club his dad supports or knowing the price of a gallon of milk. Roman's plan to reach the top revolves around something untoward happening to Logan so his kink-friendly general counsel will put him and his little dick in charge. Seems thin.
7. Marcia Roy (last week: not ranked): You may not pee the carpet at every crack of thunder, but you do have your pride. If Logan wants to dip his quill in another ink well, that's fine, so long as he is discreet about it. But when his latest paramour throws a very public party for him, you can only keep up a brave face for so long. Over your years, you have fought and won and you have fought and lost. File this one away as a loss and be thankful you are about to fuck off just as the Waystar ship hits the iceberg. Let’s hope Logan is still liquid enough to make your golden years comfortable.
8. Cousin Greg(ory)(last week: 4): Negotiating the finer points of the Grexit is not in your skill set. Getting a tip from Uncle Logan that your grandfather is a coward who would never have the balls to cut you out of his will is a $250 million bet you cannot cover if he is wrong. In the meantime, see if Colin can track down some Neosporin to take care of those sand mite bites before they get infected.
9. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 10): I can't decide what was more humiliating, almost having a super awkward moment with the peasant Shiv boned while you were playing Boar on the Floor or your clumsy attempt to flirt with Rhea. Your season started with dreams of an accelerated timeline that would put you in charge of the whole company. Now, you are sitting at the kids table, hoping the adults still know you are around. But don’t worry Tom, it is not like the whole cruise line division story is about to blow wide open resulting in your having to testify before Congress. Everything is fine.
10. Connor Roy (last week: not ranked): You forgot the first rule of having a sugar baby - don't fall in love. Now, you are learning that Willa is not actually a playwright (shocker) and that there is a major difference between construction sand and desert sand. Even if you dodge the inevitable lawsuits stemming from the mites lurking in those nine tons of white powder you now own, it does not matter, your bank account is tapped out. You may super love your dad but I would not hold my breath on his giving you that bridge loan to keep things afloat.
Not Ranked: Willa; Jennifer; Shakespeare Frank; Eduard; Gerri Killman; Colin; Stewie; Jess; Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphillis); Ratfucker Sam; Sno-Jo; Hearts FC; Karolina; The Jack The Ripper Women's Health Clinic; Hugo Baker; Tacitus; The Calispatron Franchise; The Pushy Sound Engineer; Rosebud; The Barrymore Theater; DJ Squiggle; The Denver Chronicle.
Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy
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