Succession Power Rankings - The Vaulter

The Succession Power Rankings - The Vaulter Edition

1. Kendall Roy: I am not here to pretend all is well in Ken’s world. He carries so much guilt he cannot even hug his daughter after she got to meet Sno-Jo at her birthday party and the thanks he got for poring over Vaulter’s financials for 36 hours was a defenestration in front of his dad when Roman springs the news that plans are afoot for the employees there to unionize, BUT, when given his marching orders to gut the online site, he does so deftly. He hoodwinks the staff into not unionizing then harvests a bunch of ideas before bloodlessly firing them all. Kendall’s reward is a return to the “C” suite even though Logan literally takes a call from Shiv confirming she’s ready to come into the business while Kendall gets his promotion. 

2. Cyd Peach: Every four years, Logan sends Cyd a latte sipping douchebag with a $100 haircut who she devours in one bite like a freaking anaconda in a Discovery Channel documentary. The woman is a human stiletto and will make a meal out of Tom and then pick her teeth with his bones.

3. Logan Roy: The man is manipulating his children like some sort of modern day Tywin Lannister while also fighting off a proxy battle from an equally dickish competitor. Just a solid episode of growling at his underlings and doing what he does best - humiliation and telling people to fuck off, but could someone find the poor man three women for his board of directors? 

4. Tabitha: Has anyone this side of Cousin Greg had a more meteoric rise? She has parlayed a bachelor party blow job into becoming Roman Roy’s confidant. Of course, everyone is focusing on her “you should swallow something” closed-loop call-back to Tom, but her withering put down of Roman, “mazel tov, you did a thing” was what really turned my head. Unclear if she’s playing the “I’m above it all” card (which makes her more desirable) or if she just does not give a fuck, but she brings all of Willa’s eye-rolling and none of her sketchy background and I am here for all of it. 

5. Shiv Roy: I would have ranked Shiv higher but she gave up the one thing she had - leverage - by bailing on Gil. Her attempt to nudge Kendall into defying their father by saving Vaulter went nowhere and Roman does not even consider her a threat. Three years (minimum) is a long time to wait for the CEO job.  

6. Cousin Greg: A classic good news/bad news week for Greg. The good news is that he found 30 (maybe 50?) people Tom can fire at ATN and he has supplanted Jess as Kendall’s drug procurer of choice. Even better, Kendall gifts him a dope condo in Manhattan so he doesn’t have to commute in from Staten Island (which might as well be Cleveland). The bad news is that Kendall wants to use that condo as some sort of Caligula-like fuck pad cum drug den and ATN’s views on racism do not exactly align with Greg’s. 

7. Roman Roy: Quietly drafting the other competitors for dad’s attention, he gets key intel from the Vaulter staff at the low, low price of a couple of rounds of overpriced IPAs. He almost pulls off a dinner party (race relations, kale, etc.) and has a girlfriend who is way too hot (and tall!) for him. Still too reliant on Gerri and no one takes him seriously. 

8. Gil Eavis: Signs are pointing toward 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue on a private jet he has free use of on the weekend and he hasn’t lost his touch with the common man. He did, however, lose his chief political consultant who he was planning to make his Chief of Staff. Oh well, enjoy the gluten and melted cheese. 

9. Tom Wamgsgans: Tom has gone from swallowing his own load to swallowing a torrent of insults on everything from his suits to his haircut. His dream of one day running Waystar Royco evaporated in roughly the amount of time it took his wife to pour him a nightcap. His only hope is massaging his father-in-law’s g-spot by trimming back stationary use and firing some low-level staffers at ATN. Also walks around as a cuckold while fearing his wife will find out her brother’s new girlfriend sucked his dick at his bachelor party. 

10. The Vaulter Red Shirt Who Spit in Kendall’s Face: Shouts to the guy whose health benefits will be terminated at the end of the month and will only get a week’s severance for every year he worked at the now-mostly shuttered website. 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy; Connor Roy; Willa; Stewie; Lawrence; Gerri; Sandy Furness; Jess; Nate; Stanley, the Real Estate Agent; the Vaulter bee hive; Julia, the amusement park employee who takes the Wagon Train ride up to a point; Shiv’s bottle of hand sanitizer; the Bodega guy who did not notice Kendall steal a two-pack of batteries; Logan and Marcia’s Alexa; the Facebook algorithm; the five interns now running the weed and food verticals at the stripped down version of Vaulter.

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