Succession Power Rankings - Tailgate Party

This week on Succession … Ken gets a tip, Tom gives a gift, and Lukas takes a hit. And now, the Power Rankings: 

1. Kendall Roy (last week: 1): It turns out you were right. Matsson is a card trick. All you needed was for one of your in house snoops to do some digging and turn up the deets on Lukas’s frozen blood brick obsession with Ebba to learn he is unstable and a little cozying up to her in a moment of pique to confirm he is cooking the company books. You have seen this movie before. Lawrence pulled the same trick and you overpaid for Vaulter; this time, you want to flip the script with a reverse Viking and counterattack so that Waystar acquires a GoJo weakened by revelations of wonky business practices. Could it work? Perhaps. But if you fancy yourself a general fighting battles on six continents, we need to admit that a couple of the front lines do not look great. For one, you could not get Nate to bite on your offer to give Jimenez favorable coverage on ATN in exchange for using federal agencies to make the deal go away. For another, you do not realize your sister has switched teams. And, not for anything, you just pulled the same sleight of hand at the company investor conference by using meaty projections and some artful sound editing to convince the audience that Living+ will be a revenue generating machine. You envision a future with a single crown on a single head, but we are a little concerned your eyes are getting too big for your stomach.

2. Lukas Matsson (last week: 3): The thing about a charm offensive is you need to be, you know, charming. And while you were able to play the good boy for a little while, not inserting any body parts into the guacamole, telling Nate he need not fear the bleep bloop algo guys data mining the nation to death, and offering to send Tom off on an iceberg once you acquire ATN, the façade did not hold. Once you and Oskar fired up the vape pen, things went south. You lashed out at Ebba, called Ken’s Living+ numbers “gay,” and insulted the greatest city on Earth from a view of it most of us will never experience. When Shiv expressed legitimate concern about the deal (not to mention the loss she would eat if GoJo’s stock cratered when you revealed the company’s India subscriber numbers were half what the company said they were) the man behind the curtain was finally exposed – all you have is the hope that a quick deal with Waystar will paper over the bad news until the subscriber numbers tick up, probably. In other words, another card trick to keep the short sellers at bay before anyone realizes your company’s foundation is built on wet cement.

3. Shiv Roy (last week: 2): The problem with keeping your options open is that you risk being left with none. You betrayed your brothers in the hopes of taking over a post-acquisition Waystar, but when you floated the idea to Lukas, punctuated with not one, not, two but three “verys” modifying your request for a significant role going forward, he gave you the old corporate brush off of “let’s circle back.” That alone should have sent up a red flag, but you were undeterred. When your brothers, who are still not clued into the fact you are actively working against them, told you that Matsson has been fudging his numbers and you confronted him, he gave you a song and dance routine that hardly left you reassured. And so, realizing belatedly that you may have nailed yourself to the wrong cross, you tried to get some comfort from Tom only for the two of you to air all of your grievances with one another in the ugliest way possible. You have painted yourself into a corner and now your best play is hoping dumb and dumber never realize you were a double agent.

4. Ebba (last week: NR): Publicly, you have been burnishing Lukas’s reputation as a tech genius when in private you know he cannot even write basic code. In comms, this type of lily gilding is de rigueur and you might have just kept it to yourself or put it in that book you threatened to write if your nest was not feathered properly, but Lukas embarrassed you in public one time too many. Roman was naïve enough to think you are going to walk because of the fallout from your break up, but you spilled the real tea – that GoJo’s subscriber numbers in India are half what the company says they are – and may have handed the CE-Bros the silver bullet they need to put down Lukas once and for all.

5. Gerri Kellman (last week: 9): Back at Argestes, Roman pitched you on a tandem leadership team – Tarzan and Mole Woman. He would be the dashing public face of Waystar, taking big swings and making big deals while you were back at HQ sorting out the details. The reward for being, as he described you, a competent filing cabinet, would be a pile of money so high you could buy your own private island. It turns out two of those things are coming true. Roman is running the company and taking a bunch of big swings, but you are not going to be around to fill in the blanks because one of those decisions was showing you the door. You are getting a massive pay out, some of which you will use to pay those personal reputation managers to polish your image, and the rest, well, you can figure out later.

6. Nate Sofrelli (last week: NR): When the polling vibes are good you can moonwalk from D.C. to New York City and never feel the ground beneath your feet. You may be a humble public servant, but you are being wooed by a tech billionaire and the scion of one of the most influential media companies in the world to leverage your power in their favor. But you find this kind of horse trading almost as unsavory as Tom trying to bigfoot you with his endless supply of biodynamic, light and fruity red wines. You ditched the tailgate party early, no doubt hoping you did not miss the last Acela train back to the nation’s capital.

7. Roman Roy (last week: 5): We are starting to think you may be in over your head. Anything beyond deploying a minion to sniff out Lukas’s dirty laundry seems beyond your reach. You could not get Connor to quit his campaign and endorse Mencken. It took Ken asking Ebba for a smoke to get her talking about India. And when you attempted to make peace with Gerri, she was having none of it. Your impulsivity caught up to you. Not only are you losing a valuable ally who might have helped you navigate the top job, all that institutional knowledge you flushed down the toilet may end up being more costly than the check Waystar is going to write so Gerri keeps her file folder of your NSFW pics to herself.

8. Cousin Gary (err Greg)(last week: 6): Your tolerance for humiliation is only surpassed by your capacity for self-preservation, two skills we are not unimpressed with. Lukas may have dismissed you as the backwash at the bottom of the gene pool, but he took notice when you humble bragged your firing of 100 ATN international employees. It turns out appearing to care about people when you do not in fact care about people is the true skill Matsson values, but your moves are all tactic and no strategy. Ingratiating yourself with whoever you think has the upper hand at any given time is a recipe for staying on the bottom rungs of the corporate ladder.

9. Connor Roy (last week: NR): We get it, Connor. You had a lot on your plate, what with trying to parlay your meager support into a suitably prestigious ambassadorship, keeping your dad’s funeral to a tight 90, and convincing Willa to give up living in a posh Manhattan townhouse for the thrill of tooling around a middle eastern country in a car with diplomatic license plates so the cops can’t touch her. But instead of eating the carrot being dangled by the Mencken campaign, you are going to stay in the race on the off chance a better-than-expected performance might lead to a book deal and a lecture circuit tour. Seems thin.

10. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 7): The Power Rankings were also in a toxic marriage borne out of a roller coaster courtship and engagement, so we are not unsympathetic to the beats a relationship of this sort entail. The fights are punctuated with the kind of passionate reconnection that leaves you weak in the knees but the underlying problems never disappear and quickly bubble back up to the surface. You mistook the radical honesty previously unseen in your marriage as an opportunity to show her (via an ill-advised scorpion encased in lucite) and tell her (in a series of escalating insults) what you really think. Big mistake. It may have been the late hour, the energy sapped out of you by a house full of guests critiquing ATN, or the murmurs that your job was at risk, but your fight on the balcony is the kind of thing we do not see you coming back from. In a marriage, there is a mutually assured destruction aspect to things. You each possess knowledge about the other that can nuke everything, and because of that, it is not in either party’s interest to launch their missiles unless they are prepared to destroy the earth. So, when you are accused of taking away the last few months a mourning daughter could have had with her dad and you respond by telling her she is incapable of love, question whether she should ever be a parent, and dismiss her as broken, the emotional blast radius is big enough to send you back to whatever Midwest town you came from because your career and marriage both appear to be over.

Not Ranked: Willa Roy. Rava Roy. Sophie Roy. Hugo Baker. Karolina Novotny. Shakespeare Frank Vernon. Maxim Pierce. Daniel Jimenez. Jeryd Mencken. Karl Muller. Oskar. Len. Carly Flight, The Pod Goddess. Coop. Kettle Corn. The Logan Roy Funeral Management Committee. Biodynamic German Red Wines. The Phoenix Thing. South Asian Packing Peanuts. Slim Reaper. Slovenia. Slovakia. Somalia. 

Living+

Kill List

Honeymoon States

Connor’s Wedding

Rehearsal

The Munsters

Seasons 2 and 3 Power Rankings

Succession Power Rankings - Living+

This week on Succession … Ken makes a pitch, Lukas sends a tweet, and Roman takes some heat. And now, the Power Rankings:

1. Kendall Roy (last week: T-3): All the ingredients were there for one of your patented flameouts. The vibes that screamed “three day coke binge.” The elaborate stagecraft. The minions nervously agreeing with your requests. The costuming. The siblings’ skeptical looks. Hell, you even got dressed down by Karl right before you went onstage. And yet, when the lights shined brightest, you finally came through. You wisely decided against the eleventh-hour Potemkin village with faux clouds and went with a more conventional pitch. Sure, the flight jacket looked ridiculous, but your hokey patter with video Logan struck just the right tone. And when Mattson tried to rattle you by live tweeting your presentation, you rose above it, walking off stage to applause from the company’s deep pocket investors and the grudging admiration of the Waystar leadership team. One problem. You are taking that proverbial tightrope walk on a straight razor. You browbeat poor Pete into accepting your wildly unrealistic growth expectations so that he could make a colorable argument to investors about this new venture’s potential all while knowing the numbers are hinky and being made up for the sole purpose of making Waystar’s acquisition price higher than Mattson can afford. A bill will come due one day, but for now, go ahead and carve that number one in the sand, you have earned your spot atop the board. 

2. Shiv Roy (last week: 1): You were right to be skeptical when your brothers promised your partnership would remain equal even though they were taking the title of co-CEOs. While Mattson might be an unreliable narrator, when he told you that Ken and Roman melted down during their negotiation with him, that added to your own suspicion that they wanted to tank the deal, cut you out, and run the whole company themselves. So you called them out when they tried to sell the management team on a story about Mattson being erratic and got them to admit the whole thing was a lie. You have seen this movie before. Whether it was getting blamed for spilling chocolate milk in the Range Rover or mud on your confirmation dress, your siblings always seem to gang up on you. Now, with the power dynamics shifting, you are moving beyond keeping your options open and getting sucked into Lukas’s gravitational orbit. You know the idea of getting out clean and buying Pierce will only happen if Waystar is sold, so you got Roman to bail on Ken, kibitzed with Lukas about slipping a stick in the spokes of Ken’s bike, and hoped he would fall on his face. When your scheme went south, you told Lukas to stand down, fuming quietly while everyone patted Ken on the back, and chose to fight another day.  

3. Lukas Mattson (last week: 2): You made it clear to Shiv you did not want any part of running senior living facilities and even floated an idea or two about how she could torpedo the whole idea, but when she balked, you took the bait and fired off an ill-advised tweet that ended up blowing up in your face. First rule of Nazis - only compare Nazis to other Nazis, don’t compare a company’s idea for a retirement community to Nazis. In doing so, you validated one of Kendall’s critiques about your leadership style, with the added indignity of having to take down the message when he deflected your rant with humor and a shrug. 

4. Karl Muller (last week: T-9): You have been a CFO for major companies for more than two decades and so, you know a thing or two about a thing or two. When Pete no doubt came running to you with concerns about Kendall’s ideas for valuing Living+, the red light came on and you took the opportunity to remind Ken that while he may hold the top job, you could eviscerate him if he said anything you did not agree with. It was a completely rational response to what you expected to be a dumpster fire of a presentation that you were not going to be left defending. And yet, when Ken came through in the clutch, got the room on his side, and name dropped you as “legendary,” you reverted right back to being a supportive company man, praising Kendall and calling him "special," all while the dream of retirement on that Greek island remains as elusive as ever. 

5. Roman Roy (last week: T-3): Since you just fired the person you used to work out your kinks with, it is not surprising (although a little creepy) that you have a very special humiliation clip from your dad on a loop so you can marinate in all the bad decisions you made while out in La La Land. You misread every situation and overreacted at the slightest challenges to your authority. And yet, your brother had your back. He shrugged off your impulsive firings of Joy and Gerri, speculating that you could spin the whole thing as a couple of young turks shaking up the leadership team to turn things around. The thanks you gave him was letting Shiv convince you to distance yourself from the Living+ presentation, assuming Ken would go down in flames. When he not only made it through in one piece, but had the audience in the palm of his hand, you were left alone to second guess yourself with your dead father’s manufactured words about how you always get things wrong ringing in your ears. 

6. Cousin Greg (last week: 8): You may have set a new world record for letting the least amount of power go to someone’s head. Then again, when you have shredded highly damaging company files, made a fool of yourself in front of Congress, and narrowly avoided jail time, browbeating some random sound engineer into doing a bit of light corporate fraud so you get into the good books is not a big deal. 

7. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 4): Perhaps you see it all slipping away or maybe you do legitimately want to mend things with your estranged wife, but instead of scoping out the leggy blondes and tall models Greg had lined up, you finally opened up to Shiv and admitted that the things you love - your career and your money - were at risk and betraying her was a way to ensure you got to keep both. You may be a phony, but that might have been the most honest thing you ever said to her. 

8. Logan Roy (last week: NR): You haunt your children from the grave. As if they needed further confirmation of your dim view of their abilities, outtakes from your intro for Living+ left no doubt they were your favorite punching bags. But Ken flipped the script and with a little Hollywood magic, turned you into his co-conspirator in selling a prison camp for grannies as a dynamic experience so exciting they won’t even notice they are being kept drunk on content while Waystar drains every last dollar out of their bank accounts. 

9. Gerri Kellman (last week: 5): For a seasoned lawyer who has made a living out of avoiding the ax, you woefully misjudged this situation. You thought you could give Roman a stern lecture about handling human resources, dismiss him as a weak monarch temporarily wearing a crown until the kingdom is taken over by a new ruler, and explain that tech is going to swallow everything in its wake, when what he wanted in that moment was a crumb of validation you refused to give him. He has the pretext of the cruise line scandal to show you the door; for your sake, we hope you kept a file folder of his pervy text messages if he decides to follow through on his threat. 

10. Joy Palmer (last week: NR): Just a pro tip, when the latest installment in the Kalispatron franchise is over budget and your new boss sweeps into town offering you a pile of money to fix it, instead of taking that opportunity to editorialize about ATN’s right-wing bent, just say “thank you” and get the franchise pump pump pumping again. 

Not Ranked: Connor Roy. Willa Roy. Marcia Roy. Karolina Novotny. Hugo Baker. Shakespeare Frank Vernon. Pete. Denny. Raj. Lana. Dr. Sarcasm. Meme Stock Frothing. Doderick and Friends. The Big Eye. Dad Goggles. 

Kill List

Honeymoon States

Connor’s Wedding

Rehearsal

The Munsters

Seasons 2 and 3 Power Rankings

Succession Power Rankings - Kill List

This week on Succession …  the kids take a trip, Lukas makes a pitch, and Connor has a glitch. And now, the Power Rankings:

1. Shiv Roy (last week: 4): Mattson may have invoked the name of that famed crime fighter Scooby Doo, but you were the one who unraveled the mystery of what was happening among your brothers and him. You have been in enough rooms with enough politicians and powerful men to see the bigger picture. While Ken and Roman were keeping you in the loop nominally, when it came time to talk turkey, you were frozen out. On the PR front, you suspected (correctly) that the anonymous leaks to the press criticizing your dad were coming from inside the company. You also sized up Lukas perfectly, sharing just enough about the wobbly state of your own personal life to open the spigot that let him riff in a cocaine haze about sending frozen bricks of blood to his ex-girlfriend. And in that moment, you pounced. First, by clinically dissecting how he needed to handle Ebba; second, by flagging Gerri and Karolina as people he could rely on to navigate that and other issues that may pop up; and third, by suggesting increasing his offer for the whole company would seal the deal. As the brain trust flew back to the States, Mattson goosed his offer by five bucks a share, you accumulated a few allies who were not even aware they are now in your debt, and you were not above a little gloating, sending Mattson a discreet photo of your brothers’ dour expressions as they saw their plans to scuttle the deal go up in smoke. 

2. Lukas Mattson (last week: NR): After slow rolling the deal while Logan was still alive, you suddenly speeded things up once he was gone because it turns out you wanted the whole kingdom, something he never would have agreed to. So you pulled out every trick from the negotiating playbook. You dragged the Roy kids to Norway on short notice (and with the late request of additional Waystar personnel) while they were still in mourning. You seemingly mocked them to their faces by joking around with your team in Swedish. You pulled a bait and switch by putting ATN back in the deal. You made them ride not just a golf cart but a gondola up to the top of a mountain to negotiate with you. And your NASDAQ master race Fulbright scholars had you well briefed to prey on Ken and Roman’s insecurities. You referred to them as a Logan tribute band. You referenced Ken’s disastrous acquisition of Vaulter. You insulted Logan to Roman’s face. You may trip on mushrooms for breakfast, but when it comes to business, you just want someone to say a number. So, when Ken and Roman refused to give you one, you threatened to go over their heads and deal directly with the board, and got enough of a rise out of Roman that he finally admitted that he hates you and will try to kill your takeover attempt. Will it matter now that you have fattened the offer and made Shiv your ally? We shall see, but when the (co) CEO threatens to toss sand in the gears and drag things out until you get bored and move on to your next flirtation, you should probably take him seriously no matter how little you think of him. 

3. Kendall and Roman Roy (last week: 1 and 2): We understand you enjoy the trappings of power. The additional support staff, sorry, “condolence assistants,” at your beck and call. The ovation you receive by literally just walking into a room. Being the sun around which everything orbits. But the learning curve of actually running the company is steep. You think reviewing briefing books is wrestling with ogres, shrug off a presidential campaign sitting in on editorial meetings with ATN personnel as a mutual back scratch and not a risk to journalistic integrity, and that does not even get into all the drama with the movie studio. So it is no surprise that your recon on Mattson did not make it much past a victory by his kicky ball team whose name you did not even bother learning. Of course, it was not all bad. Ken was not wrong in his assessment that GoJo would be a poor fit for ATN. Mattson may have dismissed it as a damaged brand of small men with large veins, but he has little understanding of American politics and the reliable source of money that comes from indulging angry, old people. And that matters when half the value of the deal will come from GoJo stock, which would suffer if ATN was converted into a sterile, IKEA-d Bloomberg knock off. The vibes from Mattson just added to Ken’s view that having struggled for so long to make it to the top, torpedoing the deal instead of closing it made more sense. And so, you pulled out a few tricks of your own to gum up the works - giving the GoJo staff a private viewing of the bloated, three-hour cut of Kalispatron: Hibernation, slow rolling things with the bankers, and leaking to the press about the bad deal mojo - but in the end, Mattson saw through it and did the thing your sister told him to do, juice the offer just enough to get the board behind it and hand you two the most Pyrrhic of victories. 

4. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 8): You had resigned yourself to being a field guide for GoJo staff who wanted to understand the taxonomy of the mighty oaks and deadwood in the Waystar forest. When you mustered the courage to perch while Lukas and his crew mulled the future of the French Republic, everyone could see you are well out of your depth, which is concerning considering you are one of the people running ATN. But all was not lost. Sure, you had to take a bit of a verbal beatdown from Shiv, but no matter how white your shoes might be, you are not above being a doormat others can wipe their feet on so long as it keeps you in the game. Did it feel good to be compared unfavorably with a more conventionally attractive (not to mention broader shouldered) man? Probably not. But you got a dinner invitation from your estranged wife, who saved you from the firing squad and dumped Cyd instead. Considering how things could have turned out, you did not do too badly for yourself. 

5. Gerri Kellman (last week: NR): A week ago, Roman gave you your walking papers. Now, not only are you still in the inner circle, your particular set of skills in making problems go away are about to be tested. You have been tossed a few curveballs in your time, but having to clean up the mess of a boss who sent an employee liters of his blood is a whole new level of crazy. That Shiv told Mattson you were just the person to handle such a delicate task suggests the inoculation you received by working for a pathogen named Logan Roy is going to come in handy. 

6. Karolina Novotny (last week: NR): You are solid, but the only reason you will have a job if the merger goes through is that Mattson dipped his quill in the company ink, a fact Shiv is sure to remind you of when she needs to call in a favor. 

7. Connor Roy (last week: 5): While your siblings are halfway around the world deciding the future of your family’s company, you are stuck in a funeral home in Manhattan fuming over a campaign rally with white working class voters in Cleveland that you had to cancel because you needed to stop Marcia from making Logan look like a Bay City Roller. 

8. Cousin Greg (last week: NR): You came to Norway expecting it to be an international stop on the Disgusting Brothers World Tour, you know, maybe bed an Arctic fox or two while the grown-ups hashed out the finer points of a deal you had every expectation was going to happen. Instead, you got handed the typical scut work of leaking deets anonymously to a reporter about the sour vibes and being set up as Tom’s foil when he got in over his head discussing world affairs. You may think of yourself as one corner of the Quad Squad, but the rest of the family sees you as a disposable pawn to be sacrificed when needed.

9. Shakespeare Frank Vernon and Karl Muller (last week: 6 and 9 (nice)): The $192/share strike price means you could care less whether you are on the kill list. You have both strapped on your compression socks, have one foot out the Gulfstream door, and are ready to pull the rip cords on your golden parachutes. 

10. Hugo Baker (last week: 10): Gluing yourself to Ken like a barnacle, handing him a coterie of new helpers, and leading the applause when he entered the C-suite were all good ways to stay in his good graces, but your ham-handed attempt to psych out your counterpart across the Waystar-GoJo divide by dissing his choke job in the Olympics was ill-advised. Your future with the company (not to mention your spot in the Power Rankings) does not look promising. 

Not Ranked: Willa Roy. Marcia Roy. Ebba. Oskar. Ray. Andreas Bloc. Jess Jordan. Stewy Houssani. Chairman Mattson’s Reeducation Camp. Cyd Peach. Ski Jumping. Frozen Blood Bricks. Sundar's Cargo Shorts. Hanna-Barbera Business School. Old Lady France. The Great Escape. Saunas. 

Honeymoon States

Connor’s Wedding

Rehearsal

The Munsters

Seasons 2 and 3 Power Rankings

Succession Power Rankings - Honeymoon States

This week on Succession … Connor buys a house, Shiv is going to be a mom, and Ken gets a promotion. And now, the Power Rankings:

1. Kendall Roy (last week: T-3): Your dad can haunt you from the grave with an errant pencil mark. Publicly, you wave around Logan’s side letter as irrefutable evidence of his wish that you take over in the event of his demise. Privately, that ambiguous black line looks far more like a strikethrough than an underline. You what he thought of you - that you were incapable of running things because you were not a “killer.” That he spent his life cleaning up every mess you made. That you are an unserious person. Added to that, senior management thinks you and your siblings are screw ups, sorry, “not constitutionally well-equipped” to fly the plane and yet, by dint of your name being on that piece of paper combined with a little arm twisting and ego massaging, you have inherited the kingdom. Is there an upside? Sure. You are still paying lip service to a three-way partnership of equals and tell anyone who will listen your goal is to get the GoJo deal done and then move on with a merged media empire that combines ATN and Pierce. However, your first steps in the (shared) big chair give us pause. Operation Embalm Lenin was right out of corporate succession planning 101 - a seamless generational transition supported by nostalgic photos of you and your dad and the golden ticket of a document confirming you as his successor. With the public good will engendered by your dad’s passing and the natural inclination to rally-around-the-flag in an uncertain time, you probably could have shepherded Waystar’s sale to GoJo without much ado. Instead, you opted for the post-Stalinist model of erasure. Was it driven by your own insecurity or a desire to get back at the old man even though he is no longer around? We think so, and allowing emotion to get the better of you by green lighting a whisper campaign that will portray your father as out-of-touch, erratic, and not in control in his final days is a risky gambit. Karolina and Hugo might try to spin this as a fresh start narrative, but you also know it is unlikely to sing in the court of public opinion (plus, Roman hates it). 

2. Roman Roy (last week: T-3): Even though you have been MIA from the company for months while you, Ken, and Shiv were putting together The Hundred (before bidding on Pierce), you are still technically the COO. Being listed on the emergency draft plan was just enough to give you a modest glow up to co-CEO since names on a piece of paper are coin of the realm when the king dies.

3. Stewy Houssani (last week: NR): You have known Kendall long enough to be deeply skeptical of his ability to bring home a deal that is effectively at the one yard line no matter how much he tells you that he’s twin track, dead inside but ready to dive into the work needed to make it happen. And yet, what are your options when your old pal asks you to do him a solid the day after his father dies? Your pubes have been singed before and you know all of Ken’s faults, but at this point, you just need to hope he can keep it together long enough for you to cash out your stake and move on to the next takeover target. 

4. Shiv Roy (last week: T-3): Roman has “pre-grieved” your father’s passing and Ken is catatonic behind closed doors, but you are wearing your heartbreak on your sleeve. It is bad enough you feel responsible for Logan’s death, but you are also expecting a baby, a fact you seem, at best, ambivalent about (perhaps owing to the fact your mother called into question whether you should be one when you two chatted in Italy). And when it came time to play musical chairs to decide who should take over, you are the one left without a seat. We understand the emotional trauma you are going through has you off your game, and we are not unmindful of the selflessness you displayed by not putting up more of a fight, but your contributions to the company extended well beyond the strategic review Kendall dismissed as “daddy make work.” You talked Kira off the ledge when she was ready to blow open the cruise line scandal. You locked down a settlement with Sandi just before the shareholder vote. And your left-leaning politics helped grease the skids with Nan Pierce. What you got for all this was a pinky swear from your brothers that the three of you are equal partners. Of course, Logan gave you a similar commitment back at the summer palace when he promised you would succeed him and look where that got you.

5. Connor and Willa Roy (last week: 7 and 9): A honeymoon spent in swing states was probably not the original plan, but you are not above taking advantage of Logan’s passing if it means you might get a modest bump in the polls. While we remain dubious of your chances of moving into the White House, redecorating your newly-bought townhouse so can cosplay being the First Couple of Manhattan is not a bad consolation prize.

6. Shakespeare Frank Vernon (last week: 6): This is your moment to shine, Frank. Do you have it in you to be the eminence grise Kendall needs now that he is in charge or are you eyeing the exit, ready to pull the cord on your own golden parachute?

7. Marcia Roy (last week: NR): We prefer not thinking about you and Logan engaging in intimate phone chats, but interrupting your never-ending shopping spree in Milan to flip the Park Avenue townhouse you no longer want for a cool $63 million is not a bad day’s work. That you got a chance to humiliate Kerry was just icing on the cake.

8. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 2): If you are going to attempt to ride your bicycle across Niagara Falls, you need more than “I am here to serve” if you plan on making it to the other side. You are caught between two worlds. When you tossed your hat in the ring for interim CEO, Karl (as a friend) politely presented the negative case against you - an interloper whose patron is dead and whose wife does not even like him. Having been shot down so cleanly, you tried to make amends with the kids, but Kendall saw through your limp attempt to bury the hatchet, Shiv literally recoiled when you tried to touch her, and Roman blew you off as “Tightrope Tommy” when you tried to convince him to challenge Ken’s claim to the top spot. In the end, you were back in a familiar place, at the metaphorical kid’s table whispering gossip to Greg.

9. Karl Muller (last week: NR): Having failed to convince Frank to violate his duty as the executor of Logan’s estate by making that side letter disappear, and having precisely zero chance of serving as interim CEO, you are left to take pot shots at Tom and question whether any of the kids has what it takes to run things. Your assessment of the group was not inaccurate, but as you also know, irrelevant. The stuff you did with cable is in the 1990s rearview mirror. Now, you have your escape plan at the ready, you just need to collect your severance so you can spend your golden years on a Greek island. 

10. Hugo Baker (last week: NR): You broke the first rule of working for the Roys. You handed someone actionable intel that could be leveraged against you. Of course, you have no one to blame but yourself. Had you not blurted out insider information to your daughter so she could dump her Waystar stock just before the bottom fell out, you would not be doing covert ops for Kendall as he looks to cement his position atop the org chart.

Not Ranked: Cousin Greg. Gerri Kellman. Karolina. Lukas Mattson. Kerry Castellabate. Colin Stiles. Ron Petkus. Strap Ons. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Oskar. Peter Munion. Wonder Bread and Steak Frites. Compression Socks. Frank E. Campbell’s Funeral Home. Fish Tacos. Laphroaig. Three Gauguins. Sudoku. 

Connor’s Wedding

Rehearsal

The Munsters

Seasons 2 and 3 Power Rankings

Succession Power Rankings - Connor's Wedding

This week on Succession … Logan slips, Roman flips, and Connor gets hitched. And now, the Power Rankings: 

1. Logan Roy (posthumous)(last week: 1): Your demise was not so much untimely as it was poorly timed. Everything hung in the balance. The GoJo deal, the strategic refocus, the fate of two of your top lieutenants, but when you are in your 80s and still negotiating multi-billion dollar deals while playing puppet master to your coterie of family members and advisors, it should come as no surprise that your ticker might stop running at any time. It turned out Gil Eavis’s observation about you was spot on. The institution you leave behind is a reflection of you. In the aftermath of your passing, the same paranoia, insecurity, and scheming that defined your leadership continued apace. We can debate the butterfly effect of your decision making; if you had not asked Ken to take the fall for the cruise line fiasco or cut the kids off at the knees in Italy, perhaps you would not be taking your final breaths 35,000 feet up in the air while a flight attendant tries to keep your heart pumping until you reach terra firma. But does it matter? To paraphrase the Power Rankings’ favorite band, you’re gone, and nothing is going to bring you back. 

2. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 4): We continue to be impressed with your dexterity, Tom. While Logan was still ambulatory, you were nestled inside the inner circle with some fresh Greggies you roped in from the pigpen, ready to help finalize the deal with Mattson. Your underlying Midwestern humanity shone through when you were put in the impossible position of being the virtual lifeline between the kids and their dad as he lay dying on the floor of his private jet. Then you pivoted right back to sharp-elbowed infighter, directing Greg to delete the “logistics” folder from your computer while recognizing that the loss of your protector, combined with your pending divorce from Shiv, might leave you out in the cold. So, when the plane landed and you had the chance, you did what you could to console your soon-to-be ex-wife who rebuffed your clumsy attempt to comfort her but wanted you riding in the car when she left the airport. A master class of balancing the personal and professional we frankly did not think you had in you. 

3. The Rebel Alliance (last week: 3): The Power Rankings sympathize with you. We too lost our father during a period of estrangement and understand the gumbo of emotion that comes with not being able to say good-bye properly. Of course, we never described him as a human gaslight or left a message asking if he was in fact a “c” word. But we do know from emotional scars and so it was unsurprising you were at a loss as Logan’s life leaked out of him. The idea you might both lash out and tell him you loved him was completely on brand. Roman, the neediest and easiest to manipulate, refused to accept his father’s passing. Ken, barking out orders for conference calls with doctors, simply highlighted the powerlessness we all have - no matter our wealth - when a loved one dies. Shiv, whose affection for her dad curdled into a poisonous desire for revenge, was hoping the bad news was about their mom, not Logan. It was a grim tableau, but we also saw the mutual support. Ken’s level-headed thinking about next steps. Shiv’s ability to slap together a sober, but stabilizing statement for the press. Roman being deputized to call Mattson. A group hug before going their separate ways. Can it all hold together now that the chessboard has been flipped over and the one thing they each wanted since they were old enough to want things (h/t Tyrion Lannister) is there for the taking? We are about to find out. 

4. Gerri Kellman (last week: NR): You have worked for Logan long enough to know that loyalty is a one-way street. No matter how many fires you put out, if you make the old man look foolish by say, snickering at his girlfriend’s audition tape, you are going to be shown the door (albeit with your mouth stuffed with gold). But with Logan out of the picture and a muddle atop Waystar’s org chart, you may have received a stay of execution. After all, who better to provide stability than a former interim CEO with the unique ability to dance the company through rainstorms without getting anyone wet? 

5. Lukas Mattson (last week: 2): For all your bluster and grumbling about the ATN carve-out, you were still ready to make a deal. Now that Logan is dead, all bets are off. You could walk away and go back to testing mattresses (perhaps helping you sleep better) and shoveling junk food down your gullet or engage with the Roy kids knowing they are going to try to squeeze a few more krona out of you. 

6. Shakespeare Frank Vernon (last week: NR): You have known Logan Roy for 40 years, which means you also know that when it comes time to issue the press release announcing his death, it is important for you to be mentioned by name. You know, for “market confidence.” 

7. Connor Roy (last week: 7): When your dad decides to blow off your wedding day because a deal might disappear, it is no wonder you are so warped you believe that your name and wealth entitle you to be President of the United States and you can purchase a wife like most of us grab off-the-rack suits at a department store. Instead of sinking all that money into a campaign that garnered one whole percent in the polls, you should have invested it in a good therapist. 

8. Cousin Greg (last week: 6): The kids hate you, Tom now has a phalanx of mini Gregs to service him, and even before he passed away, Logan found you visually aggravating due to the clumsy way you handled the Kerry situation. You flushed a $250 million inheritance down the toilet for the opportunity to be a deck hand on the Good Ship Fuck Off. Sound decision-making is not your strong suit. 

9. Willa Ferreyra (last week: 9): They say you always remember your wedding day. When the Power Rankings got married, our (now ex) wife hurled a shoe at her mother like she was an Iraqi reporter at a George W. Bush press conference. You got married as your father-in-law was dying and the wealth you assumed Connor would one day inherit was suddenly up in the air. Memorable? Sure, but probably not for the reasons you were hoping for. 

10. Kerry Castellabate (last week: 8): You are not the first young woman to hitch her wagon to an octogenarian assuming there would be a payout for putting out. Now that Logan is gone, you can forget about being an ATN anchor and we expect you, like he, will disappear from the Power Rankings forever. 

Not Ranked: Hugo Baker. Karolina. Karl Muller. Jess Jordan. Colin Stiles. Teterboro Airport. Reagan’s Funeral (with tweaks). Catching A Foul Ball At Yankee Stadium. Loony Cake. 

Rehearsal

The Munsters

Seasons 2 and 3 Power Rankings 

Succession Power Rankings - Rehearsal

This week on Succession … Willa bails, Connor fails, and Kerry flails. And now, the Power Rankings: 

1. Logan Roy (last week: 2): You don’t do apologies. Divide and conquer is more your jam.  Sure, over your 50 year business career you have learned more than a few tricks. You know how to play the little head games like denying access to the company chopper or floating a list of pit bull lawyers to your son-in-law so your daughter is denied top shelf legal representation, but you do not get to the top of the heap by being a glorified prankster. No, you see the world in three dimensions and you understand people. That birthday text from Roman gave you the faintest glimmer of a crack in the kids’ united front and that was all you needed to start driving a wedge between them. You played along with their impromptu therapy session and even coughed out the word “sorry,” but you quickly tired of their well-worn list of grievances. Were you attempting some of your own negotiating 101 in claiming the GoJo deal is a good one and sealing it will allow everyone to start a new chapter? Of course you were. You know that Ken, Shiv, and Roman can tank the deal by siding with Sandi and Stewy, so you dismissed your own children as unserious people while cracking open that back channel to Roman, playing to his vanity, and offering him a welcome mat back into your orbit. 

2. Lukas Mattson (last week: NR): We still don’t have a great read on you. Are you a social media panty flasher or a serious businessman? Lounging around in your undershirt while you shovel potato chips and soda in your mouth suggests all the sturm und drang around your acquisition is starting to bore you. We know you are afflicted with that unique form of Nordic ennui, but you also show a casual disregard for rules. Whether you are tweeting out non-public information and risking an SEC slap on the wrist or leaning on a Waystar board member to support the deal, your behavior certainly codes as aggressive but we don’t know if you are bluffing or ready to launch your nukes. 

3. The Rebel Alliance (last week: 1): That did not take long. It is easy enough to hang out in one of your many homes hate-watching PGN, bemoaning the lack of on-air eye candy, calling its shows dookie and fantasizing about the programming you are going to replace their current watching-paint-dry debates about NATO membership with, but to borrow from Tyrion Lannister, you’re in the big game now. The Next Gen Roys may think they have a song to sing, but you’re being moved around a chess board you do not fully understand by actual grandmasters. Tom pulled a move Shiv should have seen coming a mile away since, you know, Logan did the same thing to her mother in their divorce and Ken’s head is turned by a one-sheet comp document from Stewy. It is no wonder Roman is reconsidering his options. After all, he pitched a new version of ATN to Jeryd Mecken in Virginia that would be light on actual news and heavy on e-girls vaping and spinning conspiracy theories while Ken is throwing out ideas for a foreign report melatonin news hour and shows about sub-saharan Africa. If the GoJo merger goes kablooey so does your chance at Pierce, but unless you agree on a strategy and stick together, your father’s assessment of you will again be proven right. 

4. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 5): We like what we see Tom. Sure, your hype man skills leave a bit to be desired, but your ability to play the inside game at Waystar is much improved from when we first met you. When Logan complained about the size of the new election center and the air conditioning bill for it, you saw it as an opportunity to toss Cyd under the bus, casually mentioning how much she likes it and slipping in a comment about her less-than-stellar work ethic (“she doesn’t tend to stay late”). When Logan asked for your assessment of Kerry’s on camera abilities, you politely, but clearly messaged that she was not ready for prime time. And when Logan tasked you with breaking the bad news to her, you avoided getting your hands dirty by outsourcing the job to Greg. Depriving your soon-to-be ex-wife of quality representation was just the cherry on the sundae. 

5. Sandi (with an eye) Furness and Stewy Houssani (last week: NR): When you tried telling Logan about your concerns with the GoJo deal, he pawned you off on Karl, so you were resigned to a symbolic protest vote against selling Waystar until Shiv ran into money trouble and Stewy convinced Ken the offer price was a little light. Now, you may have the ability to scuttle the deal, but what is the end game? You are corporate raiders, not media moguls. Are a few extra zeroes going to make that much of a difference when you cash in your chips? 

6. Cousin Greg (last week: 6): Your diplomatic skills leave a lot to be desired. Of course, when handed a task that is harder and more important than the one between Israelis and Palestinians, it is no surprise you wound up screwing the pooch. Naive twenty-somethings may be susceptible to your unique brand of awkwardness, but if you try to BS your way through a meeting with Logan’s current paramour who expects to parlay her position beside him into an on-air anchor gig, you cannot be surprised when she sees right through your sham focus group lie and threatens to pull you apart like string cheese. 

7. Connor Roy (last week: NR): You were not wrong about your siblings. They are needy love sponges who want dad’s approval, but painting yourself as a plant that grows on rocks and lives off insects is a bit much. You are every bit as desirous of his approval as they are, which is why you gave him your location and the deets on their 180 on the GoJo deal so he could try and talk them off the ledge. But doing your dad a solid cannot mask the odor of desperation that surrounds you. Warbling out Famous Blue Raincoat while you cyberstalk your runaway bride suggests your superpower is a bottomless ability to be humiliated, not living without love.  

8. Kerry Castellabate (last week: 4): We get it, Kerry. When the Power Rankings were doing grunt work for ~ very important people ~ in Washington, D.C. we too expected a glow up in the form of a well-earned promotion. Your mistake appears to have been trusting Logan to honor your request, which is surprising considering how many times you have been in a room when he has gone back on his word. But hey, congratulations on getting your betrayal cherry popped. 

9. Willa Ferreyera (last week: NR): This all must have seemed much simpler when you and Connor met. The Power Rankings are not the morality police and so we never judged your sugar baby hustle. The City is full of starving artists looking for a deep pocket to help make their dreams come true. But when your play tanked and Connor decided to drop nine figures on a quixotic quest for the White House that required the imprimatur of marriage to obscure the more sordid details of how you met, this whole thing became a bit too real. Fortunately for you, Connor does not actually care whether you love him or not, but is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? 

10. Jess Jordan (last week: NR): Yours is one of the more thankless jobs out there and this week was no different. Limited screen time focused exclusively on cleaning up messes and massaging egos cannot be worth whatever Ken is paying you. 

Not Ranked: Gerri Kellman. Shakespeare Frank Vernon. Hugo Baker. Karolina. Cyd Peach. Karl Muller. Colin Stiles. Cyrus Tellis. Eyeballs Emoji. Homework, The Show. Desperado. Billy Ray Cyrus’s Kentucky Fried Sh*t Shack. Jaws, If Everyone In Jaws Worked For Jaws. The Maghreb.

The Munsters

Seasons 2 and 3 Power Rankings 

Succession Power Rankings - The Munsters

 

This week on Succession … Logan celebrates a birthday, Ken, Shiv, and Roman make a play, and Greg gets a little kinky. And now, the Power Rankings:

1. The Rebel Alliance (final Season 3 ranking: T-8): Team work makes the dream work and if you had spent this episode honing your pitch, locking down graphic design, and securing more high end talent for The Hundred instead of pilfering PGM from Logan, your dad might have (grudgingly) acknowledged how nice it was to see the three of you all fist bumps and hugs and kisses working together. Was it all peaches and cream? No. The subtle digs, eye rolls, and skepticism borne of a lifetime in competition with one another were all still there, but … less so. Every argument did not lead to someone storming out or screaming profanities. Consensus, or at least what passes for it, was the name of the game and when Tom inadvertently dropped some intel you could monetize, you saw the appeal of a turnkey operation that has fallen on hard times as a better (albeit more expensive) bet than a start up that may or may not be the revolutionary news media concern of the 21st century. To be sure, the flaws are still there - Roman’s dismissive treatment of the staff, Ken’s overinflated view of his business acumen (like his buyout of Vaulter, he is paying more than he should), Shiv’s inexperience - but you knew Nan likes Shiv, hates your dad, and for all her kvelling that money is a construct, wants to get paid. So, you made a conversation ending offer that has the added benefit of denying your dad an acquisition he desperately wants. We shall see if this united front remains intact when the bill comes due for the asset you wildly overvalued. 

2. Logan Roy (final Season 3 ranking: 1): Instead of asking why everyone is so happy, pause for a minute and ask why you are so unhappy. Oh right, maybe it is because you treat every relationship in your life as transactional, which explains why the only people celebrating your birthday are the sycophants, hangers on, and, in your words, pygmies, who rely on your largesse for their livelihood and are naturally reluctant to take you up on your offer of an impromptu roasting while you await word on the deal for PGM. Your family (aside from Connor, who needs *another* $100 million bridge loan) is nowhere to be found. That you need to enlist your security guard for a philosophical discussion of the afterlife and cold call Cyd to complain about the ball sack in a toupee you see on your TV screen as you watch ATN’s late night programming says something about your isolation and your head space. It is natural for a man to ponder his mortality as he ages, but perhaps you also realize the legacy you have assiduously worked to create is crumbling. While you unleashed venom at your kids, dismissing them for just saying the highest number, you ignored the fact they absorbed your business philosophy - "money wins."  

3. Nan Pierce (final Season 3 ranking: NR): Yes Nan, numbers are confusing, and we get that you are at sea. The man who offered you $25 billion back at Tern Haven is now treating your family business like its in the bargain bin at 75 percent off. But not to worry, his overeager children have swooped in with a face-saving bid at the eleventh hour. Is there still a red dot on the price tag? Sure, but when you want to sell and begin a comfortable retirement, is it really your job to worry that some fourth-generation-from-now Pierce heir might have to <gasp> do actual work instead of living off the interest on the deal you are about to make? 

4. Kerry Castellbate (final Season 3 ranking: 5): With Marcia off in Milan on an indefinite shopping trip, you have done a nice bit of rebranding. While the more puritanical might tsk tsk your arrangement with Logan, you have become a “friend, assistant, and advisor.” A hostess who intercepts non-vetted party guests. An intermediary who tries to bridge the gap between your boss and his now estranged children who openly ridicule you. And a confidante who has been brought into the fold for counsel when deals hang in the balance. It’s a grey area, but you are showing your elbows are as sharp as the cut on your bangs. The Power Rankings are taking note. 

5. Tom Wamgsgans (final Season 3 ranking: 3): Betraying your wife has paid dividends. You no longer have to look over your shoulder worrying she might cock block you as she did at Argestes. Logan has entrusted you with landing the plane on his post-GoJo plan to acquire Pierce and focus exclusively on his media empire. But is this really you Tom? Another rich guy in New York City putting notches on his bed post uncertain whether Logan will even keep you around once you and Shiv divorce? You have been around the Roy family long enough to know that there is a clear division of labor in Logan’s world. Family is never truly exiled while the hired help are always on tenterhooks wondering if the axe will fall on them. Attempting to straddle that line so your future is secure requires a level of deftness and tact you may not possess, especially when the Pierce deal blew up because you told Shiv about your dinner with Naomi. If there is a silver lining, that heart-to-heart with Shiv was a good reminder why your marriage did not work. While you tried to be earnest, she was gas lighting your entire relationship, pretending she did not treat you like a disposable meat puppet.

6. Cousin Greg (final Season 3 ranking: 4): We get it, Greg. Once upon a time, the Power Rankings were up and coming in the world of politics, seduced by the sudden presence of women who showed us interest. Your confidence is sky high and you have no qualms about pulling out the family card when Kerry questions your plus one at the birthday party or engaging in some below-the-equator rummaging with Bridget in one of the many guest bedrooms in Uncle Loge’s townhouse. But you need to bring more to the table than newfound swagger if you want to advance in this game. 

7. Colin Stiles (final Season 3 ranking: NR): When it comes to security, you do it well. You are discreet, keep your mouth shut, and do not ask a lot of questions. When the job description drifts into the existential realm of the meaning of life, you are not quite as sure footed. Thankfully, Logan does not actually care about what you have to say as much as he values your mere presence while he ruminates. But not to worry, as soon as you get back to his mansion, Kerry has a cell phone for you to go through to scrub any record of a party Logan barely bothered attending. 

8. Cyrus Tellis (final Season 3 ranking: NR): The blinding insight you learned at Harvard Business School was that a company is worth what the highest bidder is willing to pay for it. Perfect. Thank you, Captain Obvious. In the real world, you will quickly learn that working for the Roy kids is not so different than working for the Roy dad. They are demanding, mercurial, and will toss you overboard faster than you can say “no real person involved” if things go south even if it’s not your fault. If you don’t quit, your only other option is to grin and bear it while the math on your multi-million dollar deal fee dances in your head.

9. Connor Roy (final Season 3 ranking: 7): You are nothing if not consistent. Time after time you have shown yourself to be the world heavyweight champion of losing your fortune. Whether it was blowing a quick $10 million on political consultants, millions more on tons of mite-infested sand for your faux girlfriend’s failed play, or the nine figures you have burned through for one whole percent in your quixotic, third-party quest for the White House, you are like a one-man economic stimulus package for people who know how to take advantage of you. 

10. Bridget (final Season 3 ranking: NR): Are you a hostile corporate asset or just a social climber gutsy enough to click a selfie with Logan to goose your social media presence? Either way, getting frisky in the home of one of the most powerful business leaders in the world is the kind of thing to check off your bucket list on what we expect to be you and your capaciously large handbag's one-and-done appearance on the Power Rankings. 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy. Willa Ferreyra. Gerri Kellman. Shakespeare Frank Vernon. Karl Muller. Naomi Pierce. Bun Pierce. Cyd Peach. Lukas Mattson. Mondale the Dog. The Disgusting Brothers. Brass Bands, Confetti Canons, Jet Packs, and Bum Fights. Crunchy Peanut Butter. The Old Wacky Tabacky. 1933.

Seasons 2 and 3 Power Rankings