Monday, April 24, 2023

Succession Power Rankings - Kill List

This week on Succession   the kids take a trip, Lukas makes a pitch, and Connor has a glitch. And now, the Power Rankings:


1. Shiv Roy (last week: 4): Mattson may have invoked the name of that famed crime fighter Scooby Doo, but you were the one who unraveled the mystery of what was happening among your brothers and him. You have been in enough rooms with enough politicians and powerful men to see the bigger picture. While Ken and Roman were keeping you in the loop nominally, when it came time to talk turkey, you were frozen out. On the PR front, you suspected (correctly) that the anonymous leaks to the press criticizing your dad were coming from inside the company. You also sized up Lukas perfectly, sharing just enough about the wobbly state of your own personal life to open the spigot that let him riff in a cocaine haze about sending frozen bricks of blood to his ex-girlfriend. And in that moment, you pounced. First, by clinically dissecting how he needed to handle Ebba; second, by flagging Gerri and Karolina as people he could rely on to navigate that and other issues that may pop up; and third, by suggesting increasing his offer for the whole company would seal the deal. As the brain trust flew back to the States, Mattson goosed his offer by five bucks a share, you accumulated a few allies who were not even aware they are now in your debt, and you were not above a little gloating, sending Mattson a discreet photo of your brothers’ dour expressions as they saw their plans to scuttle the deal go up in smoke. 


2. Lukas Mattson (last week: NR): After slow rolling the deal while Logan was still alive, you suddenly speeded things up once he was gone because it turns out you wanted the whole kingdom, something he never would have agreed to. So you pulled out every trick from the negotiating playbook. You dragged the Roy kids to Norway on short notice (and with the late request of additional Waystar personnel) while they were still in mourning. You seemingly mocked them to their faces by joking around with your team in Swedish. You pulled a bait and switch by putting ATN back in the deal. You made them ride not just a golf cart but a gondola up to the top of a mountain to negotiate with you. And your NASDAQ master race Fulbright scholars had you well briefed to prey on Ken and Roman’s insecurities. You referred to them as a Logan tribute band. You referenced Ken’s disastrous acquisition of Vaulter. You insulted Logan to Roman’s face. You may trip on mushrooms for breakfast, but when it comes to business, you just want someone to say a number. So, when Ken and Roman refused to give you one, you threatened to go over their heads and deal directly with the board, and got enough of a rise out of Roman that he finally admitted that he hates you and will try to kill your takeover attempt. Will it matter now that you have fattened the offer and made Shiv your ally? We shall see, but when the (co) CEO threatens to toss sand in the gears and drag things out until you get bored and move on to your next flirtation, you should probably take him seriously no matter how little you think of him. 


3. Kendall and Roman Roy (last week: 1 and 2): We understand you enjoy the trappings of power. The additional support staff, sorry, “condolence assistants,” at your beck and call. The ovation you receive by literally just walking into a room. Being the sun around which everything orbits. But the learning curve of actually running the company is steep. You think reviewing briefing books is wrestling with ogres, shrug off a presidential campaign sitting in on editorial meetings with ATN personnel as a mutual back scratch and not a risk to journalistic integrity, and that does not even get into all the drama with the movie studio. So it is no surprise that your recon on Mattson did not make it much past a victory by his kicky ball team whose name you did not even bother learning. Of course, it was not all bad. Ken was not wrong in his assessment that GoJo would be a poor fit for ATN. Mattson may have dismissed it as a damaged brand of small men with large veins, but he has little understanding of American politics and the reliable source of money that comes from indulging angry, old people. And that matters when half the value of the deal will come from GoJo stock, which would suffer if ATN was converted into a sterile, IKEA-d Bloomberg knock off. The vibes from Mattson just added to Ken’s view that having struggled for so long to make it to the top, torpedoing the deal instead of closing it made more sense. And so, you pulled out a few tricks of your own to gum up the works - giving the GoJo staff a private viewing of the bloated, three-hour cut of Kalispatron: Hibernation, slow rolling things with the bankers, and leaking to the press about the bad deal mojo - but in the end, Mattson saw through it and did the thing your sister told him to do, juice the offer just enough to get the board behind it and hand you two the most Pyrrhic of victories. 


4. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 8): You had resigned yourself to being a field guide for GoJo staff who wanted to understand the taxonomy of the mighty oaks and deadwood in the Waystar forest. When you mustered the courage to perch while Lukas and his crew mulled the future of the French Republic, everyone could see you are well out of your depth, which is concerning considering you are one of the people running ATN. But all was not lost. Sure, you had to take a bit of a verbal beatdown from Shiv, but no matter how white your shoes might be, you are not above being a doormat others can wipe their feet on so long as it keeps you in the game. Did it feel good to be compared unfavorably with a more conventionally attractive (not to mention broader shouldered) man? Probably not. But you got a dinner invitation from your estranged wife, who saved you from the firing squad and dumped Cyd instead. Considering how things could have turned out, you did not do too badly for yourself. 


5. Gerri Kellman (last week: NR): A week ago, Roman gave you your walking papers. Now, not only are you still in the inner circle, your particular set of skills in making problems go away are about to be tested. You have been tossed a few curveballs in your time, but having to clean up the mess of a boss who sent an employee liters of his blood is a whole new level of crazy. That Shiv told Mattson you were just the person to handle such a delicate task suggests the inoculation you received by working for a pathogen named Logan Roy is going to come in handy. 


6. Karolina Novotny (last week: NR): You are solid, but the only reason you will have a job if the merger goes through is that Mattson dipped his quill in the company ink, a fact Shiv is sure to remind you of when she needs to call in a favor. 


7. Connor Roy (last week: 5): While your siblings are halfway around the world deciding the future of your family’s company, you are stuck in a funeral home in Manhattan fuming over a campaign rally with white working class voters in Cleveland that you had to cancel because you needed to stop Marcia from making Logan look like a Bay City Roller. 


8. Cousin Greg (last week: NR): You came to Norway expecting it to be an international stop on the Disgusting Brothers World Tour, you know, maybe bed an Arctic fox or two while the grown-ups hashed out the finer points of a deal you had every expectation was going to happen. Instead, you got handed the typical scut work of leaking deets anonymously to a reporter about the sour vibes and being set up as Tom’s foil when he got in over his head discussing world affairs. You may think of yourself as one corner of the Quad Squad, but the rest of the family sees you as a disposable pawn to be sacrificed when needed.


9. Shakespeare Frank Vernon and Karl Muller (last week: 6 and 9 (nice)): The $192/share strike price means you could care less whether you are on the kill list. You have both strapped on your compression socks, have one foot out the Gulfstream door, and are ready to pull the rip cords on your golden parachutes. 


10. Hugo Baker (last week: 10): Gluing yourself to Ken like a barnacle, handing him a coterie of new helpers, and leading the applause when he entered the C-suite were all good ways to stay in his good graces, but your ham-handed attempt to psych out your counterpart across the Waystar-GoJo divide by dissing his choke job in the Olympics was ill-advised. Your future with the company (not to mention your spot in the Power Rankings) does not look promising. 


Not Ranked: Willa Roy. Marcia Roy. Ebba. Oskar. Ray. Andreas Bloc. Jess Jordan. Stewy Houssani. Chairman Mattson’s Reeducation Camp. Cyd Peach. Ski Jumping. Frozen Blood Bricks. Sundar's Cargo Shorts. Hanna-Barbera Business School. Old Lady France. The Great Escape. Saunas. 


Honeymoon States

Connor’s Wedding

Rehearsal

The Munsters

Seasons 2 and 3 Power Rankings

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