This week on Succession … Logan hosts the family. Shiv gets an offer. Connor places a bid. And now, the Power Rankings:
1. Logan Roy: When you are, in the words of your wayward number one son, “the man, the myth, the legend” single-handedly holding up one of the largest media conglomerates in the world, it is easy to understand why you might be reluctant to cash in your chips instead of fighting a hostile takeover. What is the use of all the trappings of wealth and power - the private investigators, the honeytrap hookers, the Senate cock sucks eager to do your bidding - if you are just going to putter around a $200 million retreat for your remaining days? Sure, you’ve lost a few miles off your fastball and Kendall handed Sandy and Stewy a bunch of oppo they can leak to the press, but taking an eleven-digit golden parachute and fucking off to an easy retirement is not your jam. No, you’re a fighter. Whether it’s a contractor chiseling you on some renovations or a rival trying to buy your company, you don’t back down, you don’t compromise. You’re going to fuck them on the business and bleed them dry, and if that doesn’t work, you’re going to send men to kill their pets and fuck their wives and it will never end. *That* is who you are.
2. Shiv Roy: Are we really having this conversation? Apparently. Sure, the CV is thin on corporate experience and your politics are not exactly simpatico with dad’s right wing noise machine, but given the chance to toss out an elevator pitch of your vision for Waystar Royco, you hit it out of the park. Might this simply be another head game your dad is playing to keep everyone off balance? Perhaps. But you’re the only one he made an offer to, so for now, you’re sitting in the catbird seat.
3. Sandy Furness and Stewy Hosseini: You’ve lost the element of surprise and Ken left you at the altar, but you’ve got deep pockets, lots of useful intel, and spite, and that ain’t nothing. Logan is wounded and the bench isn’t that deep. If you can keep the pressure on and convince some risk-averse shareholders that sticking with the Roys is actually the more dangerous route, you may well pull this off.
4. Roman Roy: You’re … what’s the word … glib? ballsy? shameless? sociopathic? enough to sit in front of a roomful of reporters and pretend like you don’t know why and are not to blame for that satellite blowing up on the launch pad but bullshitting can only get you so far. When Logan gave you a chance to sketch out your plans for the company’s future, you barfed out a bunch of nonsensical corporate buzzwords but offered nothing tangible or concrete. Your older brother is going to be on a short leash and between his betrayal and lingering drug problem, he is unlikely to threaten you. Your older sister has not spent a minute inside the company tent and is at least feigning support for your move up the corporate ladder, but process of elimination is not a great strategy for reaching the top.
5. Kendall Roy: We all process loss differently, but it’s pretty clear you could have used a few more days in that Icelandic spa to wash away the memory of driving your car off a bridge, watching your passenger struggle (and fail) to escape, and then fleeing the scene to avoid responsibility. Having your siblings kick the crap out of you is no fun, but Logan has welcomed you back into the fold, even if it is just to be his messenger boy. You’re at sea, wobbly, and out of sorts; to add insult to injury, Jess is nowhere to be found and Greg is doing a *terrible* job sourcing you coke.
6. Colin: There are two things the Roys value in their employees - discretion and efficiency. You sir, crushed both. First, you swept up the mess (dead body) Kendall left behind in England - “death by misadventure” is all anyone will remember of poor Andrew Dodds. Then, with the dispassion of a Vulcan, you walked Ken through just enough details to let him know there was nothing to worry about without once betraying any judgment of his action.
7. Tom Wambsgans: You won’t be slipping on the Big Trousers in the C suite anytime soon, but chair of Global News is not a bad consolation prize. One problem. If you thought burying corporate misdeeds in parks and cruises was messy, you’re now in a “two contender, one chair” situation with Cyd Peach while your wife just passed you in the left hand lane on a rocket ride to the job you thought she wanted you to have.
8. Gerri Kellman: The next CEO could be anyone. It could be you. Well, you or a stuffed shirt. It won’t be you, but you’re fine.
9. Karolina: You literally had one job. You might think a PR executive is supposed to come up with a quippy line Kendall can regurgitate on camera to a cable news talking head or on the phone with institutional investors (“I saw their plan, dad’s plan was better”) but when you work for the Roy family, it is far more important to track down Jess because KENDALL NEEDS A STRAIGHTENER FOR GOD’S SAKES but instead, you farmed out that assignment to Greg, to predictable results (see below).
10. Cousin Greg: Handing Kendall some stepped on park coke that might destroy his septum is a dangerous game, Mr. Hirsch. If you plan on sticking around the Power Rankings for Season 2, you need to up your game.
Not Ranked: Connor Roy. Marcia Roy. Willa. Jamie Laird. The penthouses during Fashion Week. Ragnor Magnusson. Napoleon’s Penis. A bag of raccoons. The silica mud treatment. Stewy’s friend card.
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