Tuesday, December 14, 2021

Succession Power Rankings - All The Bells Say

This week on Succession, Caroline ties the knot, the kids plan a coup, and Tom makes a move. And now, the Power Rankings:

 

1. Logan Roy (last week: 1): You left Dundee all those years ago and arrived in an America smelling of gold and milk. You built a business empire through force of will, grit, and trusting that feeling in your bones to know when it was time to make a deal. You handed your kids a life of comfort and privilege and the thanks you get is a half-assed attempt to knock you off your throne because you have decided it is time to cash out from the casino. But you have seen them each up close and found them wanting. You have cleaned up Kendall’s shit, had enough of Shiv chirping in your ear, and are aghast at Roman’s fear of pussy. You may love them in your own twisted way, but you resent them nonetheless. You built your pile of cash, let them go out and make their own. So you do what you always do and play musical chairs. Roman was in, now he’s out. Gerri was out, now she’s in. You put your trust in the seasoned pros who have helped you steer the Good Ship Fuck Off for decades even though you are jumping in a lifeboat and leaving them to tread water. And while the kids got wind of your plans, you had an ace up your sleeve. Having promised Tom you would not forget his offer to take the fall in the cruise line scandal, he hands you a crucial piece of intel to deploy the two word business philosophy you explained to Nan all the way back at Tern Haven – MONEY WINS. You give your second ex-wife (another) payout and suddenly your kids, who came in guns blazing, are holding sausages instead. Now all that’s left for you to do is sign on the dotted line, take that five billion Matsson is ready to give you, and fuck off to a comfortable retirement

 

2. Lukas Matsson (last week: 2): You are a Wall Street darling and your company’s valuation is a rocket ship while Logan’s is a sinking balloon. You caught our hairy old newsman at just the right moment. He is displeased with his children, concerned for his company’s future, and his eye is wandering. After a season of fighting off the DOJ, vetting fascist-adjacent politicians, and swallowing a deal Shiv negotiated with Sandy, Sandi, and Stewy, Logan is in a contemplative mood and in need of a nice ego stroke. So, when you kiss his ring, call him bulletproof, offer him some goodies that will allow him to maintain his dignity and not look small (not to mention five billion American dollars), the fact that you are going to shitcan his entire brain trust does not even phase him.   

 

3. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 10): It turned out you did not want to be the last eunuch in the Forbidden City. Those late nights reading Roman history really paid off! Perhaps you will never achieve the exalted title of emperor like Nero, but the broader message sunk in. You spent this season watching your wife zoom past you on the org chart while she humiliated you behind closed doors. When the best she could offer was a position somewhere “high” in the-post Logan version of Waystar, you decided it was time to flip and make sure Logan kept that “never gets fucked” streak going. You even dolled up your own Sporus to come along for the ride.  

 

4. Cousin Greg(ory) (last week: 7): The Power Rankings appreciate that you finally verbalized what you had already made clear – you have no soul. At the end of last season, you handed Ken the hot docs you thought would bring down Logan. At the end of this season, you are making a deal with that same devil. And we get it, when Tom offers you a ticket out of the endless middle to the bottom of the top with 20 Gregs of your own, that perch at Brightstar Buffalo does not look quite as enticing and betting your future on a woman eighth in line to the throne of a country roughly the size of Logan’s Summer Palace seems thin too. But let us stop pretending you are some bumbling fool and not a scheming ladder climber like the rest of the family.

 

5. Kerry Castellbate (last week: NR): With Logan downing that maca root to improve the motility of his baby batter, your future looks more and more secure: incubate precisely one bastard Roy and then let the hired help deal with the dirty diapers your offspring (or 80-year-old sugar daddy) soil while you never work another day in your life.

 

6. Caroline Collingwood (last week: 4): Well, you can pretty much forget about having any relationship with your children after you made them watch you fuck their father in front of them for a nest egg that will feather your golden years and gave your seat sniffing husband a leg up. We hope it was worth it!

 

7. Connor Roy (last week: 6): Your siblings dismiss you as an afterthought but this may be one time when that works to your advantage. Instead of being dragged into their cabal, your hands are clean, they are on the outs with the old man, and you are suddenly the last child standing (unless Logan adopts Tom or decides his love child with Kerry deserves a cut of your inheritance). Meanwhile, enjoy the ten years Roman thinks you have left married to a woman whose attitude toward being your wife is “fuck it, how bad can it be?”

 

T-8. Kendall Roy, Shiv Roy and Roman Roy (last week: 9, 3, and 5): After Rhea met you three last season, her assessment was spot on. Ken? Has all the shots but does not know how to play them. Shiv? Thinks she is smarter than she is. Roman? Could be good, but not ready yet. Where is the lie, as the kids say on the Internet? Ken had the initial idea to buy GoJo and a vision for Waystar’s future not dissimilar to the one Lukas sold Logan on but no one – Josh Aaronson, his siblings, or his father – believed he was the guy to make it happen. Shiv stepped into the breach when Logan fell ill to end the takeover attempt but did not see that humiliating her husband might backfire. Roman spent a lot of time this season improving his business acumen but could not resist juvenile hijinks like buying Tattoo Guy’s photos or sending dick pics to the company’s interim CEO. You belatedly realized that the best way to ensure you run the company was to work together instead of trying to undermine each other’s positions – a pitch Ken made earlier this season but was summarily rejected. But while you each took an enormous loss when Logan flipped his cards over to reveal his better hand, you also got something you needed that might just steel your spines for the fight ahead. Kendall was finally able to unburden his guilt and in doing so, unlock the explanation for his moribund state and get his head back in the game. Shiv needed a comeuppance for her glib dismissals of her husband and a-bit-harsher-than-it-needed-to-be wedding toast of her mother. Roman saw up close and personal the lesson that Ken and Shiv already learned, that trusting the old man is a fool’s errand. Your father sees you as feckless and weak, having never had to earn anything in your lives, but now that all-out war has been declared, we are going to see how you three do when the bullets start flying.

 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy. Iverson Roy. Sophie Roy. Gerri Kellman. Shakespeare Frank Vernon. Karl Muller. Willa Ferreyra. Comfry Pellits. The Bigot Spigot. Peter Munion. Larry Vansitart. Waiting Three Quarters of an Hour for a Gin and Tonic. 


Chiantishire 

Too Much Birthday 

What It Takes

Retired Janitors of Idaho 

Lion In The Meadow

The Disruption

Mass In Time Of War

Secession

Complete Season Two Power Rankings

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