August 2

There is a great scene in Season 2 of Mad Men when recently hired Head of Account Management Herman "Duck" Phillips's kids are dropped off at the office by his ex-wife. The two start bickering, about what I do not remember, and she says "but you're not good in the afternoon." It was, in its time, a polite way of saying someone had a drinking problem (which he did). 

For Duck, it was alcohol. For me, it is what I refer to as my "stupid brain." My stupid brain convinces me that a headache is an early warning sign of a stroke. That some stomach pain is an about-to-burst appendix. That some tingling in my foot means I have early onset diabetes. It results in a heightened "fight or flight" response (which for me is high already) so any time someone gets too close to me (which in New Jersey happens A LOT) or tailgates while I am driving (also happens A LOT) I get even more anxious than I usually am. It means I avoid other people, even people I like, or people I don't really know but am friendly with (the anxiety of a minute of chit chat with the old guy at Shop Rite who mans the self-checkout is off the charts rn). 

This latest episode has gone on for almost two weeks. It results in my missing the gym, barely making it through the work day, never wanting to leave the house unless absolutely necessary, eating a lot of junk food, and generally waking up each morning assuming I am going to drop dead that day. It stops me from doing much of anything or thinking about anything other than getting through that day. This obviously is not super conducive to functioning in life. It always goes away, but it could be tomorrow or three weeks from now. For now, it is debilitating and exhausting.

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