Succession Power Rankings - The Disruption

 This week on Succession … Kendall visits HQ, Roman does an interview, and Shiv gives a speech. And now … the Power Rankings:

 

1. The FBI (last week: NR): There are certain things you do not mess with. The coronavirus. Natural disasters. A search warrant from the Federal Bureau of Investigation. When you get Logan Roy to go from “tell them to fuck off” to “we are cooperating” faster than you can say “no real person involved” you will be rewarded with the top spot in the Power Rankings. 

 

2. Kendall Roy (last week: 2): How is your headspace now, Ken? The thing about living in a bubble of wealth and privilege that allows you to walk away scot free when you do everything from killing another human being to literally shitting in a bed is that you think you are untouchable. When you are cruising in your stretch limo like a kid at prom playing GOOD TWEET/BAD TWEET or get asked for your autograph before appearing on a talk show, prank your sister as she tries to rally the troops and give a keynote at the Committee for the Protection and Welfare of Journalists gala, you can gin up a lot of false bravado. You confuse being part of the conversation with being an object of ridicule. And when your ego is tissue thin, it does not take much to have it deflated. After your sister fillets you like a fish monger and Sophie Iwobi dismisses you as a jar of mayonnaise in a Prada suit, you are shell shocked and in need of help. So what are you doing near the top of the Power Rankings? Once you get past the shriveled up ball of insecurity crumpled in a heap looking like his dog just got shot, who would you rather be right now? Logan, with an army of blue jacketed FBI agents about to insert a probe up Waystar’s ass, or Ken, whose attorney is negotiating an immunity deal? Yes, the law is people and people are politics and it does not hurt when you can bend the ear of a senior White House aide at the snap of your fingers, but at the end of the day, the kidzzz may chuckle at Oedipussy, but the only consequence is snickering behind your back. If the feds decide to shut you down, it’s game over.  

 

3. Shiv Roy (last week: 5): We cannot say Ken did not have it coming. His crude dismissal of your teat-based value (girls count double!) after you rejected his proposal to team up did not sting any less after he apologized for it, but it was his little stunt that interrupted your first public appearance as a high-ranking Waystar official that caused you to go nuclear instead of just spitting in his day planner. After spending so many years in politics, your not-in-anger-but-in-sorrow open letter exposing all of Ken’s shortcomings was something you probably wrote in your sleep, but it did not make a lot of sense because your years in politics also made you skeptical of the story your dad tried to spin minimizing all the “salty moves” in the cruise line division. If your decision to do that oppo dump on Ken was the simple calculus of knowing each man’s flaws and deciding Logan was a better bet, you may end up being the busted flush. Ken may need Comfry to generate some good social media buzz to boost his spirits, but that is a far easier task than explaining away an FBI raid as a “move along, nothing to see here, folks” situation.

 

4. Gerri Kellman (last week: 3): It is too bad Logan has never seen you as anything other than a name on a piece of paper to use as a full chemical and biological hazard suit to protect his daughter through the shit storm because he might realize you actually know what you are doing. When you told him to cool it with the White House back channel, he went ahead and button holed Michelle-Anne anyway. When he refused to accept service of a subpoena, you tried to explain that is not how the game is played. When that decision resulted in a swarm of federales banging on the front door with a search warrant, you were proved correct. When he wanted Kendall handcuffed if he tried to enter the office, you counseled discretion – let Ken come in, ignore him, and let HR do what HR does instead of handing the DOJ a gas can. Again, he blew you off and instead of a seamless (and soulless) company town hall, Shiv got heckled off the stage by Nirvana blaring “RAPE ME” out of some surreptitiously placed speakers. If Logan treats you this way when you are right, what do you think is going to happen to you when you are wrong?  

 

5. Logan Roy (last week: 1): One nice thing about running a company Rhea Jarrell called a "dumpster fire pirate death ship" is you become adept at crisis management. You're back in the C suite strategically deploying your troops. Karolina and Hugo have pulled out the PR 101 playbook, sending Roman off for a soft focus interview and have teed up a full page ad ("We Get It" > "We Here For You"). Tom is doing the grimmier work of leaning on a potentially damaging witness and hey, you even tossed Gerri a small bone by signing off on that Israeli machine learning operation sale. But your most important assignment - neutralizing Ken - has been handed to your newly minted President of Domestic Operations, who you needed to do a hard sell on to convince your hands, while not entirely clean, are not covered in NRPI blood. And for most of the episode, things looked promising. Everyone did their somersaults for you, bending to your will and carrying out your orders. But you could not quite leave well enough alone. You did not take the hint contained in the strategic dead air from 1600 PA Avenue when Gerri called Michelle-Anne en route to Sarajevo and so, while your interests and the Raisin’s may be aligned, the folks in the Southern District are unamused.  

 

6. Roman Roy (last week: 4): Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. You may dismiss your older brother behind closed doors as an expert in self-destruction, but you are smart enough to know that putting your name on it publicly takes things to a place you are not comfortable going. There was no use getting in the middle of Shiv and Ken’s rock fight when you could score some easy points with the old man by repackaging a fond childhood memory you shared with Connor as one you shared with him. 

 

7. Sophie Iwobi (last week: NR): We are here for it, Sophie. ALL OF IT. Snitchy Rich. Caucasian Rich Brain. Wokestar Royco. Benedickhead Arnold. Paranoid Kendroid. There are few targets easier to hit than a rich white man who flashes gang signs outside Jean-Georges, so tell your writer’s room to empty the chamber of every sick burn they can came up with, knowing full well Roman will recycle each and every one at Thanksgiving dinner. 

 

8. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: NR): We sympathize, Tom. It is not fun being the last eunuch in the Forbidden City. You were a mid-western meat puppet who got seduced by the trappings of wealth afforded to you when you started dating the daughter of one of the most powerful men in the business world - the chartered jets, the chauffeured rides, the human foot stools - were all there for the taking. It was easy to ignore the obvious red flags, like when Bill handed you that air gapped computer with all the cruise line dirt on it or when your soon-to-be wife asked for an open marriage the night before your wedding, or the ease with which Logan was prepared to shitcan you in order to secure Nan Pierce’s agreement to the merger with PGM. Of course, the mess you are in is also mostly of your own making. You did melt like feta cheese in front of the U.S. Senate, you are witness tampering and you should not be surprised when you tell a lawyer about a theoretical John Doe division head who directed the destruction of incriminating documents that the lawyer does not see an ending where that theoretical John Doe does not end up in jail. Whether it was when Shiv agreed that falling on your sword and going to the clink would be a good move or Logan trying to convince you no one would actually end up there, it appears you finally wised up, are seeking independent counsel and perhaps a deal that will save your bacon.

 

9. Cousin Greg(ory) (last week: 8): We like you Greg, but the Power Rankings are not a popularity contest. There is an old saying in Texas that the only things you find in the middle of the road are yellow lines and dead armadillos, an axiom it appears you are proving true. Trying to keep one foot in Team Logan and one foot in Team Kendall is not going well. In the office, Tom is literally shoving you in a utility closet; after hours, you are getting dared into dropping coin you do not have on a watch you do not need. While you might be self-conscious about your wrists (in addition to your not-aesthetically pleasing toe nails) the feds will have a pair of handcuffs that fit just fine because you destroyed evidence and (may have) lied to Congress. 

 

10. Comfry (last week: NR): If you showed the same level of skill in prepping Ken for his media appearances as you did in getting Greg to relinquish forty thousand of his hard earned dollars, we might consider bumping you up a few notches in the Power Rankings. For now, your presence is largely due to a dearth of other options. Don’t get cozy.

 

Not Ranked: Connor Roy. Willa. Marcia Roy. Ewan Roy. Shakespeare Frank. Karolina. Hugo Baker. Lisa Arthur. Roger Pugh. Stewy. Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphilis). Sandi (with an “i”) Furness. Michelle-Anne, the Pantsuit Barnacle. Rex Hendon. Colin. Mondale the Dog. The shaved fennel salad. Blur Face and Who Cares. Rebooting Pinocchio. Nate. The Times New Roman Firing Squad. Fly fishing in Montana. Cyanide pills. Ugly rocks. Stalin. 

Mass In Time Of War

Secession

Season Two Power Rankings

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

I Got My COVID Booster Today ...

I remember that time in March when I was finally eligible for the COVID vaccine. I was in a frenzy to get vaccinated, losing my shit because the computer system New Jersey had set up was awful and the closest appointments were 50 miles away. When I finally was able to get an appointment - by using the toll free number to do it - I gladly drove 35 miles (one way) to do it. It was a mass vaccination site. The Army (or maybe the National Guard?) was basically running it. There was a military efficiency to it and a lot of relieved people. We politely waited our 15 minutes after getting our doses and went back out into the world. Not knowing what to expect, I gave myself the day off from working out (and the next day too!) and hoped to get back to some sense of normalcy. For a while I did. I even held out some hope of summer adventures, maybe some ~ intimacy ~ but then Delta swept through and just crushed all of that. The last few months have been a mental grind. Not so much because I feared getting COVID. I was (and am) good with the concept of getting vaccinated as protection against severe infection if I do get COVID but I still feel like my sails have been trimmed.

In any event, I went to get my booster today with so much less enthusiasm and excitement than when I got my first dose (I got J and J back in April and also for my booster). Just no joy, no sense of anticipation for a future that looks something close to normal, no people applauding or the selfie station they had set up at the mass vaccination site I went to in the spring. It had all the excitement of a trip to the dentist's office or renewing your driver's license. So yay, I am now vaccinated and boosted. 

Succession Power Rankings - Mass In Time Of War

This week on Succession … Ken gets a gift, Logan takes a trip, and Marcia rejoins the family. And now, the Power Rankings: 

1. Logan Roy (last week: 4): To paraphrase your now out-of-favor number one son, your other kids saw his plan, and decided your plan was better. What is your plan, exactly? Who knows. You have survived so many crises your henchman have short hand references for them, and the state of play for this one looks remarkably better by the end of the episode than the depressing shot of you pawing at that wilted green salad midway through would have suggested. While you grudgingly coughed out a non-apology apology to Connor and went full Don Draper trying to win Betty back by telling Marcia you had been “distracted,” you can’t quite open your mouth to eat shit. Instead, you fell back on your core belief that money wins and poof, Marcia’s nest gets feathered, perhaps Connor’s sand problem goes away, and all of the sudden two potential land mines have been defused. But you also know that when you drop bombs, you can get burnt. Could you sink Kendall by revealing his role in the death of Andrew Dodds? Of course. But to do so would expose your own role in the cover up (not to mention encouraging Kendall to drop his own WMD - the documents that show your role in the cruise line scandal). For now, you are content in knowing Kendall helpfully handed Shiv and Roman all the intel on his plans and far from slinking back into the good old US of A, you strode triumphantly down the airstairs with a juicy new role for your only daughter and a how ya doin’ slugger greeting for your youngest son. Has the storm passed? Hardly, but the skies are starting to clear and you earned your return to the top of the list.

2. Kendall Roy (last week: 1): They say speed kills and we here at the Power Rankings admired your decapitation plan. Hit your dad when he is at his weakest: put up a united front with your three siblings, call for him to step aside, then hand him a revolver and show him to his office. Everyone, even Gerri, agreed that if you pulled it off, it would have been lights out. There was only one problem. None of your siblings bought into your vision for the company’s future. *You* may want to kill your dad, but your siblings are a bit more ambivalent about the whole patricide idea. Why would Shiv or Roman give up a chance to inherit the whole kingdom for a sphere of influence with you on top? Why would Connor tear up the credit line he hopes Logan will float him in order to back your coup attempt? Appealing to your siblings' better angels when you lie about needing to go hug your kids is not a solid foundation to build a strategic partnership, even if you think you possess the one truth. Now we admit, this version of Kendall struck us better than Cocaine Kendall from last week who was stepping all over his PR people, looking to his ex-wife to fill his bottomless well of need, and showing his belly to his new lawyers. Yes, you are still leaning a bit too heavily on the C-suite jargon (the spoiled milk, detoxifying the brand, the omni-national repositioning) and you are right - your father’s company is a rotten cabal, a dying empire within a dying empire, but can we pump the brakes on the Alexander the Great references? Save that shit for your TEDx talk, ok? When all was said and done, the cleansing you tried to convince your siblings was what the company needed was really a projection of your own desire to wash away the guilt you feel and the absolution you need for your own mistakes. Carpet bombing them with insults when they passed on your verbal slide deck was not a good look and taking out your frustration on Jess was even worse. You’re going to need thicker skin if you’re going to pull off this palace revolt because the terrain has shifted from blitzkrieg to trench warfare. 

3. Gerri Kellman (last week: 2): If you are going to be a Pope with an asterisk, best memorialize that moment when your name crossed the ticker as the new CEO of Waystar Royco. Of course, your actions suggest you are not interested in being a mere figurehead. Offering Roman a spot on the quarterly earnings call did not turn his crank, but when you needed to seal his loyalty, explaining that open warfare before the board would guarantee only one thing - that he would not end up as CEO - before reminding him you are a dangerous enemy not to be fucked with, your slime puppy fell into place. With Logan back in the States and Shiv now hovering over your shoulder, putting more responsibility on your little dick (sort of) paramour may be a bridge too far. We shall see. 

4. Roman Roy (last week: 5): A reassessment of you is in order, Roman. A Romaneissance has been taking place right under the Power Rankings’ noses and we missed it entirely. To be fair, for the better part of the first two seasons you were a fire hydrant spewing out cultural insensitivity and sperms and it was easy to get lost in your blizzard of insults, sick burns, and sexual peccadilloes. But something clicked while you, Jamie, and Karl were being held hostage in Turkey. You found your stride and you gained your father’s confidence. The early returns from Season Three look sort of promising. Your dismissal of Ken’s documents as fake or not real or who even cares showed a Logan-esque toughness; your scathing assessment of your older brother as a bitter fuck up who specializes in self-immolation was harsh, but spot on. Little do you know that Lisa Arthur thinks your proposal to stonewall a DOJ investigation is literally the worst idea in the world and Gerri demurred at your suggestion of an executive committee, but you were clear eyed and open about being your dad’s spy when you met with Ken and yet, he still spilled the tea on his plans in hopes of winning you over. Instead of joining the revolution, your apprenticeship with Gerri is about to begin and your star is on the rise with your mercurial father. Just know Shiv was not wrong, eventually you are going to need to fuck something. 

5. Shiv Roy (last week: 7): For someone who came up in politics, we do not understand the waffling. On one level, we get your desire for plausible deniability. You want to be light on your feet so you can decide which horse to back. If that means sneaking a peek at the confidential docs Kendall claims to have and sussing out his ideas for a post-Logan world, so be it. But your wobbly loyalty only raises more questions. You are not honest enough to admit Ken called you on your shit - you do know he did the right thing, at least that is what you would have had Kira believe when you talked her out of testifying before Congress by telling her you wanted to kill the men who perpetrated the cruise line scandal. If it was all a big charade to prove your worth to your dad, Kendall is right (again), you’re not a good person. He is offering you a clean broom to go in and sweep up the mess that your dad left behind, the lone concession being you do not get to rule the kingdom. Instead of saying yes and starting a new era at Waystar, you accept what might end up being a suicide mission from a guy whose avatar on your phone is Saddam Hussein that will dump you into the heart of a shit storm he (and you) may not survive. Seems dumb.

6. Ewan Roy (last week: NR): You told Greg that your estate attorney Roger Pugh is “incredibly intransigent,” a description that could just as easily apply to you. In Dundee, you dismissed your brother as morally bankrupt, a whore for climate deniers, and possibly even worse than Hitler. Your regard for Kendall is not much higher. A self-regarding popinjay airing the family’s dirty laundry in public is your stinging assessment of the man who would be king. You have not lost your desire to tear down the institution that has padded your lifestyle and now, you may be able to use your pliable grandson as a wedge to do it. 

7. Marcia Roy (last week: NR): Bonsoir, Marcia. Nice to have you back in the fold for the low low price of solidifying your position in the family trust, having your two kids taken care of, and your financial position “improved.” Leave the details to Celeste while you get in a few twists of the knife and silently gloat over the apology Logan (kind of) proffered. 

8. Cousin Greg(ory): (last week: 3): Remember back at Argestes when you needed a bump of the old cocaine to boost your confidence in the presence of all those tech moguls and super models? Well, when everyone else is armoring up with $2000/hour lawyers, you need to do better than a 1L who is still learning proper citation format and has to text her professor for answers to basic legal questions if you are going to sit at the high roller table in this version of Game of Thrones. Grandpa Grumps might have hooked you up with a lawyer, but the likelihood he will take care of you is about as high as the chances you are going to avoid another visit to Congress. 

9. Stewy Hosseini (last week: NR): The trojan horse was a nice touch. Ken is already offering you the same deal you turned down in Paxos and he is desperate for your support, the only question is how long you, Sir Sandy, and Sandi want to keep him dangling before cutting him loose. We only ask, are you sure this is all worth it? 

10. Roger Pugh (last week: NR): We like the cut of your jib, sir. The rumpled demeanor, the messy office, the obscure references (hello, Charlie Babbage’s difference engine) gave your brief time on screen the same punch as that double black eye (strong filter, double espresso) you slurp to get yourself going in the morning. We are less sure you gave Greg the actual order of your priorities because Ewan is far less interested in Greg’s well being than he is in exposing the structural contradictions of capitalism as reified in the architecture of corporate America. 

Not Ranked: Connor Roy. Tom Wamgsgans. Willa. Karl. Shakespeare Frank. Jess Jordan. Lisa Arthur. Hugo Baker. Karolina. Celeste. The Unbalanced Love Portfolio. Deli Sushi. Rava’s Dog Walker. Oliver Noonan. Leah. Operation Thumb Twiddle. The Old Stetson. Snake Linguini. 323 B.C. Arbuthnot Weiss. The Danish Cinnamon Things. Relevant Donuts (that we are 98% sure are not poisoned). 

Secession

Season Two Power Rankings

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Adam Snow Bramski

I was getting ready to do Body Attack 106 and was scrolling through the comments when I saw "RIP" references to one of the instructors, Adam Snow Bramski. Curious, I googled his name and sure enough, he died, almost a year ago, at 32. None of the stories I found discussed a cause of death other than that he "died suddenly in his sleep" but there was one story that mentioned he had attempted suicide as a teen. It rally messed with my head. Like, this guy, young, good looking, like 1% body fat and putting all this positive energy out into the world ... is dead? I've done this workout before but this time, it just did not feel right, I had a hard time getting into it, knowing this person is no longer with us. Just very sad.

 

The Idiot Tax and the Loser Tax

I often remind myself that in addition to the typical taxes I pay - sales, income, property, etc. - there are two others unique to my circumstances. One tax is what I like to call the "idiot tax" - basically, dumb shit I do that ends up costing me money. The most glaring example was a few years ago when I got into a car accident that was (probably?) my fault and ended up costing me thousands of dollars between the insurance deductible, the attorney to represent me in traffic court (I thought it better to get someone to represent me who knew what they were doing), the increase in my insurance premium, and of course, the extra money I had to shell out to buy a new car even after my insurance company totaled my old one (not to mention the money on top of that that I spent 8 months later because I didn’t like the new car I bought). True idiot tax - because I *had to* make it through that yellow light instead of waiting a whole extra minute, I not only almost got myself seriously injured but ended up much lighter in the pocket.

The other tax I pay is what I like to call the "loser tax" - which has two components. One loser tax is the one I pay b/c I have a myriad of inadequacies and hang ups (not to mention anxiety and depression) that make it effectively impossible for me to have normal relationships with women so I pay money to them to spend time with me instead. Let me repeat that: I am a loser who needs to pay women money to spend time with me. The other aspect of the loser tax is what is going to happen today: I need to take my car in for servicing (somehow, Subaru, maker of supposedly ~ rugged ~ vehicles has now recalled my car - TWICE - in 2.5 years) and because I am a friendless loser who is also estranged from his family, I have to pay to Uber back and forth to the dealership because I do not want to sit and wait or take time off from work to sit and wait. So, a "free" trip to the dealer will actually cost me $40 because I literally have no one I can ask for a ride back and forth. Great life you've created for yourself, SLG. 

Succession Power Rankings - Secession

This week on Succession … Logan takes a trip, Kendall makes a move, and Gerri gets a promotion. And now, the Power Rankings: 

1. Kendall Roy (last week: 1): You have come a long way, Ken. When we first met you, you were the heir apparent, shadow boxing in the back seat of your chauffeured Mercedes pumping yourself up to close a major deal. Now, you are a heat seeking missile that just scored a direct hit on the good ship Fuck Off and you're doing deep breathing exercises in a hotel bathroom to steady your nerves. We here at the Power Rankings are just a wee bit concerned about where that energy went once you bolted out the door. We are willing to look past the snap decision to put Greg in charge of media monitoring as a move made out of necessity because your other choices looked so good - locking down shareholder support, tossing Karolina overboard when it was clear she could not be trusted, whispering in Frank’s ear, and decamping to Rava’s house to avoid prying eyes - were all A+ maneuvers. But you barely let Barry Schneider get a word in edgewise while you mansplained your great idea for a TEDx lecture like you had just gotten a hold of some particularly potent Bolivian marching powder. Inviting your new squeeze to your ex’s house is *never* a good idea, and while locking down Lisa Arthur was clearly a net plus, you are vibrating at a slightly too-high frequency right now. Maybe give it a rest with the folks from BoJack, spend less time obsessing over your Twitter account, drop the O.J. references, and check if Jess can find a “straightener” to even you out a little bit. 

2. Gerri Kellman (last week: 7): Roman may have dismissed you at Argestes as a clever filing cabinet everyone is happy to keep around, but you did not climb Mount Olympus and become the new Zeus (albeit one who will have a hairy old newsman in your ear) of Waystar Royco by being indiscreet. You are sensible enough to sidestep the obvious landmines like your boss’s son’s offer for a quick roll in the hay and cautious enough to know when not to push too hard when a message is being sent from up on high at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Your elevation to CEO may be a transparent ploy by Logan to tamp down the pressure being brought to bear on him, but he recognized your talent, loyalty, and experience made a lot more sense than handing the keys to the kingdom to either of his children. 

3. Cousin Greg(ory)(last week: 3): Yes Greg, the internet IS big and good memeage IS important for Team Kendall, but you know we can just go on Twitter to see the tweets, right? There is no need to write them down. When you handed Ken those confidential documents, we were not unimpressed with your power move, but we are worried you may be in a bit over your head. Between talking your mom off the ledge and out of those panic purchases of Nutri Bullets and Krugerrands, getting rick rolled by fake social media accounts, and popping the cork on a bottle of wine Rava was holding for a special occasion, this all may be happening too fast. The air is thin in the higher elevations of the Power Rankings Mr. Hirsch, another week like this, and you may need to decamp to a lower altitude and hit the oxygen tank. 

4. Logan Roy (last week: 4): At the beginning of Season Two, Jamie observed that you generally do the wise thing and your moves in the aftermath of Kendall’s betrayal affirmed this point. Yes, you needed to work through your anger, largely by doing something else you do - tell people to fuck off, insult them, and generally make them feel like shit - but ultimately, you recognized the need to make a tactical retreat after it became clear your friends in the White House were not going to run interference with the Justice Department. Was there a Boar on the Floor element to picking your faux successor? Sure. You’re still wary of Shakespeare Frank (and with good reason) and Karl is useless if his tummy is grumbling, but after sounding out your war council you did the wise thing. For now, you need to recede into the background, let the storm blow over, and hope like hell a new circus comes to town soon. 

5. Roman Roy (last week: 6): Subtlety is not one of your strong suits, but perhaps that time in management training has finally paid off. If your dad knew Gerri was helping you work out your sexual kinks after hours he might have seen through your charade of asking for the job that you really wanted her to have, but it paid off. Unfortunately, your moves never seem to get you closer to the top. You are always stuck in traffic in the middle rungs of the Power Rankings, but who knows, maybe your whole “Mole Woman and Tarzan” pitch will pay off after all. Color us skeptical.

6. Lisa Arthur (last week: NR): When both sides in the Roy civil war are desperate for your representation, you must be doing something right, an assumption you proved accurate when you did not flinch under Shiv’s withering attack after you told her you were already spoken for.

7. Shiv Roy (last week: 5): Sometimes you can do (almost) everything right and still not get what you want, a lesson it appears you have just learned. You spent last season fighting to cash in that promise your dad made to you at the summer palace. You won some, you lost some, but when it came time to swing the sword, you were the one sitting at your father’s arm fully prepared to watch your older brother take the fall for the whole cruise line scandal while securing your spot as the next in line to the throne. But when Ken went rogue and the succession plan got scrambled, your inexperience gave your father pause and your failure to lock down Lisa Arther clinched his decision. Could that detour you told your driver to make end with you switching sides? 

8. Jess Jordan (last week: 9): The Power Rankings recognize good staffing when we see it. The instinctive positioning just within ear shot to catch Kendall’s ridiculous demands, the Rolodex-at-your-fingertips to convert those demands into action, and the unobtrusive presence just far enough away that tells people they can speak in confidence, are all part of what makes you indispensable. Of course, the contours of your job sometimes veer into murkier waters - finding a steady hook up so Ken can keep his nose powdered and acting as a go-between for Logan’s threat to grind Ken’s bones into dust to make his bread were probably not in the original job description - but you do it all without breaking a sweat. 

9: Karl (last week: NR): It is understandable that you see yourself as a potential interim CEO. You just survived the hostage situation, sorry, administrative action function, in Turkey (albeit while muscling through a panic attack). You have institutional knowledge (the tabloid suicides, the Tiananmen accommodation, the black cloud after Sally Ann) and the sick burns (The twelve-foot sub of poisonous snakes, the full Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors of Fuck) needed by anyone who orbits Planet Logan and yet, it is hard to picture you wearing the Big Trousers when you wilt so easily if not properly nourished. 

10. Hugo Baker (last week: NR): The Power Rankings would be remiss in not recognizing good advance work. Most advance has one person to handle press, one for site logistics, another for hotels, and yet another for transportation, but you sir, were all of those people rolled into one. An honorary Secret Service hard pin for you Hugo, in what may be a one-and-done appearance on our list. 

Not Ranked: Connor Roy. Willa. Shakespeare Frank. Tom Wamgsgans. Michelle-Anne, The Pantsuit Barnacle. Barry Schneider. Comfry. Rava. Naomi Pierce. Karolina. The Raisin. Stewy. Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphilis). Non Extradition Treaties. The Pope’s Twitter Account. The Reverse Banjo. Tater Tots. The Straight Leg Chino Way of Putting Things. Gender Appropriate Razors. Weevils in the Flour Sack. The Clean Jar. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy

Full Season 2 Power Rankings 

Why Does New Jersey Suck?

I hate living in New Jersey. Just could not hate it more and yet, by dint of my work and my cats, it is just not that easy to pick up and move. Today was a perfect illustration of why this state (and more specifically, *its people*) are hot garbage:

I live within walking distance of a public library. It is a nice perk and with the weather cooling down, I have been walking there in the morning before my main work out to warm up. The library has a large parking lot - like, two parallel rows of about 25 spaces, a break where for the entrance, and then the two rows continue on for another 25-30 spaces on the other side. In other words, AMPLE room to park. So I go down there early'ish this morning (about 7:45) well before it opens to do sprint work. Basically, taking one half of one side of the parking lot and doing wind sprints back and forth. There are literally NO cars parked in the entire (roughly) 100 space lot. After a few minutes, a woman rolls into the lot and parks her SUV smack dab in the middle of the 25 or so spots that I am using - like, she sees me, waits until she I have cleared where she wants to park, and then just plunks her fucking gas guzzler right there. At first, I just sort of shook my head and made a point of going around her, but when it appeared she was not going to move, I started cussing her out (she had the windows up) and kept cussing her out (loudly) until she finally moved. As she did, she rolled down the window and gave me the finger (because of course) and said "fuck you," I said "fuck you" back and that was that. 

Was I in the wrong here? There is a whole 100 spot parking lot that is completely empty. Like, why can't you fucking park your car literally anywhere else for the 10 minutes I am going to be there. Of course, like two minutes after she finally moved her car, ANOTHER car came in and did the same thing, and I was so livid at that point, I just left because god forbid any person in this god forsaken armpit shit hole of a state show even the barest minimum of consideration or courtesy for anyone other than themselves. Selfish fucking assholes up and down the line here in the Garden State. 

It really ended up ruining my whole morning. I was FUMING on the walk home, plus mad at myself for losing my temper because 1) I don't like being out of control; 2) I could have just been the bigger person (as usual) and used one of the other parts of the parking lot even though she was being a ginormous asshole and 3) the crazy bitch could have called the cops and I definitely would not have wanted to deal with that. I got through my normal workout but was just so fucking pissed off the whole time replaying the whole incident in my head - like, why can't you just park somewhere else? I swear, I really don't even like leaving the house anymore (other than for work) because dealing with people is becoming increasingly difficult for me to do. 

It Is Your Birthday

As you get older, you realize that it is ridiculous to make a big deal over your birthday. There are grown ass adults who celebrate their birth *month* - a whole fucking month of self-congratulatory non-sense because you achieved escape velocity out of your mother's vagina? That being said, the other end of the spectrum, where at most you get a few random texts from people you rarely see, there is no crowd singing you "Happy Birthday" before you MAKE A WISH and blow out the candles is not great either.

This morning was no different than the other 364 days of the year - I woke up (miserable), cleaned out the litter boxes, had breakfast, and pooped. The only difference was instead of going to work, I did an extra long work out - wind sprints at the local high school and then home for a full hour of BODY ATTACK. Why? To prove to myself I can. To show my mental toughness. To thumb a nose at the calendar that shows another year on the age odometer. As John Locke said in LOST, "Don't tell me what I can't do." 

It Is Not Going To Happen

 When you are young, the possibilities of life are endless. There is open road ahead of you and it feels like anything can happen. But here is the thing. As you go through life, the decisions you make and the things that happen to you, little by little, start shrinking your world. You do not even notice it at first, but it happens. The one thing aging has made me more aware of is that "it is not going to happen." Whatever "it" is supposed to be - success, happiness, wealth, marriage, a family - none of these things is going to happen. 

At 51, on the "back nine" of life, I got what I am going to get, which is not much. My best days are behind me. I will never be too poor to pay the bills but never wealthy enough to not stress about money. I hit a ceiling at work and will never advance above it but I am too close to retirement to do anything about it. I have been divorced for 11 years and have had precisely one serious relationship (eight years ago) since then. I am not going to find *a* one, much less *the* one, and certainly won't have kids. It's depressing to imagine a future that holds such little hope or optimism, to just realize these are the cards that I have been dealt (and in fairness, have chosen, at least in part). It's a sucky hand.

I Am Linda Tripp

I was reading New York magazine's review of Impeachment: American Crime Story (because if there is one thing the world needed it was another story about a president getting a blow job from an intern. I swear to God, 50 years from now, Hollywood will still be delving into history's least interesting, most overanalyzed scandal in American history) and the author wrote two passages that hit particularly close to home:

Paulson's Tripp is petty, vindictive, and selfish. She's also foolish, or at least just smart enough to make the same very foolish mistakes. She wants attention and can't muster the self-awareness required to admit she wants it. Everything bad in her life was done to her; everything good was the result of her own, Herculean efforts

and this ... 

Too often, though, Paulson's performance is uncannily like Tripp herself. It is trying so, so hard in a way that makes you want to recoil. It would be a disaster, except this is precisely what Impeachment is most interested in: the contempt we have for desperation and for people whose desperation is too painfully evident.

When I think about my personal life and how my career has dead-ended, the first quote often applies. I think through a lot of things that others did to me - my parents, my ex wife, the boss who fucked me over after I ran through wall after all for him, and how angry I am at all of them, but that all the success I want to think I achieved has been due to overcoming all of that abuse. On the other hand, when I think about my utter failure and inability to have even a basic, normal dating relationship with a woman, I think it is because the desperation to have one is so painfully obvious and it just repels anyone within 100 miles of me. 

Most of all, it just feels like at this stage in my life, I am just passing time. I am not going to achieve the things I hoped to in my career, so I am totally checked out at work, and I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, so why bother showing any interest in anyone or anything?