January 29

I have been thinking about this guy Brian a lot lately. Brian was one of my gym classmates for years. When I say we sweated together, I am not exaggerating. We would usually partner up to spar, to box, when intervals would require a partner for things like buddy push ups and the like. I knew him, which was to say we chatted for a few minutes before class and not much else. He was a good guy. He was about 12 years older than me so when we first met I was in my mid 30s and he was in his mid 40s. I noticed as the years passed he would not be as consistent or regular in coming to class as he once was and he would tell me how it gets harder to stay motivated as you age. He was right. I am really struggling right now to stay motivated to go to the gym, which is unheard of, considering I have been a regular gym-goer for 20 years.

Most of it is the lingering ailments, just not feeling myself. Part of it is my diet which has been terrible for the past few months -depression eating induces lots of cravings for salty snacks and chocolate apparently- and I am struggling to get my motivation back to where it should be. Brian's demise was tragic - he collapsed a couple minutes after class one night and was dead before they got him to the hospital, which was only like 3 minutes from the gym. He was 55.

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Kobe Was (Probably) A Rapist

Kobe Bryant's untimely death at age 41 has led to a mass outpouring of mourning in the sports world and beyond, but let's be clear, the man (probably) got away with raping a 19-year-old woman in 2003. Others have written at length about this, but today's New York Times did a nice job summing things up. The screen shot below points out that the case was pretty open and shut - the victim reported the incident immediately, there was significant tearing and blood in/near her vagina, and both she and Kobe had blood on their clothing. Kobe never denied the sex, he just claimed it was consensual, but based on what the prosecutors had and his full-throated attacks on her, I think we all understand what has happening. 

What Kobe did is what ever rich and powerful man has done - he vilified his victim through his lawyer, who slut shamed her in court and "outed" her by name, resulting in unrelenting media attention, threats to her and her family and a very sensible decision to accept what I assume was a multi-million dollar settlement in lieu of cooperating with the prosecution. Everyone who is outraged over Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby and Matt Lauer and Charlie Rose and on and on, this is as bad, if not worse. Kobe may have been an all-time great basketball player, he may have learned from this incident and become a great father and mentor, but he was (probably) a rapist.

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January 28

The #MeToo theme is apparent in Curb Your Enthusiasm's tenth season but the early returns suggest a tone-deafness that is suggestive of male comedians whose moment has passed and could easily morph into reactionary conservatism.

The premiere episode had Larry questioning his assistant about a tattoo on her forearm while hovering over her in the office. He then reached over to use part of her blouse to clean his glasses. In real life, this kind of behavior would, at a minimum, get you a meeting with human resources, and possibly more. Later on, Larry engages with a catering server at a party, grabbing her clumsily while trying to take food off a tray. 

The actions are murky. Larry does not respect boundaries, so it may be that using an assistant's clothing to clean his glasses was not gender-specific, but rather, just a show of his cluelessness, and the server scene resulted in his hand on her breast when his aim was the food on her tray. But the second episode crossed a line that I am surprised has not received more attention. There was a clunky scene that attempted to comment on consent culture by having Larry record himself as he sought permission from his date to place his hands on her and kiss her. The scene was uncomfortable not in the typical Curb way, but was just regular old icky. 

And while TV Larry usually falls on the right line of satire and commentary, the closing scene, where Larry meets his ex-assistant for lunch in an effort to amicably resolve their differences (as lawyers would say) crossed the line when he grabbed her arm - forcefully - to keep her in place as Larry "side sat" her so Ted Danson could see that was something Larry did not just with Danson's girlfriend (and Larry's ex wife) but with everyone. 

This was the second time in the season's two episodes where David went beyond social commentary and crossed into what would be described by most as criminal conduct. When you have built a career and a brand on shock it may be easy to elide this type of behavior. After all, Curb has struck against many sacred cows - religion, sex, handicaps, and more - but here, seeing that invasion of space felt wrong. 

Curb is one of my favorite shows but the blind spot is glaring. Earlier in the episode, Larry bemoans the idea of dating - he is old and bald, but Jeff points out that Larry is rich and rich beats old and bald any day. Sadly, the same is true of grabbing people against their will. Rich beats guilty any day. 

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January 27

I still feel like shit. This cough/congestion I went to the doctor for is not clearing up with antibiotics, so I will need to go back or have tests run. Great way to start the week ...

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January 26

I was going to write a review of Joker today but I just could not focus on it. I watched it yesterday, it is amazing that you can now just push a button on your TV and watch what is essentially still a first run movie in the comfort of your home. 

Anyway, I liked it. It had its problems of course, there were like nine different things the director was trying to get at - mental illness, alienation, marginalization, abandonment, celebrity culture, among others - but one thing that did resonate with me was a scribbling Arthur makes in his journal. He writes, "the worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave like you don't." Otherwise, I did think the entire thing happened in his head while he was in the asylum. More if/when I can spend enough time to put together a coherent review.

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January 25

Today is the birthday of one of my oldest friends in the world. He died a year or so ago, we had lost touch long before. I heard vague rumors of drug addiction and divorce but I never did get the full story. One of the down sides of adopting Don Draper's philosophy that my life only moves in one direction - forward - is that you lose the thread of people's lives who were once important to you. 

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January 24

There is a good profile of Larry David in this month's GQ. I love Curb and, as he calls himself, "TV Larry." The writer of the profile made a good point that explains why I like the show so much - TV Larry does not follow the social contract. He speaks his mind even if it offends people about precisely the small shit that we all swallow most of the time in service of keeping societal harmony. In this way, Curb is escapist, it allows us the fantasy of what it would be like if we could everyone exactly how we feel but never do.

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January 23

As awful as yesterday was, it did end on a bit of a higher note. At my boot camp class, a woman who was a regular but had not been in class for a while showed up. We had a nice chat before class started, which made me feel a little better. 

Overnight, I woke up around 2 AM (combination of being too hot and having to pee) and spent a few minutes petting Pumpkin in the upstairs hallway. I always try to make time for P and G, regardless of the time, because I do not want to regret not spending that time when they are gone. I know it is a morbid thought, but I want to spend every minute I can with them and when they want my attention they get it, even in the middle of the night. For Pumpkin, there is always a little nostalgia in this little ritual. When she was a wee one, and just starting to spend nights in the house, she would wake me up and sort of circle me in the hallway, getting a sense of me, rubbing up against my leg and letting me pet her for a few minutes and then scooting off to another part of the house. She is a little sweetie and I do love her more than anything.

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January 22

Depression is particularly acute today. I am so unhappy at work. Every day is a misery. I hate my job and there are days when I just shut the door to my office and do nothing because I am so miserable. Today, I came home for lunch just so I could get away from the fuckery for a little while. I am also exhausted by my nagging little ailments and (physical) sickness. I am lonely and just want someone to help me and care for me and love me and it is pathetic and weak but I really just want to bury myself under the covers for a few months until this passes.

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January 21

I finally broke down and went to the doctor today. It was fine. My doctor is fine, if a bit chatty and a bit stingy with the meds. I have had a dry cough and trouble catching my breath for about a week. He said my chest/lungs sounded good and I do not have a fever. He prescribed me an antibiotic and some cough medicine, we will see if they work. I of course did not mention the pain in my side that never went away from last summer or that I've been stress eating or depressed because hey, why would I want to take advantage of my very good health insurance?

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