February 12

I know it sounds crazy, but I am considering buying (another) new car. I bought an Impreza last year and it's ... fine. A little on the small side and maybe some of it is lingering PTS from my accident or just getting old, but I want a BIGGER vehicle. I'm looking at the Forester or the Toyota RAV4. 

And the thing is, I can afford it - in cash. Like, I don't even have to borrow money to do any of this. I don't say it to be a braggart, just that I can do something like this in the same way I can buy the fancy cat food for Pumpkin and Ghost. It's the same thing.

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February 11

A dispatch from dating in 2020: Yesterday, I matched with a woman on Tinder. She works in my building (which is large) and is tall, 6 foot 1. Her profile noted that she preferred men 6 feet or taller (which is fine because women are allowed to make demands on men's appearance but not the other way around, those are just the rules) but otherwise she has a cat and likes New York (same and same).

After we matched, I sent a message, prefaced up front that I did not meet the height requirement for the ride and also noted that I thought she looked familiar and was pretty sure we worked in the same building.

Her response was to thank me for my honesty but because we worked in the same building (not the height thing, which would have been totally reasonable and which I flagged for that purpose!), we should probably not proceed. Apparently, being in close physical proximity to someone is a bad thing if you want to, you know DATE THEM and now I am like, maybe I WILL adopt that third cat .... I swear to fucking God.

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February 10

I ended up doing some house work yesterday. Nothing like hoovering up an enormous amount of dust and cat hair to focus the mind ...

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February 9

Just another lather-rinse-repeat Sunday. Boxing and hours on the couch staring at TV, quietly dreading the week to come.

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February 8

Politics have exhausted me this week. I know there is an ebb and flow to the insanity in DC but this is as low as I have felt since Kavanaugh got confirmed. We all know the fix is in, but to see it happen in real time, to see elected officials make a mockery of the oath they swear all in blind allegiance to Trump makes me sick to my stomach.

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February 6

It has been a stressful week. Tuesday, my car was in the shop. Yesterday, I went to see my doctor (again). Today, I had to get x-rays done before work. It taxes my energy and I am just ready for it to be the weekend when I can crawl under a blanket and hide from the world.

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February 5

I took my car in for servicing yesterday. It is one of those chores that being single is made more complicated. You have to rely on a "shuttle" to the office, then you wait for the call that your car is ready. They send another "shuttle" to pick you up and it is all very anxiety-creating even though typing it out makes it seem like no big deal.

Today, I am going back to the doctor. The antibiotics he prescribed for my chest congestion did not clear it up so I am just going under the assumption it's lung cancer and I have like three months to live because that's the way my brain works.

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February 3

The Super Bowl was played last night. I did not watch much of the game. Things like this used to be must see TV for me, but aside from dipping in and out a few times, I was in bed before the fourth quarter started. AMC was re-running Breaking Bad, which I found far more compelling.

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February 2

What I was trying to say yesterday about The Good Place is I found it so affecting because I have been ready to go, for some time, if I am being totally honest. The only things I live for are my two cats. I do not talk to anyone in my family anymore, the few friends I do have would be sad if I was gone but they would get over it, and I have spent the last decade trying to find someone to love (and who would love me) and instead have had a succession of emotionally unavailable and highly manipulative women come through the door whose prime interest in me has been money and not affection. I hate my dead-end job but I cannot afford to quit it. I go through the motions of life every day without actually living. To borrow from Eleanor Shellstrop, THIS is the Bad Place.

Follow me on Twitter (while you can) - @scarylawyerguy 

February 1

I watched the series finale for The Good Place last night. It was lovely. In a way, how could it not. If the premise for the after life is that even if you did not initially earn entry into an eternal paradise, you would receive limitless mulligans after your death where you prove your worthiness instead of being subjected to endless penis flattening or bees with teeth, we can all get behind such a construction. And once there, you can idle away eternity learning how to whittle wood or pave driveways or read all the books you want while also having portals that take you back to any point in your mortal life where you could relive those experiences. And once you have checked off everything on your bucket list, you have sucked the marrow out of the after life, you have played your perfect game of Madden or received the validation from your parents you constantly sought but never received, you can walk through a meditative forest, walk through a door, and peace out. 

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