January 20

Inauguration Day is a year from today. I hope, with all my heart, that the person putting their hand on the Bible at noon, January 20, 2021 is not Donald Trump. I do not know if it will happen, but if it does not, I really do think our country will be changed forever (and not in a good way).

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January 19

I took the day off from life today. I am not leaving the house, I am not doing anything, I am just staring at the TV and numbing myself.

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January 18

I am sick on top of sick. It is weird. I coasted through most of adulthood in very good health, like sure, a random cold here or s flu bug there, but by and large, from my 20s to early 40s, good health was something I took for granted. Over the last five years, it just feels like every few months, it is one thing of the other. Now, I have a dry cough and a catch in my breath that I think is either walking pneumonia or some dust I inhaled (construction is being done in my building). I even tried to get a doctor's appointment but my doctor's office was closed Friday afternoon because reasons? I will go next week if this keeps up even though I hate going to the doctor.

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January 17

Well, "the dizzies" are back. Came out of nowhere last night when I got home from work. The dizzies are something I started getting a few years ago. For a few days, or maybe a week, and out of nowhere, I will get dizzy if I bend down or lean over for more than a second or two. It's not great. The first time it happened I had a battery of tests that resolved precisely nothing. Since then, every few months, maybe a little longer, they come back and then go away. 

It seems like modern medicine is good at basic shit - you have the flu or a kidney stone or cancer, but you have random dizzy spells out of nowhere and they shoulder shrug emoji and can't give you an answer. 

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January 16

The nickname "Scary Lawyer Guy" does not have anything to do with the manner in which I practice law. In fact, I am a pretty amicable attorney. I do not get into pissing matches with opposing counsel or throw tantrums in front of judges. To be honest, the adversarial nature of litigation is my least favorite part of being a lawyer. I am far more comfortable working in the shadows, advising, counseling, explaining to clients how to get themselves out of messes of their own creation.

No, the nickname arose of all places, at my gym. When I first moved to New Jersey and joined a local gym, I began taking a variety of classes and over time, coalesced around a few that had a number of regulars. I did not talk much then (or now) but over time (like, literally years) I did get to know a few of my classmates (one of whom died tragically minutes after one of our classes, another story for another time) and learned that before they got to know me, they referred to me as "scary lawyer guy" because all they knew about me was 1) that I was a lawyer and 2) that I was really intense in class. So that is that story. 

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January 15

A funny thing happened last night. Usually, when I go upstairs, Ghost follows me up and plops himself down on the bed. Last night, for reasons that are only explicable to cats, Ghost was on the bed in one bedroom, Pumpkin was on the bed in one of the other bedrooms, and I was in the bedroom I sleep in. It was the closest it will ever be to how a family organizes itself as far as this house is concerned. It leavened my annoyance that someone in the neighborhood had kindly left a literal bag of dog shit in my driveway for me to discover when I got home from work. 

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January 14

Comedy Central basically runs old episodes of The Office on a loop. This weekend, a bunch of Season 3 episodes were on. I like this era of the show very much. One of the episodes is The Initiation. The A story is about Dwight and Ryan going on a sales call together, but part of the B story (or maybe it was the C story) is Jim's assimilation with the crew in Stamford. He calls the Scranton office after hours assuming he will get the automated system, but Pam is there and answers. After a moment or two of awkwardness (Jim had professed his love for her, and when she rejected him, he left town), they fall quickly into easy conversation that goes on and on.

I related strongly to this scene. After my ex-girlfriend and I broke up, or more accurately, after she dumped me, the Pam-Jim scenario above happened *a lot* because we still (sort of) worked together. She would call me or I would call her on what should have been a quick, 30 second matter and an hour later, the conversation would still be alive and well. When we would eventually hang up, I would think to myself "how does she not see this?" There was no one I enjoyed talking to more and she would literally shoo people out of her office if they interrupted her while we were talking. In the fictional world of The Office, Pam and Jim lived happily ever after. I am left with these bittersweet memories and a recognition there is no such thing as a Hollywood ending.

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January 13

I do not know if this is textbook-definition OCD, but I have this weird fetish about the cleanliness of my car. Not the entire car (though I do try to keep it clean), no, just the hatchback area. I hate when it is dirty. The feeling of road grit or water that has dried on the back bumper or dirtied the back windshield. I clean that area almost compulsively, like anytime it rains or, now that it is winter, the road grime that builds up. My neighbors probably think I am crazy.

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January 12

Nothing much to report today. It is unseasonably warm, which is nice. I went to my weekly boxing class this morning, which was also nice. I have to go back to work tomorrow, which is not so nice.

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January 11

I underestimated the value of children. One of the assistants in my office was out all week because one of her kids was sick. ALL WEEK. By way of comparison, all of last year I took a total of 9 hours of sick time. NINE. And yet, no one questions taking an entire week off to take care of a kid, but if you do not have a kid, you are just expected to limp into work every fucking day, no matter how shitty you feel physically (or mentally). Great system.

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