Ding Dong The Wicked Witch Is DEAD

A few days ago, I was at work and an email popped up in my inbox. It was from the priest who co-officiated my wedding long ago and who I had not spoken to in some time. It was one of those vague "call me" messages without any context. I assumed he wanted something (the only reason this guy ever got in touch previously) so I, reluctantly, called, figuring I would just get it over with. Instead, and to my surprise, he gave me the best news I had heard in a very long time: my ex-wife died. 

Now I know, it may seem like poor form to celebrate someone's death, but allow me to play a few of the greatest hits from my marriage to a true "see you next Tuesday"

• She was an alcoholic who spent most (all?) of our marriage in a drunken stupor. This made socializing with other people almost impossible because my ex-wife was a mean drunk who literally could not behave in public when she was bombed (which was almost all the time). 
• Her alcoholism also made any long-term financial planning almost impossible because she routinely drove drunk, went to work drunk, and one never knew when she might injure herself or others while behind the wheel, not just creating medical risk, but financial risk too. And lest you think I am being hyperbolic, she was drunk driving alone one night, hit another car, fled the scene, and when I got home from work, there was a police cruiser in my driveway. Of course, by the time the police got the call from the motorist she hit, ran my ex's plate and got to our house, she got the smell of booze off her and being middle class white people in the suburbs, the cop did not even think to ask if she had been drinking. 
• But, you might ask, did you ever ask her to get help? Of course. Many times. Her reaction was either to deny she had a problem or, more typically, blame me for her drinking. See, *I* was the reason she drank, she had no responsibility whatsoever (that's sarcasm).
• She accused me of sleeping with her then 19-year-old niece because her niece committed the unpardonable sin of <checks notes> asking me for advice with a problem she was having instead of asking my then-wife. 
• She was unemployed for more than three years. Why, you ask? She didn't feel like working even though I lost my job at one point while she was not working so we were both unemployed. She didn't even bother applying for unemployment. When I would ask her to look for work, she responded that because I had gone to law school and didn't work (except for summers) while I was in school, this was like being in law school for her. Yes, gentle reader, she compared getting a law degree to sitting on a couch watching TV for three years while being half in the bag.
• She constantly belittled me in front of her own family and mine because she was mad I did not want to work at a big law firm. And while she constantly complained I didn't make enough money, when we divorced, she unsurprisingly was happy to take all that money. 
• When we were 'trying' (half-heartedly) to conceive a child, she claimed her inability to get pregnant was due to - wait for it - my having smoked pot when I was a teenager, not her being overweight, an alcoholic, or a smoker. Of course, when I had my semen analyzed, the OB-GYN told her my sample was one of the most fertile (and motile) she had ever processed. Talk of children ended shortly thereafter.
• She dragged out our divorce for months, refusing to move out of the house (which I decided to stay in and refinance the mortgage) and making life miserable for almost six months.
• She badmouthed me to her family and mine after we split up while I kept my mouth shut. Reader, being the bigger person was not an easy thing to do, but I did it, even though I could have aired all of the above (and more). 

I could go on, but I have no guilt about celebrating her death. I am THRILLED she is dead. She was an emotionally abusive person who made my life miserable for almost 20 years. The psychological damage she inflicted will never heal and the financial hit I took paying her out in the divorce cost me almost $200,000. She is one of the meanest, ugliest (in the personality sense) people I have ever known and I was SO HAPPY to hear her last years were difficult - that she had health problems, that she died alone and no one even knew she was dead for two days, that she never got help for her drinking - all of the things I *knew* would happen, that her life would be a pathetic little jumble, came true. Her obituary is depressing in how little could be said about her time on Earth. Yes, there is satisfaction in being vindicated in your assessment of another person's awfulness, especially one who was so classless, so lacking in any redeeming qualities, and took ZERO responsibility for her actions. I am happy you are dead, you miserable, evil woman.