June 10

Recently, New York magazine had a cover story called "This is a Chad." It was about so-called "incels" (involuntarily celibate) men who undergo various types of plastic and reconstructive surgery to look more like a "Chad," which the community uses as slang for a desirable man. It's mostly jawlines and noses, inferiority hoping to be cured by a square jaw or higher cheekbones seems like an incredible waste of money to me - like, go to counseling instead, but that was less the point than my thinking about the term "incel." 

It is now used as shorthand for the (unfortunate) proliferation of mass violence attacks by these men who incubate in misogyny online, marinating in their hatred for women because they are not getting laid. But here is the thing, a lot of people - men and women - are "involuntarily celibate." Ask yourself a simple question - "would you like to have sex?" If the answer is "yes" but then you answer "no" to the follow-up, "are you having sex?" PRESTO, you are an incel. There are surely married people who are in this situation, single people too, so "incel" is an insufficient term for this subset of people who want to get frisky but are not.

I would like to have sex but am not, but instead of directing anger outward, I am more clear eyed. There are certain things that limit me that have nothing to do with anyone else and who I do not blame for my singledom. I mean, I live in a suburb, I am nearly 50, I do not go out much, and I am a slave to my routine. These are but a few of the reasons I rarely date, and while it is not an ideal state of affairs, in fact, I bemoan it regularly, unless/until I do something about it, things will basically remain as is. I accept that, I know that, I understand that, so I do not need a doctor to laser off my back hair or recreate a nicer hairline thinking it will make a difference.

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