February 10

I ended up doing some house work yesterday. Nothing like hoovering up an enormous amount of dust and cat hair to focus the mind ...

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February 9

Just another lather-rinse-repeat Sunday. Boxing and hours on the couch staring at TV, quietly dreading the week to come.

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February 8

Politics have exhausted me this week. I know there is an ebb and flow to the insanity in DC but this is as low as I have felt since Kavanaugh got confirmed. We all know the fix is in, but to see it happen in real time, to see elected officials make a mockery of the oath they swear all in blind allegiance to Trump makes me sick to my stomach.

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February 6

It has been a stressful week. Tuesday, my car was in the shop. Yesterday, I went to see my doctor (again). Today, I had to get x-rays done before work. It taxes my energy and I am just ready for it to be the weekend when I can crawl under a blanket and hide from the world.

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February 5

I took my car in for servicing yesterday. It is one of those chores that being single is made more complicated. You have to rely on a "shuttle" to the office, then you wait for the call that your car is ready. They send another "shuttle" to pick you up and it is all very anxiety-creating even though typing it out makes it seem like no big deal.

Today, I am going back to the doctor. The antibiotics he prescribed for my chest congestion did not clear it up so I am just going under the assumption it's lung cancer and I have like three months to live because that's the way my brain works.

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February 3

The Super Bowl was played last night. I did not watch much of the game. Things like this used to be must see TV for me, but aside from dipping in and out a few times, I was in bed before the fourth quarter started. AMC was re-running Breaking Bad, which I found far more compelling.

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February 2

What I was trying to say yesterday about The Good Place is I found it so affecting because I have been ready to go, for some time, if I am being totally honest. The only things I live for are my two cats. I do not talk to anyone in my family anymore, the few friends I do have would be sad if I was gone but they would get over it, and I have spent the last decade trying to find someone to love (and who would love me) and instead have had a succession of emotionally unavailable and highly manipulative women come through the door whose prime interest in me has been money and not affection. I hate my dead-end job but I cannot afford to quit it. I go through the motions of life every day without actually living. To borrow from Eleanor Shellstrop, THIS is the Bad Place.

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February 1

I watched the series finale for The Good Place last night. It was lovely. In a way, how could it not. If the premise for the after life is that even if you did not initially earn entry into an eternal paradise, you would receive limitless mulligans after your death where you prove your worthiness instead of being subjected to endless penis flattening or bees with teeth, we can all get behind such a construction. And once there, you can idle away eternity learning how to whittle wood or pave driveways or read all the books you want while also having portals that take you back to any point in your mortal life where you could relive those experiences. And once you have checked off everything on your bucket list, you have sucked the marrow out of the after life, you have played your perfect game of Madden or received the validation from your parents you constantly sought but never received, you can walk through a meditative forest, walk through a door, and peace out. 

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January 31

Today was lining up to be a run-of-the-mill day, which is to say, mostly shitty but as soon as I got to work, my old assistant came by my office. To her credit, she has been helping my new assistant get acclimated to the job but she is also talking shit about the new assistant basically non-stop. 

I am not here for the drama swirl and it ends up getting me wound up because there are few things in life I hate more than someone complaining about something for which there is not a solution. Is the new assistant great? No. Is she as good as the old assistant? No. Am I going to make a big stink about it? No. I just show up and (sort of) do my job. I do not want to get involved and to listen to 10 minutes of complaining about something that I do not care about and there is nothing that can be done is a waste of my time. 

On top of it, she wound me up about the office in general and it quickly devolved into triggering my own annoyance and frustration about the way things run as it relates to me and when that happens it just sets me off on a rage spiral that basically makes it impossible for me to think rationally. I just get consumed with how shitty I get treated and it makes me want to quit, which I can't do. So, not only do I get irrationally angry over something that will not change, it diverts me from doing work that might take my mind off of how pissed off I am.

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January 30

An honest dating profile: Everything in the house is covered in cat hair. All the toilet seats are in the upright position. I am usually in bed by 9 p.m. Most public places make me uncomfortable and I spend my weekends grocery shopping and watching TV. 

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