This week on Succession … Logan celebrates a birthday, Ken, Shiv, and Roman make a play, and Greg gets a little kinky. And now, the Power Rankings:
1. The Rebel Alliance (final Season 3 ranking: T-8): Team work makes the dream work and if you had spent this episode honing your pitch, locking down graphic design, and securing more high end talent for The Hundred instead of pilfering PGM from Logan, your dad might have (grudgingly) acknowledged how nice it was to see the three of you all fist bumps and hugs and kisses working together. Was it all peaches and cream? No. The subtle digs, eye rolls, and skepticism borne of a lifetime in competition with one another were all still there, but … less so. Every argument did not lead to someone storming out or screaming profanities. Consensus, or at least what passes for it, was the name of the game and when Tom inadvertently dropped some intel you could monetize, you saw the appeal of a turnkey operation that has fallen on hard times as a better (albeit more expensive) bet than a start up that may or may not be the revolutionary news media concern of the 21st century. To be sure, the flaws are still there - Roman’s dismissive treatment of the staff, Ken’s overinflated view of his business acumen (like his buyout of Vaulter, he is paying more than he should), Shiv’s inexperience - but you knew Nan likes Shiv, hates your dad, and for all her kvelling that money is a construct, wants to get paid. So, you made a conversation ending offer that has the added benefit of denying your dad an acquisition he desperately wants. We shall see if this united front remains intact when the bill comes due for the asset you wildly overvalued.
2. Logan Roy (final Season 3 ranking: 1): Instead of asking why everyone is so happy, pause for a minute and ask why you are so unhappy. Oh right, maybe it is because you treat every relationship in your life as transactional, which explains why the only people celebrating your birthday are the sycophants, hangers on, and, in your words, pygmies, who rely on your largesse for their livelihood and are naturally reluctant to take you up on your offer of an impromptu roasting while you await word on the deal for PGM. Your family (aside from Connor, who needs *another* $100 million bridge loan) is nowhere to be found. That you need to enlist your security guard for a philosophical discussion of the afterlife and cold call Cyd to complain about the ball sack in a toupee you see on your TV screen as you watch ATN’s late night programming says something about your isolation and your head space. It is natural for a man to ponder his mortality as he ages, but perhaps you also realize the legacy you have assiduously worked to create is crumbling. While you unleashed venom at your kids, dismissing them for just saying the highest number, you ignored the fact they absorbed your business philosophy - "money wins."
3. Nan Pierce (final Season 3 ranking: NR): Yes Nan, numbers are confusing, and we get that you are at sea. The man who offered you $25 billion back at Tern Haven is now treating your family business like its in the bargain bin at 75 percent off. But not to worry, his overeager children have swooped in with a face-saving bid at the eleventh hour. Is there still a red dot on the price tag? Sure, but when you want to sell and begin a comfortable retirement, is it really your job to worry that some fourth-generation-from-now Pierce heir might have to <gasp> do actual work instead of living off the interest on the deal you are about to make?
4. Kerry Castellbate (final Season 3 ranking: 5): With Marcia off in Milan on an indefinite shopping trip, you have done a nice bit of rebranding. While the more puritanical might tsk tsk your arrangement with Logan, you have become a “friend, assistant, and advisor.” A hostess who intercepts non-vetted party guests. An intermediary who tries to bridge the gap between your boss and his now estranged children who openly ridicule you. And a confidante who has been brought into the fold for counsel when deals hang in the balance. It’s a grey area, but you are showing your elbows are as sharp as the cut on your bangs. The Power Rankings are taking note.
5. Tom Wamgsgans (final Season 3 ranking: 3): Betraying your wife has paid dividends. You no longer have to look over your shoulder worrying she might cock block you as she did at Argestes. Logan has entrusted you with landing the plane on his post-GoJo plan to acquire Pierce and focus exclusively on his media empire. But is this really you Tom? Another rich guy in New York City putting notches on his bed post uncertain whether Logan will even keep you around once you and Shiv divorce? You have been around the Roy family long enough to know that there is a clear division of labor in Logan’s world. Family is never truly exiled while the hired help are always on tenterhooks wondering if the axe will fall on them. Attempting to straddle that line so your future is secure requires a level of deftness and tact you may not possess, especially when the Pierce deal blew up because you told Shiv about your dinner with Naomi. If there is a silver lining, that heart-to-heart with Shiv was a good reminder why your marriage did not work. While you tried to be earnest, she was gas lighting your entire relationship, pretending she did not treat you like a disposable meat puppet.
6. Cousin Greg (final Season 3 ranking: 4): We get it, Greg. Once upon a time, the Power Rankings were up and coming in the world of politics, seduced by the sudden presence of women who showed us interest. Your confidence is sky high and you have no qualms about pulling out the family card when Kerry questions your plus one at the birthday party or engaging in some below-the-equator rummaging with Bridget in one of the many guest bedrooms in Uncle Loge’s townhouse. But you need to bring more to the table than newfound swagger if you want to advance in this game.
7. Colin Stiles (final Season 3 ranking: NR): When it comes to security, you do it well. You are discreet, keep your mouth shut, and do not ask a lot of questions. When the job description drifts into the existential realm of the meaning of life, you are not quite as sure footed. Thankfully, Logan does not actually care about what you have to say as much as he values your mere presence while he ruminates. But not to worry, as soon as you get back to his mansion, Kerry has a cell phone for you to go through to scrub any record of a party Logan barely bothered attending.
8. Cyrus Tellis (final Season 3 ranking: NR): The blinding insight you learned at Harvard Business School was that a company is worth what the highest bidder is willing to pay for it. Perfect. Thank you, Captain Obvious. In the real world, you will quickly learn that working for the Roy kids is not so different than working for the Roy dad. They are demanding, mercurial, and will toss you overboard faster than you can say “no real person involved” if things go south even if it’s not your fault. If you don’t quit, your only other option is to grin and bear it while the math on your multi-million dollar deal fee dances in your head.
9. Connor Roy (final Season 3 ranking: 7): You are nothing if not consistent. Time after time you have shown yourself to be the world heavyweight champion of losing your fortune. Whether it was blowing a quick $10 million on political consultants, millions more on tons of mite-infested sand for your faux girlfriend’s failed play, or the nine figures you have burned through for one whole percent in your quixotic, third-party quest for the White House, you are like a one-man economic stimulus package for people who know how to take advantage of you.
10. Bridget (final Season 3 ranking: NR): Are you a hostile corporate asset or just a social climber gutsy enough to click a selfie with Logan to goose your social media presence? Either way, getting frisky in the home of one of the most powerful business leaders in the world is the kind of thing to check off your bucket list on what we expect to be you and your capaciously large handbag's one-and-done appearance on the Power Rankings.
Not Ranked: Marcia Roy. Willa Ferreyra. Gerri Kellman. Shakespeare Frank Vernon. Karl Muller. Naomi Pierce. Bun Pierce. Cyd Peach. Lukas Mattson. Mondale the Dog. The Disgusting Brothers. Brass Bands, Confetti Canons, Jet Packs, and Bum Fights. Crunchy Peanut Butter. The Old Wacky Tabacky. 1933.
