Did Logan and Kendall Pull A Fast One on Everybody?

As all of us basked in the plot twist ending of the Succession season finale, the Greek tragedy of Kendall metaphorically killing his dad by blowing the whistle on him, Tara Ariano, the co-host of a Succession podcast The Sweet Smell of Succession had an alternate theory. To Ariano, the whole thing seemed like a clever ploy by Logan to do the thing his shareholders were demanding (having him step down) but done so in a way that made his number one boy look heroic, thereby swaying the wavering institutional shareholders to toe the line and vote against Sandy and Stewie’s proxy slate. 

There are two large holes in Ariano’s theory (one of which was pointed out by her co-host Dave Chensky) about which I will discuss later, but let us conduct a quick thought experiment about why this might be the best reading of what happened.

First, Succession is nothing if not intentional. The main storyline during the second half of season two (the cruise line scandal) was a seed planted all the way back in the fourth episode of season one. How many times were we reminded that Gerri is the placeholder if anything happens to Logan? The decision was made in the second season’s first episode, but her position was referenced multiple times, at Tern Haven (by Logan), at Argestes (by Roman), and again in last night’s season finale. Even if Logan is unaware of the weird thing between Gerri and Roman, he noted his youngest son’s good work in attempting to lock down the sovereign wealth money, re-instituting Roman as lone COO while Shakespeare Frank is left to clean up the mess in the cruise line division. Logan, understanding Gerri’s loyalty (something he also mentioned in the finale), Roman’s sudden competence, and handing the actual shit work to a trusted and long-time staffer, would set up Waystar nicely in a post-Logan world.

Second, Logan likes using the hidden hand technique. At several times in season two, Logan successfully masked his role (and intention) by using proxies. The first time was in The Vaulter where he used Kendall as a Trojan Horse to convince Lawrence to cough up the real information about the site and to tamp down the staff’s pending unionization. The cloak and dagger worked - Larry turned over all the information Kendall needed to find the profit centers (weed and food) while avoiding the messy problem of almost 500 unionized employees, who were instead shitcanned with no notice and little severance. 

The second time was in Return, where he used Rhea to trick Shiv into having Rhea float her name as a possible CEO of PGM. The whole move was done to get Shiv to stop asking about taking over for Logan and again, it worked. And of course, Shiv’s prominence during the attempted PGM acquisition had a lot to do with her gender and her politics, both of which Logan understood would make his offer to the Pierces more palatable. 

Considered in this context, Kendall’s betrayal could be seen as the ultimate hidden hand maneuver. Logan’s sacrifice of Kendall was done in front of his entire brain trust and after every other option had been exhausted. If he wanted to make sure everyone would fall for the ruse, he had to dismiss the sovereign wealth idea, the negotiated settlement with Stewie, and cycling through all the other non-Kendall employee options before getting to the obvious answer. 

By having everyone buy into the idea that “it has to be Ken,” it makes the fake betrayal all the more believable (while also exposing everyone else’s venality as they collectively breathe a sigh of relief to be off the chopping block). Logan takes the heat off his company by taking the fall for the cruise line problems, the company moves on (presumably with greater transparency and policies), and most importantly, remains in the family. 

From a storytelling perspective, it also makes the most sense. While all may look chaotic, Logan can quietly work behind the scenes continuing to play puppet master even as he is presumably barred from publicly participating in any Waystar business. It also frees up Kendall to continue with the company, leaves Tom in place (and untouched by the scandal) with Roman, Shiv, and Gerri all jockeying atop the pyramid. 

The one big hole, and it is a glaring one, in this theory is the final scene between Logan and Kendall. While the characters may need to see Logan’s actions in a particular light, the audience does not. Logan’s whole Inca sacrifice story is unnecessary to anyone other the the viewer if this is all a work. Put differently, that scene is not only unnecessary if Logan is pulling a stunt, it actively undermines the storytelling by including it. It is not a small thing and to me, the most compelling evidence that this was not some three-dimensional chess maneuver but rather, a final break between father and son. 

The second hole is smaller, but worth noting. The hidden hand theory assumes that Logan was tipped about Greg’s continued possession of incriminating documents and pulled him in to the plot. It is, as we say in the law, assuming facts not in evidence. Granted, we did not see Greg’s testimony and during Tom’s, Greg melted down so bad Logan kicked him out of the war room they were using. Of course, Logan did tell Greg he liked him when Greg dropped his “Grexit” bomb in Dundee, so maybe Greg, ladder climber that he is, tipped Kendall (who did him the solid of hooking him up with a condo) about his secret stash (which would also take the heat off Greg with Grandpa Ewan). 

I guess we will find out when season three airs.

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Succession Power Rankings - This Is Not For Tears

Previous Power Rankings:

DC Dundee Return Argestes 

Tern Haven Safe Room Hunting The Vaulter

This week on Succession … Roman makes an escape. Shiv has a present for Tom. Kendall hatches a plan. And now, the Power Rankings:   

1. Kendall Roy (last week: 3): While all of us expected a biblical conclusion with the old man sacrificing you at the altar, your eyes were firmly set on Greek mythology. It is hard to know what was the final straw that made you decide to make a kamikaze run at your dad. Maybe it was when he dragged you into the home of the boy you killed or the tepid response to your KenWA rap. He may not have liked the good reviews you got when you fricasseed Gil Eavis or he simply could not stomach the idea you found a little bit of happiness with a kindred spirit across the Roy/Pierce divide. Whatever it was, you realized that blackmail stops working when you no longer allow yourself to be pressured by it. Might your dad go nuclear and spill the tea on your own personal Chappaquiddick? Maybe, but you decided it was time to take a stand and show him you are a killer. And so, with the help of a cousin who returned the favor of your giving him a sick condo by handing you the receipts that will blow the cruise line scandal wide open, and in front of an assembled media horde who expected you to take the fall, you pulled the pin on a grenade that might end up sinking the entire ship Fuck Off. But at least you are free. 

2. Sandy Furness & Stewie Houssani (last week: not ranked): It looks like slow and steady may yet win this race. Without doing much of anything, you now have the whip hand. While the Roy family flailed about trying to evade your grasp, you just kept plugging along, picking off shareholder support. You were confident enough in your position that you passed on Logan’s last minute peace offering and that was before his number one son pulled off the biggest heel turn since Hulk Hogan joined the nWo. The only question is whether you still want this now poisoned chalice. 

3. Cousin Greg(ory): (last week: 9): Perhaps we did not appreciate the subtle game of one Gregory Hirsch. After all, when we first met him, he was smoking swag weed and vomiting out of the eyes of an amusement park costume. His toenails are not aesthetically pleasing and he is socially awkward, a benign fungus, if you will. But Greg has quietly navigated Roy family politics, an affable Ichabod Crane riding the bench and doling out high fives when the coach calls a time out. Sure, he picked up a bit of a coke habit and does not exactly shine when the lights are brightest, but he wisely switched horses mid-stream, moving out of Tom’s orbit and making a key ally in Kendall. While Greg needed some time to find good dealers to keep our number one boy on an even keel, he recognized the value in having a corporate secret or two up his sleeve. Now, Greg(ory) finds himself in an enviable win/win scenario. Turning evidence against Uncle Loges might get Grandpa Grumps to reconsider disinheriting him and riding shotgun with Kendall may turn out to be even more profitable than the $250 million hanging in the balance. Kudos Greg, you negotiated your own Grexit.  

4. Logan Roy (last week: 1): Self-pity is not a good look even when you are staring down an existential threat to your rule, but you spent much of the time on your floating city ruminating on the injustice being hurled against you. Stepping down would be the right thing to do, but that is not the way you roll. It was telling that when you had a nautical Boar-on-the-Floor without the sausages, every person in your inner circle immediately pointed fingers instead of taking responsibility. This is the culture you nurtured. Gil Eavis may have pompously quoted Emerson, but he was not wrong, the company is a reflection of the man, and in this case, you value self-preservation over all else. You had no problem doing the sterile corporate math that one Kendall was a greater blood sacrifice than Gerri, Tom, and Karl (with a Greg sprinkle) combined. And when it came time to break the news to Ken, the best you could do was a half-hearted gesture to the nobility of sacrifice, but your heart was not really in it. When your son wanted the one thing you could have given him even if it was not true - validation that he could have done the job - you showed your true stripes, grumbling that he did not have what it takes. As Ken publicly turned the tables on you, was that half-smile an admission that you underestimated him or a frisson of excitement at the next game afoot? 

5. Shiv Roy (last week: 2): When handed the opportunity to play CEO, when you were at the most intimate of tables, the place you yearned to be, with a man deciding the future fate of his company, your birthright, and a future he promised, you folded. You may be able to push around scared whistleblowers and be glib in front of a crowd of fellow one-percenters, but when the time came to swing the sword, when emotion had to be removed from the equation, your midwestern meat puppet, the man you have been stepping on and humiliating even before you exchanged wedding vows, finally forced you to find the tiniest sliver of humanity. Will it last? Will it matter? Who knows. If your dad finds a way to maintain power, you have one less sibling to worry about, but in the meantime, you need to do more than spoon feed Tom a fantasy threesome to make your marriage work. 

6. Roman Roy (last week: 4): The hero of Asia closed out the season on a high note. Ro got a verbal agreement from a shady oligarch with enough fuck you money to take Waystar private, but was honest enough with himself (and Logan) to admit that if the money was actually needed, the offer was not solid. With Ken on the chopping block, he even got his old job back, but the victory may be pyrrhic. On the personal front, Tabs seems to be MIA, but you are more than happy to throw yourself in front of Gerri to save her bacon. Your unlikely ascent to the throne could still happen, you just need something untoward to happen to your dad and for Sandy and Stewie to decide the squeeze is no longer worth the juice. Keep your powder dry and your little dick ready, Mole Woman and Tarzan may yet run the show. 

7. Gerri Killman (last week: 6): Sometimes putting emotional labor into a relationship pays off. Your partner treats you to a nice evening out on the town or is simply present when you need to process the struggles of your day. And while it would be nice to let your hair down and have a companion to mix you that martini as you try to wash off the latest dirt you had to handle on behalf of the Roy family, Roman steering the herd cull away from you was a greater reward for helping him work out his sexual kinks than any day at the spa. 

8. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 10): I will not lie, the early returns did not look good. You were the least enthusiastic participant in a threesome in, basically, the history of threesomes. You were the logical man to toss overboard after your embarrassing performance in front of the Senate and, not for anything, you actually did cover-up all the dirty dealings in the cruise line division. If someone deserved to have his head put on a spike, you were definitely at the top of the list. But you pulled a trump card. You looked at Shiv with those sad eyes and told her your marriage was not working. YOU’RE NOT A HIPPIE FOR GOODNESS SAKES! You are just a square from the midwest with old-fashioned values like not being cool with your wife catching some random cock when she feels like it. You were no longer going to be the doormat she wiped her feet on or the robot who mindlessly carried out her orders, even if it meant giving up the lavish lifestyle you have grown accustomed to. You stood up for yourself. You ate Logan's chicken. But in true Wamgsganian fashion, it may have been too little, too late. 

9. Jess (last week: not ranked): It would be unfair to close out the season without acknowledging our number one boy's number one assistant. As is usually the case, Jess's lines are few, but her presence is meaningful. Serving as Kendall’s assistant is no picnic, between arranging satellite offices for a soon-to-be-shuttered website to triaging the payouts for his petty thefts, hers is a thankless job. But it may turn out to be an important one if Kendall survives the civil war he just started among the Roy clan. 

10. Connor Roy (last week: 5): Tough week for Connor. Just as the nascent Conn-Head movement is picking up steam and his campaign is gaining traction by making his Senate hearing fist pump go viral, all those suction cups connected to his bank account  - the real deal pieces of shit political consultants and the rent-a-girlfriend-who-is-not-really-a-playwright who saw a mark a mile away - have finally milked him dry. The Bank of D-A-D is ready to give you that $100 million lifeline, but there is a simple string attached, two actually. One is the obvious - ending the horse shit pipe dream you had of being President. The other, less so, the truth bomb he dropped, that you are basically as useless as the fake Napoleon dick you bought for half-a-mil. Time to head back to the desert, Connor. 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy; Willa; Tabitha; Hugo Baker; Karolina; Jamie (Laird); the unnamed yacht employee with whom Shiv and Tom were going to have their threesome; the merlot waterboard; Gil Eavis; Nate; Eduard; Naomi Pierce. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy

Succession Power Rankings - DC

Previous Power Rankings 

Dundee Return Argestes Tern Haven

Safe Room Hunting The Vaulter

This week on Succession … Logan and Kendall go to Congress, Roman takes a trip, and Shiv visits a playground. And now, the Power Rankings: 

1. Logan Roy (last week: 1): You are plausible and appealing even when you are lying. Karolina and Hugo drafted a great opening statement for your testimony in front of the Senate, not a single word of which was true. You sent off Roman to search for your white knight sovereign wealth fund savior while telling Rhea all was good in the world. This is what you do, this is who you are. But in that quiet moment when the ATN anchors are flooding the media bloodstream with your preferred spin and it looks like you are in the clear, you are honest enough with yourself (and your suddenly back-in-favor youngest child) to know that tossing a middle manager like Bill to the wolves will not be enough. No, you are about to go biblical, sacrificing your number one boy at the altar of public opinion to save yourself and avoid losing control of the company you have run for a half-century. 

2. Shiv Roy (last week: 3): In the shitstorm of conflicting interests swirling around that hearing room, you knew just what to do. There was no saving your helpless husband from a verbal beatdown by your former boss, but that was just a sideshow. The real action was taking place behind the scenes. In D.C., everything is transactional. Gil did not accept Bill as the scalp to hang on his wall because he thought he had your dad over a barrel in the form of a second whistleblower who would put a human (and more importantly, female) face on the dirty dealings in the cruise line division. But you outmaneuvered Gil. It may have been soft skills lady duty shit work, but you wove a story with just the right amount of believability, earnestness and faux sincerity to a frightened witness who knew she was in over her head. Is that dinosaur cull you promised at Argestes going to happen? Probably not. But in that moment, when you needed to sell it to a vulnerable woman unsure of her next move, you made it sound believable. 

3. Kendall Roy (last week: 4): Our number one boy has come a long way from that stuttering "dad's plan was better" appearance on TV at the beginning of the season. Then, Ken was still in shock over the life he had taken (not to mention the spa treatment that was so rudely interrupted). Now, he has the chops to go mano-a-mano with a candidate for President of the these United States and walk away with his head held high. Of course, they say no good deed goes unpunished, a lesson it appears he is about to learn. Kendall's reward for trying to clean up the cruise line division while he was in charge and then taking charge when Logan started to mumble incoherently during his testimony will be serving as the sacrificial lamb to the shareholders in order to put down Sandy and Stewie’s takeover attempt once and for all. But hey, at least Naomi showed up to support him. Better not mention you have been drowning in pussy Kendall, she will either be jealous or want phone numbers. 

4. Roman Roy (last week: 6): People like you Roman. You are the kind of guy who can keep rich white men loose during a hostage situation, sorry, administrative action function, with a quick game of  “fuck/marry/kill.” And while no one will mistake you for Vince Lombardi when it comes to giving pep talks to football players (football, soccer, do you even know the difference?) your dad got you hyped up enough to convince you that you can stick your little dick into the right hole and have $10 billion fall out of it. Assuming you make it out alive, you may be able to tell your dad you got laid, even if it had nothing to do with actually having sex. One step at a time. 

5. Connor Roy (last week: 10): Just a steady week for our Don Quixote of Iowa, tilting at straw polls. Sometimes it is enough to be there for moral support and not-so-subtle fist pumps when your half-brother shish-kebobs a stuffed-shirt Senator while low key eyeballing the domain you wish to rule. If there is time, you might even duck into a Conn-Head meeting before flying back to New York hoping ticket sales for Willa's play have improved.

6. Gerri Killman (last week: not ranked): When the bear is chasing two people, you do not need to outrun the bear, just the other person it is chasing. For someone who everyone agrees is neck deep in the shit, you keep walking away smelling like a rose. From Boar on the Floor to the halls of Congress, nothing sticks to you. Now that you have escaped D.C. unscathed, it is time to go home, pour yourself a martini, and wonder why Roman has not called for his nightly verbal humiliation.  

7. Rhea Jarrell (last week: 2): Well, it was fun while it lasted. You did not really believe you could seamlessly shift from being CEO of PGM to Waystar Royco, did you? Nan’s company is Shakespeare and star gazing. Logan’s is a dumpster fire pirate death ship constantly teetering on the edge of disaster. At your first meeting with Logan you told him you had a delicate tummy, making a joke that the one thing they eat at PGM is Pulitzer, but it was clear you had no stomach for doing the dirty work required to keep the good ship Fuck Off churning along. When it came time to put the screws to Kira, you begged off, and now you get to start a new chapter in your life working at a telephone company. Hey, it’s all gravy, right?

8. Gil Eavis (last week: not ranked): That brief moment in the sun when you worked Tom like a speedbag is providing this temporary return to the Power Rankings, but when it came time to tangle with Kendall and Shiv, you were the one knocked on your ass reaching for your mouthpiece. Instead of taking the easy win - a bad guy to pin the blame on (Bill) and covering fire from ATN, who would go after your political opponents, you did what you always do, you overreached. You are the kind of guy who thinks quoting Emerson makes you smart, but when the gloves came off, they had knives and you had a book on philosophy. 

9. Cousin Greg(ory) (last week: 8): You fucked up the easiest game of "Let's Make A Deal" in history. Behind Door #1 was a quarter of a billion dollars. Let me repeat that. A. Quarter. Of. A. Billion. Dollars. All you had to do was quit your job vetting ATN on-air talent for Nazi sympathies and not spend your Thanksgiving shredding evidence of corporate malfeasance. That is it. Behind Door #2 was a misguided belief your Uncle Logan would protect you and not throw you overboard faster than you can say "no real person involved" when the world found out you hitched your wagon to a guy who emailed you "you can't make a tomlette without cracking a few greggs" 67 times. Sure, you are still in line to inherit $5 million when your sturdy grandpa finally passes on, but that kind of money will make you un poco loco Gregory. It is not enough to retire on, but too much to force you to work. Instead of a quarter bil, you are now the world's tallest dwarf, the weakest strongman at the circus. 

10. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 9): You earned that pithy B+ (bad plus terrible) grade Frank tagged you with. Did you really think a lack of preparation was the reason why you melted under the hot lights of the Senate committee room like the smirking block of feta cheese The Atlantic said you were? If you were not married to the boss's daughter, you would have been banished from the Power Rankings long ago. 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy; Willa; Naomi Pierce; Don Grundham and the Conn-Heads at the Institute for a Competitive America; Bill Lockhart; Karolina; Hugo Baker; Jamie; Eduard; Hearts FC; Dave the Security Guard; Colin; Stewy; Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphilis); the Brightstar Cruise Line; the Florida Gang; Senator Roberts; Nate; the Great National Latrine; Sandy's Six Shell Companies; The Cruise Ship Dirty Sex Cover-Up Party; Kira; James Weissel; Tabitha; Karl. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Succession Power Rankings - Dundee

This week on Succession … Kendall meets a woman. Connor has a sand problem. Roman buys Logan a gift.  And now, the Power Rankings:

1. Logan Roy (last week: 1): A dollar bill got you the fuck out of Scotland and on your way to becoming one of the richest, most influential men in the world. Your family, friends, and even some enemies have convened in your hometown to celebrate your life’s achievements but you are so preoccupied you do not see the walls are starting to close in. Your big brother did not fly in to reminisce about the birds you once spotted at the bandstand. No, he came to Dundee hoping to dance a little jig on your grave when all that dirty laundry you have threatened, cajoled, and paid people off to keep quiet about all these years goes public. Plus, you might have been a bit hasty in renegotiating your last divorce because Marcia has one foot out the door. 

2. Rhea Jarrell (last week: 2): We see your game here at the Power Rankings and are not unimpressed. You lean into your smallness - a mere hummingbird, or perhaps a butterfly in the ointment - to mask your sharp elbows and taste for the jugular. The Roy kids tried a death-by-a-thousand-cuts move (have you been tested for STDs? is your mom a democratic socialist?!) and you countered with a little game of divide and conquer. On the surface, it seemed to work. Sure, Roman scoffed when you complimented his instincts and Kendall knows he is not getting out of the rock tumbler (or wearing the Big Trousers, s/o Tom Wamgsgans) anytime soon, but your fawning had its intended effect. They, and Connor (who has his own problems to deal with) bailed when Shiv issued her call to arms to take you down. But you have not been around the family long enough to see the error in your strategy. The kids are not going anywhere no matter how many wedges you try to insert between them. The real action is out in the stables, where the shit shovelers are failing to make the latest scandal disappear - precisely the type of intel an incoming CEO would want to know before accepting the job and having that bomb explode in her face. 

3. Shiv Roy (last week: 6): Your dad made you an offer and you are going to redeem that coupon or go down swinging. Your brothers are unwilling to join the Resistance but that ended up accruing to your benefit. While Kendall is off with Jennifer, Connor is sweating his finances, and Roman is flirting with Eduard, Gerri, Frank, and the rest of the What The Fuck Are We Going To Do Committee looked to you for their marching orders. No one wants to tell Logan that the storm warning threat or the eight figure hush money offer failed to move the needle with the Weasel-Man. He is going to spill the cruise line's secrets publicly and whoever Logan announces as his successor at Dundee will get hit with the sharpnel. So, you play the double game masterfully. You keep the bad news away from your dad and, with every ounce of faux sincerity you can muster, tell him he needs to trust his gut, knowing he will go with Rhea, thereby sending her directly into the line of fire for what you hope will be the shortest CEO tenure in history. 

4. Ewan Roy (last week: not ranked): If revenge is a dish best served cold, the plate you handed your younger brother must have been sourced somewhere north of the Arctic Circle. Sure, the quarter billion dollar inheritance you are dangling over your grandson’s head is there because of Logan’s hard work, but you cannot see past your own bitterness and resentment that he made it and you are living off his success. Are you the silent deep pocket funding the whistleblower? Maybe. Does it matter. Nope. You are seeing red, but when you call Logan morally bankrupt, accuse him of whoring for the climate deniers, and mock his empire of shit, you are really just projecting your own insecurity onto him. Give me Uncle Fun over Grandpa Grumps any day of the week. 

5. Kendall Roy (last week: 9): Some lessons are harder learned than others. For most of the season, you seemed to understand that keeping your head down, your dad properly medicated, and your mouth shut was the best way to stay in the old man's good graces. Were there downsides? Sure. You know full well your barely-under-control drug habit and the messy little business with Andrew Dodds will forever keep you out of the top job, but a cozy perch in the C suite was a nice consolation prize. Unfortunately, you could not leave well enough alone. You stood up to Logan when he backhanded Roman at Argestes and you questioned his judgment in carrying on an affair with Rhea. So you got punished. A quick visit to the home of the young man you killed resulted in a predictable change in attitude. Instead of playing the game of thrones, you brushed up on your white man rapping skills (Ken-W-A in the mother fucking house, y'all) and engaged in some century-defining fucking with the star of Willa's will-not-even-make-it-to-opening-night play; and when she embarrasses you in front of your dad, you still have the good sense to ship her ass back to the City faster than she can say "awesome" (again).   

6. Roman Roy (last week: 5): There is an old saying that you should not confuse motion with progress and for much of the season, Roman has been languishing in the middle of the Power Rankings pack, spinning his wheels but never actually going anywhere. This episode was a good example of why. If the Power Rankings were measured solely on who gets in the most sick burns, he would be our number one boy every week; but when it comes time to do the nuts and bolts of ladder climbing, he can never make it past the middle rung, largely because he skips the small details, like remembering the football club his dad supports or knowing the price of a gallon of milk. Roman's plan to reach the top revolves around something untoward happening to Logan so his kink-friendly general counsel will put him and his little dick in charge. Seems thin. 

7. Marcia Roy (last week: not ranked): You may not pee the carpet at every crack of thunder, but you do have your pride. If Logan wants to dip his quill in another ink well, that's fine, so long as he is discreet about it. But when his latest paramour throws a very public party for him, you can only keep up a brave face for so long. Over your years, you have fought and won and you have fought and lost. File this one away as a loss and be thankful you are about to fuck off just as the Waystar ship hits the iceberg. Let’s hope Logan is still liquid enough to make your golden years comfortable. 

8. Cousin Greg(ory)(last week: 4): Negotiating the finer points of the Grexit is not in your skill set. Getting a tip from Uncle Logan that your grandfather is a coward who would never have the balls to cut you out of his will is a $250 million bet you cannot cover if he is wrong. In the meantime, see if Colin can track down some Neosporin to take care of those sand mite bites before they get infected. 

9. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 10): I can't decide what was more humiliating, almost having a super awkward moment with the peasant Shiv boned while you were playing Boar on the Floor or your clumsy attempt to flirt with Rhea. Your season started with dreams of an accelerated timeline that would put you in charge of the whole company. Now, you are sitting at the kids table, hoping the adults still know you are around. But don’t worry Tom, it is not like the whole cruise line division story is about to blow wide open resulting in your having to testify before Congress. Everything is fine. 

10. Connor Roy (last week: not ranked): You forgot the first rule of having a sugar baby - don't fall in love. Now, you are learning that Willa is not actually a playwright (shocker) and that there is a major difference between construction sand and desert sand. Even if you dodge the inevitable lawsuits stemming from the mites lurking in those nine tons of white powder you now own, it does not matter, your bank account is tapped out. You may super love your dad but I would not hold my breath on his giving you that bridge loan to keep things afloat. 

Not Ranked: Willa; Jennifer; Shakespeare Frank; Eduard; Gerri Killman; Colin; Stewie; Jess; Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphillis); Ratfucker Sam; Sno-Jo; Hearts FC; Karolina; The Jack The Ripper Women's Health Clinic; Hugo Baker; Tacitus; The Calispatron Franchise; The Pushy Sound Engineer; Rosebud; The Barrymore Theater; DJ Squiggle; The Denver Chronicle.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Previous Power Rankings:

Return
Argestes

Tern Haven

Safe Room

Hunting
The Vaulter

Succession Power Rankings - Return

Previous Power Rankings:

Argestes

Tern Haven

Safe Room

Hunting
The Vaulter

This week on Succession … The Roys visit England and Tom and Greg have a cookout … Now, the Power Rankings:

1. Logan Roy (last week: 2): After last week’s humiliation, Sandy and Stewy are throwing sand in your eye with a cheeky little video to the shareholders. It is time to hunker down. Your inbox is the size of Argentina, so let's cross a few things off the list: 

• Item One: Bolster support with major shareholders. No problem. Your ex-wife has 3% (or is it 4%, who can remember the minor details?) of the voting shares and while you cannot so much as bribe her for her support, you can re-open your divorce settlement and drop an eight-figure present into her lap. Coughing up $20 million and forgoing Christmas with your kids instead of relinquishing your $150 million Hamptons getaway was not a tough call. 
• Item Two: Withdraw the CEO offer to Shiv. “Dinosaur-gate” was the final straw in a series of moves that made you sour on naming your daughter as your successor. Luckily, you have a new hatchet woman close by who can make that problem go away. 
• Item Three: Corral your wayward sons. If one is getting a bit too mouthy about your extra curricular activities, a quick trip to visit the family mourning the loss of the guy he killed should snuff out his insolence (not to mention his happiness). If the other is owed an apology for having had his face meet the back of your hand, you just feign ignorance - did you even make contact? 

2. Rhea Jarrell (last week: 8): Like you told Shiv at Argestes, you’re easy come go, easy go, but you backed up your surgical deconstruction of the Roy children with a deft move that handed Logan some breathing room from his hard charging daughter. You did not rise to CEO of a major media corporation by being a mere hummingbird. You know that corporate intrigue is like the game of thrones, you win or you die. For now, you could not have sketched out a better second act than riding shotgun on the Waystar corporate jet while Logan tells you to put together a list of potential CEOs who (coincidentally) will be impressive but flawed, resulting in his defaulting to you as his logical heir.

3. Caroline Collingwood (last week: not ranked): Being the mom to three Roy children is … complicated. You may have threatened to withhold support in the proxy battle to screw over their father or simply squeeze the kids for a visit and a few extra zeroes in your bank account. Regardless, you can handle the easy parts of motherhood like Roman’s tepid negotiating tactics and at this point, guilting Shiv is second nature. At the end of a pleasant meal, you're $20 million richer and will be hosting the kids for Christmas (let's hope you use some of that newfound wealth to hire a chef). But when it comes to the thornier aspects of motherhood, you know, the inconvenient moments when all you want to do is sip some tea and crawl into bed but your eldest son is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and wants to unburden himself, you beg off, promising to pick things up in the morning before predictably bailing on doing even the bare minimum of parenting. Mother of the Year, folks.

4. Cousin Greg(ory) (last week: 6): Like Greg’s ascent within the Waystar empire, this elevation is probably not entirely earned. After all, inviting some like-minded millennials to your lux condo for a confab on ~ the next wave ~ cannot mask your utter ineptitude when it comes to covering up corporate malfeasance. Pro tip Greg, if you are going to foil the polyglot geniuses looking to crack your code, do not label the folder with the highly incriminating documents “secret” and do not blurt out the conspiracy while your iPhone is rolling without getting the target to admit his culpability. Make no mistake, the haircut was a nice touch, but the only reason you have clocked a new high on the Power Rankings is the utter incompetence of the people surrounding you. 

5. Roman Roy (last week: 10): First, the pluses. Well, plus. You got about as close to an apology as you will ever get from your dad after he went Ike Turner on you at Argestes. The rest? Not so great. Gerri considered your Rock Star/Mole Woman pitch seriously right up until her bottom feeding oppo researchers unearthed allegations like “jerked off by your trainer” and “face tattoo," to which you claimed a foggy memory. Sure, Rome. To add insult to injury, your mom does not respect you enough to negotiate her pay off for supporting your dad in the proxy fight, but, like Greg, you are benefitting from your siblings’ almost pathological ability to step on rakes. Oh, and Rhea thinks you have potential. I am sure she is thinking of a nice spot in the Parks division where you and Brian, he of the promiscuous intellect and work hard, play easy vibe, can develop that killer VR concept. 

6. Shiv Roy (last week: 4): You spent the entire episode playing a game you cannot win - "What Does My Dad Think?" That mission statement with the large fonts, generous spacing, and affirming quotes from Thomas Aquinas and Amelia Earhart might work among the idealists you are used to working for, but it's raw meat for the school of piranhas on the Good Ship Fuck Off. For someone steeped in the dirty business of politics, how your Spidey sense did not go off when Rhea floated your name as a possible replacement for her at Pierce suggests her pithy assessment of you - not as smart as she thinks she is - was right on the money. Instead of seeing Rhea’s offer for what it was, a hidden hand move by your dad to get you off his back, you walked right into her trap. Now you are treading water, hoping for a team up with your brothers to take her down.

7. (tie): Stephon Strauss and Kenneth Chen (last week: not ranked): Whatever report you two cough up will probably never see the light of day, but it would be unfair not to reward your efforts in making Tom squirm under the most basic of questioning. 

9. Kendall Roy (last week: 3): Just when you spy a glimmer of sunlight, the dopamine high of successfully navigating the logistics of taking a dick pic for your equally damaged girlfriend, you opened your big mouth and told your dad you thought Rhea might be playing him for the fool. Bad move. Instead of spending the afternoon at the Regent's Park Zoo, starring in your own little Simon and Garfunkel song, your dad turns on you with a vengeance, forcing you to do a walk of shame right into the home of the poor young man whose life ended at your hand on the rainy night of your sister’s wedding. No words were needed. The shellshocked expression on your face said it all. And when you were finally ready to unload the months of shame, when you needed to come clean to the one person in this fucked up world you thought might listen - your mother - she could not be bothered. And so, you are left shoving a few thousand pounds through the mail slot in the middle of the night to assuage your guilt before you hop on the company Gulfstream, hipster beanie firmly affixed to your head, and the embryonic makings of a sibling partnership to rid the family of a foreign invader afoot. 

10. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 5): In football terms, you are a 3-13 team trying to convince the fan base the playoffs are right around the corner. That flaccid presentation at Argestes may be the high point to your season. You walked into your interview with the Blanch and Partners interrogators expecting a bubble bath and some softballs; instead, they smacked you across the face with a 2x4. You may have treaded water with your “do not recall” and old lady bladder routine, but there is a very good chance you are being set up as the holder of this bag of shit. Your wife can't be bothered to pay you any attention and even worse, while you were refilling your lighter, Cousin Greg was rebooting his blackmail scheme against you. We (not) here for you, Tom. 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy; Connor Roy; Willa; Gerri Killman; Shakespeare Frank; Karolina; Hugo Baker; Kerry; Stewy; Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphillis); Tabitha; Naomi Pierce; Serge, the overly chatty pilot; Bill, the Big Sperm Whale; Edward's Hell Hole in Mayfair; Jack the Ulsterman; the Museum of Wartime Foods. 

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Succession Power Rankings - Argestes

Previous Power Rankings:

Tern Haven

Safe Room

Hunting
The Vaulter

This week on Succession … Logan gets sick, Tom goes for a walk, and Greg needs some coke. And now, the Power Rankings: 

1. Nan Pierce (last week: 2): It turns out there was a limit to the amount of fumbling you would tolerate from the market before you closed your skirt and went back to your funny little house. Your head kept trying to justify a “yes” but your heart was screaming “no” long before you found out Mo(Lester) was playing Mr. Fiddle Sticks with cruise line dancers and blackballing those who did not submit to his advances. You’re not going to wear a lanyard around your neck and you’re certainly not going to get in bed (metaphorically) with a crazed man who claws at the locked door to your Mercedes as you speed back to Tern Haven, where Rosa is waiting with a fresh Break Bumper and a bill for at least one new set of bed linens while you consider candidates to serve as CEO. 

2. Logan Roy: (last week: 1): We here at the Power Rankings take our cue from the godfather of the art form, Mark Lisanti, whose rule of thumb when it came to this feature when writing about Mad Men was that Don Draper got the top spot unless something drastic happened. We think both literally and figuratively vomiting all over yourself meets that standard and that is not even taking into account smacking the hell out of your son. Maybe it was the altitude, or perhaps Kendall was not as diligent with the pills as he should be, but our hairy old newsman was off his game this week. With the PGM deal now dead, bad publicity about the cruise line division in the news, and Stewie and Sandy still circling, the Waystar Gulfstream may not be the only thing running out of gas. A temporary demotion is in order. 

3. Kendall Roy (last week: 3): There were some clear signs of life this week for our number one boy, I am just not sure they were all channeled in the right direction. Dressing down the suits Logan has tasked with hashing out the fine points of the PGM acquisition seemed gratuitous and Ken’s opinion on how to handle the New York magazine piece left a bit to be desired, but he did have the canned corporate response to it down cold until Shiv kneecapped him. The more she tries to force her way into the conversation, the closer the old man pulls Kendall into his orbit, but did Logan shake loose Kendall's dormant humanity when he cold-cocked Roman? Kendall's instinctive defense of his younger brother would suggest there once again appears to be a human being lurking in that body, not just a robot with skin and a coke habit he is (sort of) managing. 

4. Shiv Roy (last week: 8): Shiv revealed all of the things that make her both Logan’s logical successor and not-ready-for-prime-time. Her instincts when it comes to crisis communications are strong and she is the one person the Pierces view as palatable even as the New York magazine story breaks. But she also has a tendency to try and bigfoot things. As she put it in Safe Room, “clumsy old Shiv stomping all over it in my work boots.” Making a public pitch to do a dinosaur cull of your own family’s company so fresh eyes and clean hands can take over is not going to go over well with the old man, regardless of how it plays in the room, and swooping in nine minutes before your brothers go onstage to gum up the scripted explanation they are going to give ended up as a Tern Haven redux of dueling-banjoes sibling rivalry. She may be going with a “fuck it” strategy of antagonizing her dad as a means of standing up to him, but this one-foot-in-one-foot-out power play can only take her so far. 

5. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: not ranked): When you are up on that stage and the lights are bright, you cannot see the smirks on the faces of audience members as you stumble through a presentation any competent executive could do in his sleep. In that moment, it is easy to imagine the best version of yourself - not the one who gets cock blocked by his own wife when he is trying to close the deal at a nightclub or the one whose Airbus Culture and Leadership Walk is interrupted by an underling telling him the tag line he assiduously poll tested can no longer be used. No, with the mic looped comfortably around your head and your wife telling you how turned on she got from seeing another woman trying to get into your puffy vest, you imagine getting both the nut and fruit box and the champagne and paper weight. 

6. Cousin Greg(ory): (last week: not ranked): A nice bounce back week for Greg. Just getting an invitation to the ultra-elite Argestes conference would have been enough, but when your chalet is stocked with cashews the size of boomerangs and you may have touched Bill Gates, you know you have arrived. Sure, you still lack the experience of carrying your own powder for that little boost of confidence needed in the company of tech titans and super models, but at least you and Tom came up with a clever tag line. Be Best, Greg(ory).   

7. Gerri Killman (last week: 6): On the one hand, there is a future for you as CEO (or Chairman, whatever) of Waystar Royco sitting atop a pile of fuck you money that would allow you to ignore the existential threat of climate change because you will own a swath of land in New Zealand guarded by a small army, on the other, all that dirty talk with Roman got you was a backhanded compliment as a competent filing cabinet who will play Mole Woman to his Tarzan. You’re better than this, Gerri. 

8. Rhea Jarrell (last week: 4): Playing both sides is a dangerous game (just ask the woman right above you in the Power Rankings). You need to be deft and nimble, always vigilant for shifting tides, but you got caught short. Maybe it was the vision of a huge payout dancing in your head or maybe you thought once the Roys took over PGM there would be a spot for you; either way, you now have to update your LinkedIn profile.

9. Del Simmons (last week: not ranked): Things were going south between Nan and Logan before you stepped onstage to emcee the Argie Awards, but a few zingers at Waystar Royco finally pushed her over the edge. Kudos Del, a few minutes of lukewarm comic roasting torpedoed a $25 billion media merger. You have earned what will surely be a one and done spot on the Power Rankings. 

10. Roman Roy (last week: 6): Maybe you were better off swirling caramel apples at Brightstar amusement park because all your old habits - the smarminess, the immaturity, the overt attempts at manipulation - are back with a vengeance. While it is comforting that your siblings rode to your rescue after you spent the weekend belittling and mocking them, that they had to do so because you tasted the back of the old man’s hand is not a good sign. 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy; Connor Roy; Stewie; Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphllis); Hugo Baker; Leah; Jess; Karolina; Shakespeare Frank; Willa; The Quarterly 10-Q Meeting; J. Alfred Prufrock; The $75 Cobb Salad; Toxic Masculinity Monthly; the new Jonathan Franzen.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Succession Power Rankings - Tern Haven

Previous Power Rankings:

Safe Room

Hunting
The Vaulter 

This week on Succession … Kendall makes a friend. Connor drinks some port. Roman goes to the bathroom. And now, the Power Rankings: 

1. Logan Roy (last week: 1): At the end of the day, after all the hoops you have been made to jump through, all the pre-meeting briefings you had to do with your brain trust, and the petty humiliation of watching your clan of big, vulgar, boisterous barbarians embarrass you in public, you know one thing deep down in the pit of your dark soul - money wins. Your company is wounded, but you have kicked the tires on Pierce and you know it is in an even more precarious state. So, when Nan goes beyond the easy asks (editorial independence, a few seats on the board, shitcanning Tom) and drifts into the no-go zone (publicly announcing Shiv as CEO-in-waiting), you pull the classic negotiating tactic of storming out - and it works. In the time it takes you to chopper back to the Big Apple, the ultimate prize is within your reach, you have brought your overly eager daughter to heel, and Sandy and Stewie’s takeover bid is on life support. Now, you’ll just have to tell Jamie you need to borrow an extra billion.

2. Nan Pierce (last week: not ranked): You played your hand masterfully. You summoned the powerful Logan Roy and his dysfunctional family to your country home and watched them self-immolate in a conflagration of over sharing, over drinking, and over excitement. And even as you were reveling in their infighting, you knew all that drama could not hide the fact that your company was in trouble and, as distasteful as it might be, accepting $24 billion so generations of Pierces unborn can comfortably sip their Brake Bumpers without fear of having to work a day in their lives was the right thing to do. But instead of just taking the deal (sweetened with an extra billion you would not be able to spend in your lifetime) and walking away, your pride got the better of you. You are still going to get your money, but you are not going to tell Logan Roy how to run his company. 

3. Kendall Roy (last week: T-3): Just execute the plan, son. Sure, Logan paid lip service to keeping his number one boy clean for the weekend, but when you find a kindred spirit at the banquet table, you improvise. While the other kids were trying their dad’s patience, Kendall’s night of partying with Naomi paid major dividends. Instead of torpedoing the deal, she does a 180 after Kendall points out that the wealth she will secure once it goes through will allow her to start anew. Was this coke-infused wishful thinking? Of course. But when you live a life of such entitlement that you can literally shit the bed and have someone else clean it up, anything seems possible. 

4. Rhea Jarrell (last week: 2): It did appear you had one thing right. The incompatible cultures seemed apparent. The Pierces are all old money WASP tradition - Latin phrases over the door, Shakespeare quotes, wood-paneled Jeeps and sensible, low thread count sheets. The Roys are new money immigrants - brash and loud, indelicate and offensive, consumed with the material trappings of their .0001% world. You have also hedged your bets nicely. If things go south, your fingerprints are nowhere to be found. If the deal is consummated, you squeezed an extra billion out of Logan Roy, which will fatten your golden parachute if you are shown the door. 

5. Naomi Pierce (last week: not ranked): You hold a special place in Cousin Nan’s heart. You can appear earnest in public, mindlessly aping the family traditions of silver scepters and English literature, but your tongue is razor sharp. You are not impressed with an entitled little boy who thought he could order your family business like it was a meal from Uber Eats, but his older, damaged brother is catnip when it is time to drop the veneer. What you really needed was a friend, a fellow traveler who could get you to believe that money will solve all your problems. 

6. Roman Roy (last week: 7): There are two ways to move up in the Power Rankings. You can either do something good or be less bad than someone above you. Professor Can’t Fuck did a little of both. He has (mostly) kept his head down, slinging kettle corn with the hoi polloi in management training, grinding away for a crumb of his father's approval. His actions at Tern Haven are a little more iffy. Glib retorts and sick burns may work against his siblings, but ad libbing your reading list to a guy juggling three books plus a memoir (you know, just to see what bubbles to the top) did not end well. His reaction to finding out that his follow-the-rules tour of duty learning the company ropes has been for naught because Shiv will be taking over was almost as bad as his attempt to have normo sex. The humiliation Gerri heaped on was just the cherry on top of the kink sundae. But at the end of the day, Shiv’s power move blew up in her face and by definition, that helps him. 

7. Gerri Killman (last week: 6): You did not do anything wrong per se, but you also need to remember that if you are going to help Roman work out his sexual peccadilloes, he may not keep his big mouth shut. You may be able to brush off his indiscreet admission that he spent the night pulling his pud in your bathroom, but at some point, this is going to get messy (and not in the sex positive way you perverts may think). 

8. Shiv Roy (last week: T-3): It is hard to pinpoint the exact moment your ambition got the better of your judgment. It might have been when you made an off-hand remark to cousin Mark, seemingly mocking his efforts to obtain a second Ph.D. Or, it could have been when, hyped up on adrenaline from your cuckolded husband’s pep talk, you boldly revealed your father’s succession plan publicly. But when Logan quickly acceded to Nan’s request that Tom be jettisoned while speaking favorably of your more liberal politics, the blood started to drain from your face. Your father does not like being told what to do, not by you or by the head of an acquisition target. Your presence may have merely been a way for him to make his takeover of PGM look more palatable or he may legitimately view you as a future CEO, but you did yourself no favors this week. While you are still in the game by virtue of your last name and your brothers’ weaknesses, your usefulness to Logan may be nearing an end. 

9. (tied): Mark Pierce and Maxim Pierce (last week: not ranked): There is something to be said for the perfectly pleasant Pierce cousins who know from social grace and appropriate manners. While the Roy children spend most of their time seeking locations on each other’s backs in which to insert knives, the Pierces are more erudite. Mark, no longer the learned astronomer he was when he got his first Ph.D, nevertheless is working on doctorate number two, all the better to know shit twelve seconds faster than he would if he looked it up on Wikipedia. Maxim toils away at the Brookings Institute churning out white papers that will be read on the DC cocktail circuit, but this stuffed shirt is happy to compromise his ideals if you get him drunk and offer him Foggy Bottom. These guys are going to be fine. 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy; Tom Wamgsgans; Cousin Greg(ory); Tabitha; Shakespeare Frank; Willa; Richard the Butler; Marnie Pierce; The Electric Circus; His Majesty Spinach, the King of Edible Leaves; Representative Ferdinand D. Who Gives A Shit From the Great State of Nobody Fucking Cares; Mondale the Dog; Rosa; Jess; Sandy Furness (who may or may not have syphillis); Stewie; The penis cat; Teddy Roosevelt’s butler and his secret recipe for the Brake Bumper.

Follow me on Twitter - @scarylawyerguy 

Succession Power Rankings - Safe Room

Previous Power Rankings:

Hunting

The Vaulter 

This week on Succession, Logan takes a meeting, Connor gives a eulogy, Roman does some work, and Greg gets a promotion. And now ... the Power Rankings: 

1. Logan Roy (last week: 1): When Logan Roy says something will happen, that thing happens, and in this case, the wheels are in motion for the PGM acquisition. Otherwise, it is steady as she goes on the good ship Fuck Off. Shiv has been brought into the fold, Roman is off at management training and Kendall is diligently apportioning out the old man’s meds. Sure, an ATN employee killed himself at his desk and Logan had to install a (tasteful) anti-suicide barrier on the roof of Waystar HQ so his number one boy does not take a header off the building, but now that Shakespeare Frank has greased the wheels with Rhea Jarrell, Logan’s long-held dream of screwing over his brother Ewan by buying the media conglomerate he gets his news from is that much closer to reality. 

2. Rhea Jarrell (last week: not ranked): What price can you put on fronting a news organization with a carefully cultivated reputation for objectivity that has exercised editorial independence for 150 years? Apparently, $24 billion, give or take. You see the synergies, you can almost taste the payout, but you are a mere conduit for the interests of your Pierce family overlords, so you will take Logan’s eight-figure offer to them, along with your honest assessment of whether he can be trusted (yeah, right). 

3. (tie) Shiv Roy and Kendall Roy (last week: 6 and 2, respectively): Safe Room highlighted a point I made a few weeks ago - when the Roy kids are working together instead of trying to step on each other, they make a formidable team. Rhea confirms Kendall’s initial assessment of a potential merger (a “plug and play” connection that offers cost-cutting opportunities) but needs Shiv, and her more liberal politics, in the room to open the door for serious negotiations. Shiv also recommends firing neo-Nazi hairdo Mark Ravenhead well before Rhea suggests the same thing as a peace offering toward the Pierces. 

But it was the final scene of the episode that really shook me. A show that rarely allows its characters to be vulnerable with each other did so in an agonizing way. Kendall is broken and consumed with guilt and he finally lets that out, if only for a moment, when he and his sister embrace. Instead of pulling away, she softens, and, for a moment at least, the scheming is set aside because this is her brother, exposing himself in a human way. 

5. Cousin Greg (last week: 7): Say what you will about Greg, but when the time came to level up from executive assistant to executive, he played his hand beautifully. Blackmailing Tom for a seat at the grown up table was nicely done, but going from a combination of Tom’s coffee boy and Kendall’s drug hook-up to a corner office is going to be a bumpy ride. 

6. Gerri Killman (last week: 3): A good general counsel wears many hats. She must understand the intricacies of her company’s 10-K statement, the finer points of a potential acquisition’s pension plan, and be vigilant for an out of the blue crisis like a satellite blowing up on the launch pad. It is understandable that after a long day at the office, Gerri likes to unwind with a nice martini and some hard core phone fetish play with her boss’s son. 

7. Roman Roy (last week: 8): Sometimes, to get ahead you have to take a step back. In Roman’s case, it means walking around a Waystar amusement park as the World’s Biggest Turkey and having his lines from the welcome video omitted. Suffering through lame team building exercises and stale pastries is a small price to pay if it means making his way back into Logan’s good graces. Of course, the only thing more predictable than his laissez faire attitude toward management training was the reveal that he is a submissive who gets off on being told what a bad boy he is by a powerful older woman. Gobble-dee-go-fuck-yourself! 

8. Willa (last week: not ranked): Being sent as an emissary to the funeral of a long-tenured Waystar Royco executive is a tacit acknowledgement that Willa is slowly being woven into the Roy family tapestry. This is the kind of skill one needs to hone if one is going to be the First Lady of our nation; however, Willa’s true contribution, landing her first ever spot on the power rankings, was her anodyne, on-the-fly eulogy of Moe(Lester) for Connor, saving him from any embarrassment once Michelle Pantsil’s biography of Logan is published, complete with whatever dirty details the now dead Uncle Meathands shared. 

9. Brian (last week: not ranked): Life at Waystar Royco is a funny thing. One day you’re slumming it at the Fort Myers resort being held back by supervisors who do not appreciate your unique blend of intellectual promiscuity and cultural conservatism, the next day you’re hobnobbing with “Ron Rockstone” spitballing knock-off Saving Private Ryan VR experiences on the fast track to corporate HQ in New York City. 

10. Tom Wamgsgans (last week: 10): Going from the cruise line division, with its unreported sexual assaults and hush money payments, to ATN, with its possibly neo-Nazi anchors (but he does skew young!) and Antifa protestors, has a bit of the frying pan into the fire vibe to it. Nothing like having to ask your star news anchor if he's ever been a member of the American Nazi Party or double check his math on the body count from World War II to drive home the point that Tom is in-over-his-head. Jonah may be a human foot stool for him to humiliate, but when the shit hits the fan, Tom is relegated to the kid's table safe room, getting dunked on by Cousin Greg, who is looking to escape from Tom’s insecurity gravity field. On the plus side, a job has opened up in the “latte me” department. 

Not Ranked: Marcia Roy; Connor "interested in politics from a very young age" Roy; Tabitha; Frank; Jamie; Karolina; Michelle Pastil; Mark Ravenhead; The Wolfpack; Maria, Lester's Sad Widow; Jonah, the Human Foot Stool; Jess; Stewie; Sandy Furness; Sno-Jo; Paula Conroy, the overly excited Waystar Royco management training coordinator; Coriolanus; Brian's nephews Cooper and Clark; Frank's library card; the candy and vape fluid Kendall stole.

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