June 30

My anxiety is rising in direct proportion to P and G's approaching visit with the vet. I am so stressed out about it. Being single and having to get two cats into cat carriers when those cats really do not like being in cat carriers is not great. On top of that, the whole pandemic-is-now-out-of-control-again news coverage is not helping.

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June 29

I just ... I just had a bit of a meltdown this morning. I'm just so exhausted by COVID and know that even though the numbers are going down in NJ, they are going up in a lot of other places just as we are really opening the spigot on our own economy. So, a few weeks from now, a combination of our own residents and people from out of state mingling more and spreading the virus will put us all at greater risk because we cannot stop people from coming here and NJ'ers fucking love nothing more than THE SHORE (where drunken young people will spread the virus) and shopping (where every suburban mom, dad, and kid will go to entertain themselves). It's so maddening.

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June 28

I had a pretty bad anxiety attack this morning. I had this pain in my ribcage and got very anxious. I had gone into my office yesterday and had this illogical belief I had caught COVID even though the office was empty when I was there. My feet started sweating and I lost my appetite this morning. I am fine now, but these come on out of nowhere and totally fuck with me. 

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June 27

I had a weird dream last night. In the dream, I pulled into the garage at my office and was about to go inside, but someone else pulled in as I was getting out of my car so I waited until he went inside. As I was waiting, I noticed two people parked next to each other giving on their cars a jump start. I got out of my car and as I was about to open the door to the vestibule, someone walked out and I moved out of the way quickly. When I got to my floor, there was someone standing right in front of the elevator and I JUMPED in the air ... at which point I woke up.

Anyway, I'm spending the day watching Season 9 reruns of the Office on Comedy Central.

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June 26

I forgot to post yesterday. Oops. Life is wearing on me right now. I just feel very anxious and stressed out - over the cats, over the virus, over how much longer all of <gestures at the world> this is going to go on for. The powers that be are talking about bringing us back to the office (part time) soon, which is not great, but it might be nice to get out of the house but for, you know, the deadly virus circulating right now. Summer is usually my favorite season and now I hate it.

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June 24

If only today was the day for P and G's vet visit. They are both chilling out in the bedroom I plan on using to corral them into their cat carriers. Of course, next Wednesday, I am sure they will be in the the most open parts of the house and force me to chase them around, spiking their anxiety and mine.

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June 23

One of the hardest things about anxiety is doing the small stuff. Like, I'm trying to schedule maintenance for my HVAC system but it takes all my energy just to try and make an appointment. If I need to call back or I request a time and do not hear back for a few days, I just silently stew and do not take proactive steps to resolve things. I would really like to hire someone to handle shit like this - like, scheduling home maintenance appointments, getting the house cleaned, all the bullshit that I had handling - and I have the money to do it, just too lazy. 

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June 22

Jim Kiick died this weekend. He was a football player for the Dolphins in the 70s. He had dementia and died in a nursing home. The obit I read in the NYT suggested he also had coronavirus. The obit had a couple of pictures from his time in the NFL - young, vigorous (a bit ridiculous with a 70s porn stache and side burns). I wondered, looking at those photos of a virile man, a Super Bowl champion, a cover boy for Sports Illustrated, what would happen if you could go back in time and tell him he would die such an ignoble death, his brain addled, his physical being tended to by care givers, unable to be with his family when he died. I got really depressed.

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June 21

My anxiety has been bad the last couple of days so it has been hard for me to focus, much less take the 3 minutes it takes to post a daily update. People who don't have mental health issues probably have no idea how hard it is for people who do to go through life never knowing when some tsunami of dread will blow through and basically destroy everything in its path. It is crushing and hard to deal with, but you just muscle through and wait until the storm blows over.

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June 19

Well, I made it through a tough week of work knowing I will be spending parts of tomorrow and Sunday working as well. I try to tell myself that the tradeoff is there - like, I haven't worn anything other than shorts and a t shirt for the last month and take copious work breaks to putz around. I keep House or The Office on basically 24/7 and yet ... I am exhausted. I am starting to think about taking a "vacation" later this summer since I have not taken a vacation day all year but even that seems sort of odd - like, take vacation time so I can sit around the house - which is exactly what I am doing now, just without the forced obligation of work. I don't know.

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