The timing of this year's New York magazine "sex" issue was serendipitous, what with an admitted whore monger running for New York City Comptroller and a married Mayoral candidate who gets off from sending indecent photos of himself to female admirers. While this "special issue" was not without its charms (an article about the inability to fully distance oneself from ex-lovers was particularly well done [1]), a rancid piece entitled There Is Such A Thing As Respectful Infidelity left me shaking my head.
The article's nauseating tone is set in the first two paragraphs, where the subject of the story [2] reminisces about his first time cheating. The "lucky" gal was "not attractive at all" but "wanted [him] really bad." While our plucky hero was not enthralled with the idea of bedding this woman, his roommate convinced him to "just do it" and so he did, dialing up the romance with nothing so much as a greeting when he entered her room, but rather, the simple instruction that she "take off [her] clothes." Be still my heart. Very kind of our anonymous Lothario to make her dreams of what was, I am sure, highly mediocre sex, come true because, you know, ugly.
For those who make it past this rather unsavory vignette of arrogance, cruelty, and borderline misogyny, you will be treated to a paint-by-numbers daisy chain of infidelity clichés that could have been lifted from any number of straight-to-DVD movies, dusty issues of Cosmo or the fevered imaginations of junior copy editors: oral sex? (too intimate.) always use a condom, and, if you don't, you're somehow more of an asshole. (you don't say.) his infidelity? (ok.) his fiancée's? (not ok.) and never, ever, spend the night, because some things must be "saved" for the person you care most about in the world. [3]
The torrent of self-deceit that flows from this gentleman's mouth is truly a sight to behold. Perhaps it comes from his environment, where, he advises us, his buddies are all "on the same page" when it comes to casual infidelity and he assuages what purported guilt he has by noting that he rarely initiates any flirtation, but hey, if someone's gonna bat an eye his way, he's only a MAN after all. When it comes to his poor fiancée, his fear is of getting caught, not what emotional tsunami will be unleashed on his soon-to-be wife. Thankfully, our Prince Charming is smart enough to come home from his dalliances AFTER his partner is asleep, therefore avoiding the need to kiss her until the next morning, but when he goes too long between episodes of infidelity, he gets bitter toward her because he's not allowing himself to "do what [he] need[s] to do." What a guy.
But what of our irresistible fella's future as a married man? Sadly for all those women in the greater New York City area hoping to experience the unique pleasure that comes from checking into a midday, by-the-hour hotel for a quickie with this gentleman, he's sworn off cheating since he's become engaged and looks forward to a life as a faithful husband and (god help us) father. But do not fear, he's anguished over this decision - no, not the one to get married and have kids, but to swear off the pleasure of strange flesh. After all, "cheating is part of what makes me me." (italics in original). As repugnant as the idea of honoring his marital vows is, he "hopes" to take one for the team, because he does love his fiancée and expects them to have a beautiful life together.
As a piece of journalistic troll bait, There Is Such A Thing As Respectful Infidelity is not even successful. This type of male privilege article is usually teed up and knocked 300 yards down the fairway on websites like Jezebel and Gawker, not to mention myriad blogs written by women (and men) who find this type of cavalier attitude noxious; however, it did not even rate much of a response. If the article is to be taken at face value - that is, that a human being uttered the words (not to mention has the mentality) transcribed and shaped by Alex Morris - it is a sad commentary on one person's amorality and another person's (the unsuspecting fiancée) future hell.
You see, there's nothing "respectful" about infidelity, no matter how many "rules" you put around it or how you attempt to justify it. Cheating removes you from your partner in every conceivable way while playing them for a fool. It violates that which bonds us to our spouses, significant others, girlfriends and boyfriends - trust - in ways that are utterly corrosive and horribly destructive. It is also an act of total and complete selfishness that, whether you see it as such in the moment or after the fact, speaks very poorly of a person's values, whether it is a one-off chance encounter or a serial condition like the one described in this magazine piece. The roads not taken - of examining why the subject of this article feels the need to cheat, of communicating his desires to his fiancée, [4] of being honest about his delusions and not diminishing his odious behavior simply because he has not had an affair once he got engaged, are absent.
And I am neither puritan nor moralizer on this topic - I was this guy, without the outward arrogance or lack of governor in sharing my story with others, but with all the self-justification and rationales that come with deciding to live a secret life. It was not until I looked at what I had done, to my wife, to myself, to those who participated in my affairs with me and what it said about me (spoiler alert: nothing good) that I was able to start getting honest with myself about who I was (again, spoiler alert: not a good man). It was not only a primary cause of the dissolution of my marriage, but left me feeling so guilty about having done it that I was incapable of intimacy with another woman for more than two years, and even then, the guilt nagged at me even when I was with my "Special Lady Friend."
This is not to pat myself on the back for becoming a more evolved human being who realizes that trust, communication and intimacy are critical ingredients in a relationship or that you simply do. not. cheat, but to say that the world portrayed in There Is Such A Thing As Respectful Infidelity is ugly, venal and self-absorbed. Sadly, one need not wonder whether this particular gentleman has even the modicum of self-awareness to realize that he is subjecting himself, and more importantly, his fiancée, to an enormous amount of pain and heartache in the future; to have articulated his entitlement in such a public way tells us all we need to know.
You can read the article here and judge for yourself:
http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/07/confessions-of-a-serial-cheater.html
END NOTES
1. http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/07/texting-exes-social-media-generation.html
2. The article is an "as told to" piece, not a first person narrative.
3. Allegedly, this person is the subject's betrothed, but judging from the level of narcissism he displays, it is clear the answer is "himself."
4. The alpha and omega for open communication in relationships, be it how to address disagreements about how to roll the toilet paper or discuss having an "open" arrangement is of course, the brilliant Dan Savage.
You're right. The whole pretext of the article is disgusting... and gentleman is too kind a way to describe the subject of the story.
ReplyDeleteIn the context of your own story, here's a question, or two: How do you know you wouldn't cheat again? What changed inside you to turn you from that not good man to--I presume you feel--a better man today, one who wouldn't give in to the urge to cheat in the future?
That's a big question, but a few things - (1) realizing that the things I noted in the piece - communication, trust and intimacy are things that are foundational in any relationship I will enter into; (2) that if there are problems in the relationship, the answer is to address them, try to solve them, and (3) failing that, to end it, not justify bad behavior out of personal pique with your partner.
DeleteI also acknowledged that I had done something that was wrong. I punished myself for that (maybe for too long) before accepting that I could not change the past, but could only focus on doing the right thing in the future. The deep guilt and shame I felt for having put my ex-wife through that whole experience is not something I would ever do to someone else. My focus is on being in a positive, healthy and nurturing relationship with someone who values, supports and loves me. If I don't get that, I'm out of there ...
And you? What does the person on the other end get from you? It seems you could spend a lot of time looking for the values/support/love aspect and miss the other side of the equation... Not you specifically. But it is a curious thing, I think, when people go through a deep self-realization and come out of that realizing, with great clarity, what they want and need. Sometimes that focus can be very singular--on one person's specific needs (now so finely-crafted and clear)--and that can make it easy to miss the what-should-I-be for the other person aspect or, perhaps, make one too quick to bypass someone almost ideal becauAnd you? What does the person on the other end get from you? It seems you could spend a lot of time looking for the values/support/love aspect and miss the other side of the equation... Not you specifically. But it is a curious thing, I think, when people go through a deep self-realization and come out of that realizing, with great clarity, what they want and need. Sometimes that focus can be very singular--on one person's specific needs (now so finely-crafted and clear)--and that can make it easy to miss the what-should-I-be for the other person aspect or, perhaps, make one too quick to bypass someone almost ideal because of failure to check every single box on the ideal chart.
DeleteOops, poor copy and pasting. Trying again. And you? What does the person on the other end get from you? It seems you could spend a lot of time looking for the values/support/love aspect and miss the other side of the equation... Not you specifically. But it is a curious thing, I think, when people go through a deep self-realization and come out of that realizing, with great clarity, what they want and need. Sometimes that focus can be very singular--on one person's specific needs (now so finely-crafted and clear)--and that can make it easy to miss the what-should-I-be for the other person aspect or, perhaps, make one too quick to bypass someone almost ideal because of failure to check every single box on the ideal chart.
DeleteThat was essentially my question. You always hear "once a cheater, always a cheater." While I don't necessarily agree, it certainly matters whether the (former) cheater can accept his/her actions rather than continually deny them, which is more often the case..I think. My father cheated on my mother for years and denies it to this day (10+ years later!) Not that it comes up in conversation often or anything, but I don't think he'll ever really admit what he did and instead hopes it just "goes away" and that we'll forget.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're taking the right steps and any woman you're in a relationship with down the road can only appreciate the honesty.
Thanks for your comment. I (rightly) beat myself up for years about what I'd done and came to understand what/why I did what I did. Like I said above, I just would not put myself in that position again. Part of getting to a better place in my life was being ok with the idea that I made horrible mistakes but learned from them.
ReplyDeleteMy husband did the same thing. He created a swath of destruction, similar to what you describe. He broke his relationships with our children, our families, our friends but most of all within himself. He too, went on the same journey of self-actualization, and came out on the other side.
ReplyDeleteBravo to you for being courageous enough to know yourself, and change your life. And for sharing your story. It is reassuring to see someone else articulate what he told me his journey was like. It seems to be unusual, but perhaps because more people don't acknowledge publicly their struggle.
Thank you again.
Thank you for sharing, I am sorry you went through what you did with your ex. There is no pride in being an tornado that leaves a swath of destruction (well said) in the lives of innocents. I hope you found it in your heart to forgive him, not for his sake, but for your own - SLG
DeleteSure there is such a thing as "respecful infidelty". Protip NYMag cheater guy, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Dan Savage describes some scenarios in which cheating to preserve the relationship when one partner has a sexual need/kink that cannot be met inside it. Often with the explicit approval of the other partner, or sometimes without it if there is a good reason. Preserving a relationship that is otherwise rewarding when there are young children to raise or other caregiving needs to be met can be a net good. But a "need" for sex with an exciting stranger does not meet the criteria. sorrynotsorry.
ReplyDeleteI am a huge proponent of Dan Savage's (see, fn. 4) and generally subscribe to his philosophy with regard to relationships. Underlying much of what Dan tries to share with his readers is the importance of open and honest communication. A simple thing too many people fail to do, with predictable consequences. Thanks again for writing - SLG
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